


Phoenix

by wraithe



Series: Thunderbirds [2]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars, Bandom, Real Person Fiction, jared leto - Fandom, shannon leto - Fandom
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-04-22 22:30:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 58,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14318433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wraithe/pseuds/wraithe
Summary: A chance meeting between Jared, Roger, Jane and Shannon quickly reignites emotions that, although left in the past, have never quite been forgotten.





	1. Chapter 1

 

“Come on, Jared. I don't want to be stuck hanging around this house all weekend.”

As I watched, Chloe folded her arms over her almost concave abdomen and threw her lips into a ridiculous pout. I sighed. “Jesus, I didn't know you were going to be here all weekend. You going to whine like that the entire time?”

“You're a real asshole, Jared,” she shot back at me before picking up the magazine she had discarded earlier and flouncing off with a toss of her wavy hair. I heard Shannon chuckling behind me.

“Where won't you take her now?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Some goddamn party in the valley at some producer's house I've never heard of. It sounds fucking insufferable.”

Shannon laughed. “You knew what she was like. You've got no one to blame for this but yourself.”

Shannon had a point there. I'd gotten involved with the young model more out of convenience than anything. She had been showing up almost everywhere I was for the last year, which, considering the year I had been having, was pretty ridiculously coincidental. No, I knew she was ambitious and saw me as a way to unlock some doors she was having trouble getting through herself. But like I said, it had been a rough year and a little company and distraction seemed like a good idea at the time. Now that we actually had a break in touring I was getting to see a lot more of Chloe than I had ever intended to, but it was either appease her and have some company in my bed until the tour resumed or break it off and hit the market again to fill that empty spot. That would mean a lot of nights of lame pickup lines and small talk, and at this point, frankly, I was too damn tired for that much effort.

Shannon must have seen my shoulders slump in defeat because before I even turned to go after her he was laughing. “Yeah, that's what I thought,” he chortled out, plopping down on the sofa and propping his feet on the coffee table.

“Where the hell is this thing again?” I called out as I made my way to the kitchen where Chloe was currently having her little tantrum. I heard her squeal in delight before I even saw her.

“Thank you, thank you!” she shouted, throwing her arms around my neck. “I knew you'd come around. It's at Garrett Wycoff's place. He's the one that's producing that new drama for HBO everyone's talking about and a lot of people involved in the production are going to be there.”

I may not have heard of Wycoff but this HBO series was getting a lot of buzz. It was some overblown costume drama based off of a ridiculously successful book series, which was pretty typical for pay cable these days I guess, but this one had quite the following already and still was in pre-production. I knew why she wanted to go. I could have told Chloe that a barely literate model/actress with an acting resume that encompassed a total of about ten spoken words wasn't exactly costume drama material but there was no point. It could have been Beach Party Bimbos and she still wouldn't be getting a role, no matter how many parties she went to or who she tried to ingratiate herself with. She couldn't act her way out of a traffic ticket. But crushers of dreams seldom got laid and she would figure it out on her own soon enough. “All right, I guess we can go. Do you want to grab dinner first?”

“Uhm... no!” she shot back sarcastically as she raced out of my arms and back to the bedroom to presumably start deciding what to wear. “I have to look good. I can't be all bloated.”

“It's a party, not a swimsuit shoot,” I called after her but she had already disappeared. Shannon started laughing again. “Yeah?” I asked. “Fine, Chucklehead. Go get changed. We're going out.”

****************************************************

I had to hand it to Chloe, she had a lot of bravado. She swept into that party like it was being thrown in her honor, flitting about and looking fabulous while she worked every face in that room. Mercifully she was too busy networking to pay me much attention at all, only appearing at my elbow momentarily when she needed to shore up her own social standing, then off again in search of some other casting director or agent to schmooze. I recognized a few people and managed to occupy myself with small talk, fielding questions about our upcoming video shoot while I watched Shannon strike out with some British actress I vaguely recognized. There was nothing particularly notable about it, it was like a dozen other get-togethers I'd been to over the years. I think the ordinariness of the situation was why everything caught me so off guard.

I was talking to Wycoff himself, who was asking a lot of questions about my filming schedule that summer, when he suddenly stopped mid-sentence. “Oh hey, there he is, our Prince Josua. Brought him out from New York where he was doing theater. He's perfect,” he told me as he waved at someone in the crowd. “Harrington! Come over here, I want you to meet someone!”

I don't believe in fate or destiny. I don't think I'm actually capable of admitting that life might be that far beyond my control. I believe things only happen if you make them happen. But I had no explanation for why, out of the more than six billion people on this planet, I kept bumping into the same ones over and over.

There was no mistaking the man that turned and headed towards us – tall and lean but broad-shouldered, with steel blue eyes and mop of curls that romance novel writers would probably have described as 'rakish', I'd have recognized Roger anywhere. If anything he looked even better than he had the last time I had seen him, almost four years ago. I smiled and waved optimistically but I saw the way his expression faltered before he pasted his own smile back into place.

“Hey, Garrett what can I do for you?” he asked, putting his arm around the shorter man's shoulder. Wycoff spluttered a little bit – I think maybe he had a little crush on his new ingenue – before introducing me.

“We've met, actually,” I supplied, holding out my arms as if to hug him. Roger looked at them and then looked at me before taking my hand and giving it a perfunctory shake.

“Have we? You'll have to refresh my memory,” he said coolly.

Wycoff gave a nervous titter before stepping between us, arms around both our waists. “That's fantastic. I'll leave the two of you to catch up in just a moment,” he said, focusing his attention on me. “I just wanted to say that I was amazed at your transformation in Chapter 27, and if you're interested, I think our production schedule will dovetail nicely with your upcoming shooting schedule. I see some amazing things ahead for this series. I can send some things over to your agent if you like.” He turned to Roger. “Make sure you fill him in,” he instructed before disappearing off into the crowd.

Roger and I were left staring awkwardly at each other while the party goers circled around us. I swear I could hear a clock ticking in my ears as the uncomfortable silence wore on. Unable to stomach the continued tension I glanced around quickly to make sure we weren't being listened in on. “So, this refreshing your memory.... should we talk about the time I helped nurse you through a breakup, or when we almost all ended up in jail together, or should I just shove you against a wall and stick my tongue down your throat?”

Roger reddened a bit. “Or we could talk about the time you tricked my best friend into thinking you gave a shit about her and then just told her to go fuck herself.”

“What? That's not what happened. I did care about Jane...”

“Oh, whatever. Look, you're not happy to see me, I'm not happy to see you, you're not going to get involved with this project, so can we just quit this charade?”

I scratched my head in confusion. I actually was happy to see Roger again. I had been unhappy when he had stopped taking my phone calls but with both of us on opposite side of the war in the great Shannon and Jane debacle I had figured it was just inevitable. I didn't think he'd harbored any real hostility toward me, and I was baffled by his attitude and the statement he had made. “Look, man, I'm not trying to start any trouble. My girlfriend – well, sort of girlfriend – thinks she's an actress and I just agreed to bring her to let her meet some people. I didn't know you were attached to this or that you'd be here.”

“Yeah, that's not good enough,” he replied as he nervously scanned the room. At first, I thought he was just making sure Wycoff didn't see us arguing but then the lightbulb in my head clicked on.

“Oh fuck. Jane's here isn't she?”

“Leave her out of this.”

“Like that's possible,” I retorted. For better or worse, the four of us were all wound up in each other; there were no separate relationships between us. I searched the room myself, looking for Jane's head of thick blonde curls but instead, I spotted Shannon, still trying to chat up that actress. “Yeah, we have a fucking problem.”

Roger rolled his eyes at me. “Look, I can't leave, this is essentially work for me. But maybe...”

I cut him off. “Shannon's here too.” I knew the situation needed no further explaining.

Roger swore and shook his head before dismissing me, presumably to go and find Jane in order to keep the two of them far apart. I made my way to Shannon, feigning interest in the chit chat he was making with the woman he was trying to pick up … _Michelle, her name is Michelle something_... while I continued to scan the room and figure out how I was going to get Chloe out of there early without a scene. Only minutes later I spotted her.

Jane had changed her hair color so that it was redder, a coppery, almost strawberry blonde, but it was definitely her, walking right towards us, no Roger in sight. She was wearing a pale green dress that picked up the color in her eyes and I didn't fail to notice the way the silky fabric shifted with each step, hinting at what I knew first hand to be a rather spectacular body. I hadn't thought much about her after the first six months or so, there hadn't been any point, so I wasn't prepared for the way my heart sped up or my mouth went dry as I watched her cross the room. For a moment I even forgot the reason I was standing in that particular spot, but then Shannon was asking me a question and I broke free from my reverie just in time to step between them and block his view.

“Shannon, can I have a word with you? In private?” I asked as I bit my nails and tried to keep him from looking past me.

Shannon's eyes widened and his gaze shifted from me to Michelle then back to me. “Uhm, right now?”

“Yes, right now.” Knowing we didn't have much time I grabbed his arm and started to turn him around but he shook himself loose. There was just enough time for him to see over my shoulder and I knew by the way his eyes widened even further and his arms went slack that he had seen her.

“Jared...”

“Come on, Shan, let's just get out of here. I'll go find Chloe, you wait in the car.”

“Jared...”

Shannon didn't move, didn't even seem to blink. I took a deep breath and turned around to find Jane standing behind me, Roger coming up fast on her heels. We had been so close to avoiding this. One more minute and they would never have seen each other. Hell, if I hadn't given into Chloe and her whining none of us would have to be doing this right now. Thinking with my dick had gotten me into a lot of stupid situations before but this was a new one.

“Hi, Jane.” Shannon's voice was hoarse and hollow and as soon as he had spoken he upended the glass he had been holding and polished off its contents. I still couldn't tell which way all of this was going to go but I was sure that whatever was about to happen neither Roger nor I needed it to be happening in front of this particular audience.

“Let's not do this here,” I said, again taking Shannon by the arm. I didn't think I could get him all the way out to the car but I had noticed an unblocked hallway with some doors and I started steering him to the nearest one.

“Come on, Jane. I can put you in a taxi and send you home. I can finish this evening out on my own,” Roger offered. I glanced over my shoulder to see him take Jane's arm in much the same way I had taken Shannon's. Her initial response was the same as his, to shake it off.

Jane started to slowly follow after us, eyes glazed slightly over as if she were sleepwalking. Roger tried to take her arm again and she swatted his hand away. “Stop it,” she hissed. “I know what I'm doing.”

I reached the door and jiggled the handle. Finding it unlocked I pushed it open and stepped inside to make sure the room was unoccupied before attempting to pull Shannon in with me. The air seemed to be growing thicker by the moment and everything was happening slowly. Shannon stood frozen in the doorway, watching Jane make her hesitant approach while Roger tried to halt her and my brain frantically tried to sort out what was unfolding. “Shannon,” I hissed him and he seemed to find himself, giving his head a shake before stepping into the small study. Just then Roger caught up with Jane and swept in from behind, ushering her quickly forward into the room and shutting the door behind them.

“Are you guys living in LA now?” I asked. I didn't know what else to say but if the last few minutes had been any indication I thought we were going to need some ground rules going forward so whatever was happening didn't happen again. No one really seemed to be listening to me, however. “I guess maybe we might want to try to be able to avoid each other in the future...” I ventured.

“Like I can keep you two out of my head,” Jane said quietly. “You keep turning up like bad pennies. And that fucking song....”

“Which one?” Shannon asked her. Jane just shook her head, not even meeting his eyes.

Shannon looked at her for a moment, and I watched his expression go from apprehension to comprehension and then something akin to glee. His eyes crinkled and his lips turned into a cruel smirk. “Well, well, well. Now look who's not over it.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

“Well, well, well. Now look who's not over it.”

I watched in disbelief as Shannon smirked and taunted Jane. He had been furious with me for sleeping with her but he had been heartbroken by her disappearance and utter refusal to speak to him or work anything out. I would have thought he would seize this opportunity to perhaps be able to reconnect with her and at least let some of the bad air between them clear. The only opportunity he seemed to be seizing, however, was some stupid attempt at getting the upper hand in this old battle.

As I looked on Jane blanched in embarrassment and I could see Roger behind her, his jaw tight and his hand beginning to curl into a fist. I couldn't blame him. At the moment I wanted to punch that grin right off Shannon's face too. But something Jane had once said to me popped back into my head – how we were all stuck in some strange looping version of our lives, the same themes played out over and over, roles slightly adjusted as we repeated emotions and events in variation after variation of the same few themes. I remembered trying to keep Roger from punching Shannon the night Jane and Shannon had first hooked up. I remembered my own cocky attitude in the bookstore and Shannon's fury with me four years ago. I remembered Shannon being bewildered by how far Jane had left him behind, very much the way I was feeling about this entire situation now. What wasn't new was the pain in Jane's eyes, caused once again by Shannon. It was if no time had gone by at all. Maybe she was right to try to leave us all behind again. I had a feeling this reunion wasn't just unwelcome by Roger's standards.

Jane took in Shannon's attitude, looked to Roger and then me, and then squared her shoulders and drew herself up. “Look's who still a disgusting piece of shit,” she spat back, the pain dissolving into fire.

“Okay, so I guess this is a bad idea,” I interjected.

“Dammit, I can't believe I ever let either one of you get to me. You couldn't just leave it alone, could you Jared?”

“Hey, this isn't my fault! What the hell did I do?”

“Don't yell at her,” Roger growled.

“I wasn't yelling,” I replied through gritted teeth. “I am trying not to cause a scene where you are, as you pointed out, “working”. But if you want me to start yelling...”

“Leave him alone,” Jane challenged, stepping in between Roger and myself like she was the one about to do the punching.

“Why is everyone mad at me?” I demanded. “All I did was come to a party. What the fuck?”

Shannon started laughing and the three of immediately turned on him. “Yeah, Jane's back all right. Everyone's yelling at each other while we try not to make a scene at a party. Tell me, Janey girl, what's on the agenda this time around? How are you going to fuck with my head now? If you're wanting to fuck the rest of the band you'd better get going, we seem to be running a little low on members at the moment.”

Jane wheeled around so fast I could feel air rushing past me as her arm drew back. Just like that she had slapped Shannon across the face and seemed to be gearing up to do it again. Roger dove in and scooped her up, her fist beating against his chest as he lifted her into the air. She looked so tiny in his long arms. I often forgot how small she was, her presence was so big.

I looked over at Shannon who was holding his hand to his face, his eyes wide. That smugness was gone as quickly as it had surfaced, confirming what I had thought to begin with – it was all bravado and bullshit. He was as shaken in seeing Jane here as she was by him. “Fucking apologize to her, Shannon. That was way out of line.”

Shannon rubbed his jaw for a minute and watched Jane flailing as Roger tried to hold on. “Was it?" he asked, his mood shifting again. "Kind of like sleeping with my brother to get back at me?”

Jane freed herself from Roger's grip and plopped back onto her feet with an unceremonious wobble. She dusted herself off and straightened her dress while she stared Shannon down. “I didn't sleep with Jared to get back at you. You've got a lot of nerve criticizing who I was sleeping with at all, after what you pulled.”

“The fuck you didn't. I get you wanting to lie to me but at least be fucking honest with yourself.”

Jane threw up her hands. “Why the hell do you keep turning up in my life? Why are you what fate keeps throwing at me every time things start going well?”

“Yeah, things were going really well for you before. Just think, instead of standing here in LA hating me you could be living in Australia with that gaslighting, abusive bag of dicks you were going to marry.”

“Yes, I've really cornered the market on bad decisions. Tell me, oh wise guru, what should I do now?”

Shannon grinned, his tongue planted firmly in his cheek as he gave Jane a dangerous look. “You could get on your knees and blow me. You were always good for that.”

“Okay!” My voice was much louder than I wanted as I stepped between them before Jane gave Shannon another well-deserved slap. “This is getting us nowhere.”

Jane was undeterred. “Yeah, that's me, the stupid slut that led you astray. It's all my fault,” she said sarcastically. “Jesus Christ, Shannon, when are you going to grow up and take some responsibility for your own fuck-ups?”

“Look, we're going back out on tour In a couple weeks. We won't even be in LA much longer. It shouldn't be hard to keep the two of them apart,” I said to Roger. “Why don't I give you my number...”

“Why, so you can blow him off when he calls too?” Jane demanded, her anger turning on me.

“Jane, I'm not even sure why you're mad at me. I tried to be there for you as a friend, and when you asked me to back off I did. I don't understand why you two are so pissed at me.”

“I said I needed some time, not … whatever in the fuck that phone call was.”

I thought back on the last few interactions I'd had with Jane. Had I misunderstood something? Had she? I looked at Roger but he was no help, jaw still set in that hard line as he fought to contain his temper. I had hoped when I dragged everyone back here that if Shannon and Jane couldn't at least come to some sort of understanding perhaps the other three of us could resume our friendship. Even though we hadn't really spent much time together it had felt like we had all known each other for years. We'd packed a lot of history into those few months. I thought we really had connected. Now I didn't know. Something had definitely happened, however, because emotions didn't run this high over people you didn't give a shit about.

“Jane...” I didn't know what to say or how to bridge this gap. ”I really don't understand. I guess I always thought that once you had worked through things we would talk again someday.” I turned to Roger. “Or you would call or …. something. Not this.”

Jane knitted her brow and looked at me like she had never seen me before. “If you still wanted to be friends then why the hell did you tell me not to bother calling you again?”

“I didn't...”I started to insist I had never said such a thing but then I remembered the last time Jane had called me. It had been a late night and I had had... company. The last email I had gotten from her had been strange, dismissive and nasty, so much so that I was taken by surprise when she had called. I was distracted then but now that I thought about it it probably came off as really rude. Still, I wasn't the one that had started that kiss off. “I don't..I didn't mean it like that. But come on, Jane. You're the one that said you weren't interested in a “man-whore like me” if I remember your phrasing correctly. That you knew I was only after one thing and that I needed to stop trying to "get with you". You know that email cut pretty deep.”

“What? I never said anything like that!”

“Yeah, you damn well did, Jane. I don't know if you got drunk and let your true feelings out or what the hell happened, but you said that and a few more things and honestly, it fucking hurt. I was just trying to be your friend.”

“No, I didn't say anything like that. I would remember. And I was completely sober, I quit drinking. Quit everything. There's no way I did it in a stupor of any kind.” Jane's voice had started out angry but it softened and turned to puzzlement as she finished. We stood looking at each other for a few minutes while we tried to sort out why we had such differing memories of the events. She was sure what she had done. I was sure what I had read. It didn't make any sense at all until Shannon began to laugh.

I think we all three turned our heads to him in unison. That cruel smirk was back, one I had never seen on him before. It was like I was witnessing some secret Shannon. I didn't like him. “What the fuck did you do?” I asked as realization started to set in. He didn't answer, just kept cackling like some sort of cut-rate movie villain. “Shannon, what the fuck did you do?”

“Gave you both what you deserve, that's what.” He shook his head as he looked back and forth between us. “You two getting all cozy the minute I was out of the picture. It made me fucking sick.”

Shannon walked back up to Jane and got in her face again, venom dripping from his voice. “I'm the one that was an idiot. I'm the one that was tricked into believing you were something you weren't. All I ever was was the consolation prize. You never stopped wanting Jared and the minute you thought you finally had his attention you couldn't get into his bed fast enough. You never gave a shit about me and you need to stop pretending like you did. It's obscene. It's sickening.”

“You hacked my email,” I supplied as the pieces fell into place. “Well, probably not you, but you got someone to do it for you didn't you?”

Shannon grinned, his face a mask of twisted pride. Roger had resumed his pre-fight stance and I would have thought things were going to come to blows for real this time but Jane spoke up next, her eyes full of tears and her lips trembling.

“I loved you, Shannon. You were never a consolation prize. You were the one for me, the one I could never forget, the one that stole my heart when I wasn't even looking.”

I remembered that night at the diner, after the incident in the treehouse, sitting across from Jane while she sobbed and spilled her guts. She had told me those very same things, and a lot more, things that had deeply bruised my ego at the time. I hadn't realized then how much I had fallen for her. It wasn't until I saw her again, until I stood by while she handed her heart over to Shannon and he disregarded it completely that I realized how deep my feelings for her went. It had hurt the first time to know that she had looked right past me and chosen Shannon. It was worse to watch her chose him again when he was treating her so badly. I wondered, if Shannon had shared with me what he had done, or what he had thought was truly going on between me and Jane, if I would have told him about those confessions she had made all those years ago, or if I would have kept it to myself. I guess it didn't matter now. He had been wrong and he had hurt people because of it and this was going to be a long time blowing over. “It wasn't like that, Shannon. She never lied to you. Not even a little.”

Shannon shook his head in disbelief. “Bullshit,” was all he said but I could hear the doubt that had crept into his voice.

“I loved you Shannon but you didn't care. I loved you Shannon, but you didn't believe me. I loved you, Shannon, but it wasn't enough for you. I loved you, Shannon, but you threw it all away. You broke my heart. You broke me. After all that, I'm the one who got to decide how to glue myself back together. If you didn't like what I chose then maybe you shouldn't have put me in that position.”

“How could you have loved me and slept with him?” Shannon demanded.

Jane's tears turned into sobs, but if Shannon thought they were tears of guilt he was about to be corrected. Her voice was barely audible as she turned her face back up to his, and the heartbreak evident in it left no room for doubt about her feelings. “How could you have loved me and slept with all of them?”

Well, here it was. The confrontation that had been four years in coming. I don't think either of them felt any better for it. I looked at Roger who shrugged and then nodded. It was time to separate them. I handed Roger my phone. “I'm going to take him to the car and then go find Chloe. Would you leave me your info so I can call tomorrow and we can talk through the rest of this? I think we've all had enough for one night.”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Shannon was seething as I steered him toward the car, but he wasn't the only one. I was stinging from his newly discovered betrayal. “I can't fucking believe you did that to me. What the hell, Shannon? When did you get so underhanded?”

“Oh yeah, I was the sneaky one. You stabbed me in the back first,” he shot back at me.

“You started it? Really? That's your defense? We're not seven anymore and no one stabbed you in the back. If anyone sabotaged you it was you.”

“Yeah, everyone wants to point out my mistakes but no one is actually willing to hear my side of things or talk it out with me. Jane made mistakes and everyone was all “Oh, it's okay Janey, stop crying, we forgive you.” I fuck up and before we can talk about it at all you're balls deep in my girlfriend!”

“You're what?” Chloe demanded as she stalked across the lawn. Perfect. Just what this night needed. Another scene.

“Not tonight,” I grumbled.

“Yeah, I think we are going to talk about this tonight,” Chloe said, completely misunderstanding me. “Is this why that redhead came up to me and asked who I was and then told me I needed to go collect my boyfriend?”

“I meant this happened four years ago...”

“I told her I didn't have a boyfriend, by the way. Just some asshole who promises me bullshit so I'll suck his dick.”

I groaned. “Chloe, goddammit tell me you did not fucking say that to her!” Chloe rolled her eyes and handed me my phone. “You know what, fine. This isn't worth it. Get in the goddamn car and I'll take you back to my place so you can gather your shit and go find someone who'll treat you in the manner you so clearly think you're entitled to.”

She spluttered but got in the car, glaring at me the entire time. I turned to Shannon, who still stood on the opposite side of the vehicle, refusing to get inside. “As for you, were you holding that “Jane fucked up card” the entire time thinking it was going to get you out of whatever trouble you got into? Did you seriously think you were going to get away with sleeping around on her? Does she seem like the type to you that would go for that? What you and she did weren't even remotely on the same level. You made a conscious decision over and over again. She made an impulsive bad choice when she was drunk, and she owned it immediately. You need to take responsibility for your fucking mistakes for once, Shannon.”

“Why am I the only one being held to that fucking standard!” Shannon shouted at the top of his lungs. I glanced around nervously and noted some people looking our way. I turned back to try again to get Shannon into the car but he was stalking off.

“Shannon!” I called after him but he just flipped me off and kept walking. I got in the car and drove after him.

“I'll call a cab. Fuck off,” he growled before flipping me off again and then walking away in the opposite direction. I looked over at Chloe who was sitting in the passenger seat, arms folded, looking at me like I was asshole of the year. I was done with both of them. I headed for home.

 

I called Roger the next day but after two rings it went straight to voicemail. I received a text a few minutes later – Now is not a good time – and I tossed the phone down in frustration. I wondered if either of them had any intentions of talking to me. Maybe they were just trying once again to let this all go, but I thought we had proven pretty conclusively last night that simply wasn't going to happen. I didn't know what chatting about it was going to improve but ignoring things hadn't made them go away, they had only festered. I didn't like having this hanging over me, and I hated that Shannon's manipulations had made me look like such a jackass. I wondered what they had thought about me all these years. No wonder Roger had stopped speaking to me.

Shannon didn't come back home the next day or the day after that either. This was nothing new, he had been disappearing for days and even weeks since he was a teenager, but I had never stopped worrying about him when he did. Even when I was furious with him I still worried. He finally turned up three days later, still in the clothes he'd been wearing at the party, smelling like a nightclub bathroom. There had been a lot of shouting, all by me, and I had demanded to know what the hell happened to him but he had shut me out entirely, refusing to say a word or even look me in the eye. He simply retreated to his room and I heard his shower going a few minutes later. When I checked in again he was asleep.

Of course, as predicted, Chloe had cleared out the minute we had returned from the party, hurling expletives at me as she waited for her cab. I should have felt worse about that than I did, but I had never made her any promises, regardless of what she might have wishfully imagined. I had been relieved when she left, I wasn't in the mood to deal with her anymore, or anyone else either, and I had sent everyone away. Now that Shannon was home and I was no longer worrying about him I was becoming acutely aware of my solitude. I puttered around the house for a little bit before ultimately grabbing my keys, thinking maybe I would go for a drive.

I was stuck in traffic, drumming my fingers on the steering wheel when my phone lit up with a text message. Seeing as how I wasn't moving anywhere I didn't see the harm and so I picked up the phone only to find the text was from Jane. It was simple – _Could you maybe come by? I'd like to talk_.-- but it was the opening I had been hoping for.

_I'm not doing anything right now, just out for a drive. How's now?_ I texted back. There was no immediate response and the traffic started to move again so I tossed the phone back onto the seat beside me and looked for somewhere good to pull over. I eventually found myself sitting in the parking lot of a gym, tapping the phone screen and waiting. I guess Jane hadn't expected so quick a response. I wondered again what the hell I was even doing here. Why did it matter to me what Jane or Roger thought at this point? Years had gone by. It shouldn't still matter this much. I wasn't sure why it did.

_Okay, now would be okay. Sending the address._

Jane and Roger's place (well I assumed they were still living together, even with the spat they'd had I couldn't picture either one of them without the other) wasn't that from my place. I'd have been closer if I'd just stayed at home. It took me about forty minutes from where I was, but since I was kind of taking Jane by surprise it was probably for the best. I ran through so many things in my head that I wanted to say to her. I wondered if I'd have the nerve to tell her any of it though. For as much as I seemed to like the sound of my own voice, I had a bad habit of not really saying much. At least not anything important.

Jane answered the door in blue jeans and a tank top, and I wondered if she had been tanning recently because her freckles stood out in staunch relief on her fair skin. My brain supplied an image of them, a spray of pigmentation down her right side just under her breast, and felt an all too familiar tug in my stomach. “Hi, Jane,” I greeted her.

“Hey Jared, come on in,” she beckoned as she stepped aside.

The house was completely different than their apartment in New York had been, and I wondered if I was seeing the contrast in decorating styles between Jane and Roger. It was light and airy, full of plants and whitewashed wood. “Nice place,” I complimented her as she led me back to a small sunroom in the rear of the house.

“Thanks. We only moved in a few months ago but I really like it.”

“Yeah, the light is amazing. So you and Roger are living together still?

“Yeah, of course we are,” Jane said with a sly grin. “Did you really think we wouldn't be?”

“Well you know the last time I spoke to either one of you, you weren't speaking to each other so who knows.”

Jane nodded gravely, acknowledging the last time we had been together “Yeah, things were pretty bad then for all of us.” She gestured toward the seating, oversized rattan pieces with thick cushions and tastefully patterned throw pillows. “Can I get you a drink or anything?”

I shook my head before sitting down. I hadn't known what to expect when I got here but Jane certainly seemed to be calm. Hopefully, she'd had time to think things over since the bombshell that Shannon had dropped. “So, how are you really? Are you glad to be back in Los Angeles?”

Jane shrugged. “I don't know. I'd gotten pretty attached to New York and they are so different. There are definitely things that I miss. It does feel a little like coming home though, being out here.”

I noticed she hadn't answered my first question. I was the king of verbal Olympics event of talking without committing to anything. She wasn't going to get one over on me that easily.”But you're okay though? You're doing well?”

Jane gave me that sly smile again. “I'm fine. Things are going pretty well. My latest book came out two weeks ago and it's getting great reviews. Completely broke the initial sales projections and they're already talking second printing.”

“Wow,” I said, truly impressed. “How many does that make for you now?”

“This is four. It's the start of a new series.” She picked up a pillow from beside her and sat it on her lap, picking at the fringe. “You guys have done pretty well for yourselves too.”

“It's been an amazing journey,” I replied. The small talk was agonizing but I knew we had to start somewhere. “Did you like the last album?”

Jane shrugged uncomfortably. “I haven't listened to it. I've heard songs on the radio but...”

I don't know why I expected that she had, why I thought she'd keep up with us at all. It wasn't like I had read her books. “Sorry. I guess that makes sense.”

We sat there in silence until the air grew thick with it. So many memories swirled through my head, the innocent way everything had started over french fries at a diner, to the sorry state of affairs we had let our lives come to the last time we had all bumped into each other. I hoped things were better for Jane and Roger now. They were certainly better for me. “How's Roger?” I finally ventured. “Is he excited about this series?”

Jane brightened a bit. “He is so thrilled. You have no idea. I read all the books when he was getting ready for the audition and they are so good. His part is so interesting. Are you familiar with it?”

“No. It's not really my thing. But I'm happy he's happy with it. He is, right? You're both happy, aren't you? I mean the last time we talked...”

“Yes, Jared. We were a mess, I know. Things are much better now. How about you? You were going through some stuff yourself.”

“Things are pretty good with me right now,” I assured her. She nodded and then went back to examining the pillow. I wondered if she wanted to ask about Shannon. “Look, about the other night...”

“It was just a fluke. We probably won't be running into each other again. I don't go to those things with Roger very often but he was nervous because there were a few people he was trying to impress and so I made an exception,” she said without looking up.

“I wouldn't mind running into you again,” I offered. “I really liked hanging out with you back then. Roger too. It would be nice if we could be friends somehow.”

Jane shrugged and her face shifted. She had never had a poker face of any sort, you could read her expressions like an open book. This one was sad, and something like regret and her voice was small when she spoke. “I'm sorry.”

“No, I'm sorry,” I conceded. “I shouldn't have brought it up. There's just too much history I guess...”

“No. That's not what I meant,” Jane sighed. “I'm sorry. You may have been rude and an ass but I didn't give you a chance to explain or bother to find out what was going on at all. I just reacted, and badly.”

I guess we were going revisit the past after all. “Look, I get it. I was the last in a long string of disappointments. You didn't have anything left to give me. Shannon timed his little trick well.”

“Fucking Shannon...” Jane mumbled under her breath and I could swear I saw her eyes start to tear.

“I should be the one apologizing. I shouldn't have shown up here to rub salt into old wounds. And I should have asked you about that email instead of reacting like a childish brat.”

Jane nodded and let out a shaky breath. “Don't get me wrong. I mostly never think about that summer anymore. I've gone on with my life. Seeing you guys like that though, out of the blue...”

“It just stirred up the ghosts,” I agreed. I knew what she was saying. I felt it too, something almost forgotten pulled from the back of the closet, like suddenly no time had passed at all. “So, this going on with your life, what does that look like for you?”

“Writing. A lot of writing. I have another publicity tour that I leave for next week.”

“Are you seeing anyone?” I blurted out far less casually than I would have liked.

Jane chuckled. “No. I don't really have room for that in my life these days. I write, I travel. I did some volunteer work for a few years, teaching English in Tanzania and Nepal, among other things. Took up some new hobbies. I stay busy enough. I'm happy,” she reassured me with a smile.

“I'm glad. You look amazing, by the way. That hair color suits you.”

“Yeah, it's the freckles I think. Lets me pull the redhead thing off convincingly.”

“What else has Roger been up to?”

“His career is pretty much taking everything right now. He really busted his ass working for it, and he took every reasonable part he could get, just to learn and get better. I think he was planning on staying in theater but this Seven Kings series was too incredible of an opportunity to pass up. I don't know where he'll go from there but wherever it is, I'll follow him. He did enough of that for me. It's my turn now.” She set the pillow aside and smoothed her hands against her jeans. “So are you seeing that Chloe girl?”

I shook my head. “No. That was … “ I couldn't figure out how to explain Chloe without making myself look like a complete jackass so I just opted not to explain at all. “She's gone anyway. How about Roger? Anyone in his life?”

Jane giggled. “I think he has a girlfriend.”

“You think? You don't know? How is that possible?”

“It's not like that. There's this bakery down the road that makes really great coffee. We've been stopping there since we moved in. The lady that owns it, Gretchen... well Roger keeps finding more and more excuses to stop by there lately. They flirt a lot and he's been going down there, ordering coffee and staying for hours. She's incredibly nice. Like, really warm and funny, and I like her a lot. So I'm hoping.”

“That's good,” I said. I sincerely meant it. “He deserves to find someone who gets him and makes him happy.”

“We all do,” Jane agreed.

We began to relax a little more after that, and Jane told me about some of the humanitarian volunteer work she had been doing, most recently in Nepal. She had apparently also taken up mountaineering, and although she had done some summiting overseas she was currently concentrating on the continental US, having just come back from scaling Mr. Whitney. I was impressed, she had never seemed the type to go in for a physical adventure like that and she must have stepped far outside her usual comfort zone for all of these things. There were a lot of dimensions to Jane and I realized I had only ever scratched the surface. I wasn't sure what I wanted from this relationship now, to be honest, I was a little conflicted, but I hoped that it least would include getting to know all these aspects of her a little better.

We made plans to meet up again later in the week, and I suggested trying to get Roger and Gretchen to join us. I wanted to connect with Roger again as much as Jane, and it seemed like a good excuse to meet the woman that seemed to have captured his attention and perhaps encourage that along. We lingered over our parting hug perhaps a little longer than normal and then I was in my car, heading home.

Other than the reference to his email, we hadn't mentioned Shannon at all.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Jane's POV:

 

Just as Jared pulled out of the driveway Roger pulled in. I had gone behind his back when I invited Jared over so I knew there was quite a discussion coming. I went into the kitchen to start some coffee, pulling out creamer and mugs. Roger joined me a few minutes later, setting a pink pastry box on the counter before choosing his favorite oversized hand glazed mug, one I had picked him up on my travels.

“Was that Jared I saw leaving?” he asked.

I poked at the pink box and grinned at Roger. “I should have known when you said you'd pick up lunch...”

He smiled and shrugged. “Yeah, yeah. No changing the subject. That was Jared wasn't it?”

“It was.”

He poured his mug of coffee and set it in front of his usual spot at the kitchen island, his face carefully neutral. “I thought we decided we didn't want whatever he was selling this year,” he said.

I puffed my cheeks and let out a slow breath before I grabbed my mug and sat down at my own customary spot. “I think that was more you deciding. I just kept thinking about him. I felt like I owed him an apology for blowing him off like that without so much as a chance to explain what the hell was going on.”

“You don't owe either one of them a thing, Jane,” Roger said as he pulled a bowl of fruit salad out the refrigerator and placed it in front of me.

“He didn't do anything wrong, Roger," I protested. "At least not intentionally. He tried to be there for me. For both of us.”

Roger sighed and pulled some plates out of the cabinet. He then flipped open the pastry box, retrieving a couple of croissants filled with a curried mock chicken salad that the bakery specialized in and that I was currently obsessed with. He made us each a plate as I waited for his response. “Maybe. I still think this is a bad idea.”

“Well, it's not like it will be my first bad decision.” I pointed out.

“It will be your first one in a while," he countered.

I didn't think that was particularly true either but I didn't belabor the point. “I really think he only wanted to make things better between us. We left everything on such a nasty note...”

Roger made a growling noise as he took his seat next to me. “I thought you promised Janet you weren't going to be making any more decisions based on what the men in your life wanted.”

“It's not like that...”

“Yeah, I think it's exactly like that. You get so caught up in wanting to be wanted, wanting to be chosen, that you just forget to figure out what you want. You're still on the elementary school playground waiting to get picked for someone's kickball team. Again, you promised Janet....”

Janet was our therapist, back in New York. Roger had started seeing her after his little meltdown, and when I had returned to the city he insisted that I see her too. She was really very good, compassionate and insightful, but she pulled no punches and had little patience for my rationalizations of things. SHe never failed to point out my mental gymnastics, pulling apart my personality while she smiled cheerfully from her oversized wingback chair. I loved her and hated her for it, but it got me moving, confronting more than a few of my bad behaviors, including my tendency to repair the damage to my childhood self-esteem by pursuing relationships based on who wanted me more. That was how I had ended up engaged to Angus. It was why I had become so obsessed with Shannon. It was why I had slept with Jared.

“It's not like that,” I asserted again. “I just meant that he seems sincere. I always enjoyed his company, and he was a great listener when I was having a lot of problems. Maybe, now that we've put some things behind us...”

Roger rolled his eyes. “Did the other night look to you like anyone had put anything behind them? Really?”

I didn't think he was understanding me. I tried again. “I thought I'd made peace with things...

Roger immediately cut me off again. “I think you made peace with the wrong thing.”

“What does that mean?” I protested.

Roger tossed his sandwich back onto his plate without even taking a bite. “Tell me what you made peace with, Jane.”

I took a minute to gather my thoughts. I didn't want to be misunderstood again. “I made some bad decisions back then. A series of them that led me to be someone I barely even recognized when I looked in the mirror. I can't go back and undo any of it, so I've gone forward instead, trying not to make the same mistakes.”

“Translation: I completely fucked up my personal life and instead of actually fixing my relationship issues I just stopped having relationships altogether and got new hobbies instead.”

“It's not like that...”

“You know you keep saying that but it always is. You can't say you aren't making the same relationship mistakes when you aren't having relationships, just like you can't brag about your flawless driving record if you don't even own a car." Roger's voice was rife with frustration as he pounded one finger against the countertop before ultimately folding his arms across his chest. “You act like you don't have a clue about yourself or your motivations, Jane, but I've read your writing. You're a lot more insightful with people and their behaviors than you like to let on. You have to be aware you're doing this. Which makes me think that maybe you just think I'm blind. Like somehow I can't see what that you're doing it.”

“I'm not doing anything, Rog," I sighed.

“No, no you're not. You're doing absolutely shit all about this problem. And it is a problem, Jane, no matter how much you try to convince yourself you don't care or you've made peace with your solitude.” His voice was getting louder by the sentence, his gesticulations wilder.

“Why do you sound like you're mad at me? What did I do? I don't really even see what the big deal is. I'm really busy, I travel a lot. I just haven't met anyone.”

Roger took a deep breath and put his hands on my shoulders before looking me square in the eye. “Jane, I love you but you introduced me as your Platonic Life Partner last week.”

“Aren't you?” I had thought it was witty, and a pretty accurate description to boot.

Roger took another deep breath and I could practically hear him mentally count to ten. “Jane, this isn't healthy. I'm glad that you have a life outside of me now, that we both have our own lives. You will always be one of the most important people in my world, and you are things to me that no one else ever will be. But that's not all there is and we both deserve more.”

“Roger, I'm happy. I'm fine. And if you want me to start dating again, then why would reconciling with Jared be such a big deal? I mean you seem to think that's what he came around for, and I could certainly do worse...”

“Have you ever noticed, Jane,” Roger asked, cutting me off yet again, “that when it comes to Jared, our arguments are always “It's not the worst idea.”? Not “Oh, I really like him, he's the one for me!” or, “I think we'd be great together!” but more like “Well it beats dating prisoners or raising velociraptors”?”

“Okay, so I phrased that poorly.”

“No, I don't think you did. I think you were spot on."

It was my turn to take a deep breath and count to ten. It felt like Roger was determined to put a stop to things that hadn't even started yet, for no reason that made any sense to me. “Look. He's a great guy. He can be a dick sometimes but so can you.” Roger made a snort of protest. I ignored it. “He's generally very supportive and caring. Also, he's funny, smart, creative, and successful. And so so pretty," I couldn't resist adding. "If you want me to start dating again, wouldn't he be a good place to start?”

“Well since he's where you stopped I guess it's kind of fitting," Roger replied with a huff.

“I'm not saying that's what's going on though. Really, it was just a friendly chat. I don't know if he's interested in anything more than that. I didn't really get a vibe off of him.”

“Would you even know what one feels like anymore?”

“I did tell him we'd all have dinner on Friday,” I added sheepishly. “He wanted me to invite you and Gretchen. I brought her up and he wants to meet her.”

Roger blinked at me for several seconds. “You set up a double date with him and you don't know if he's interested? Really, Jane?”

“It's just friends having dinner. You're reading too much into things."

“When the fuck did you get to be this obtuse?”

“Is this because you used to sleep with him? Is it just too weird for you?” I demanded. That was one area we had carefully avoided discussing in the intervening years – the strange junction of our sex lives that was Jared Leto. “Are you jealous? Do you want to get back with him?”

“No, Jane. Goddammit.” Roger picked up his plate and shoved it in the refrigerator without even wrapping it up. I had clearly gotten under his skin. “This is not about me, but for the record, once and for all, I do not want Jared. If you in any way start pushing that again I swear to god...”

“Fine. Jesus. Sorry I asked,” grumbled back at him. “That was an awfully quick response though.”

“Did you ask about Shannon?” Roger said, quickly changing the subject. I cross my arms over my chest and glared at him. “Come on, Jane. You can pretend all you want but we both know this all comes down to Shannon in the end.”

My voice was quiet when I responded, giving away far more than I meant it to. “I didn't ask about Shannon. I don't want to know about him.”

Roger sat back down next to me. “Exactly how do you think that's going to work out? You know how close they are. How can you have any kind of relationship, even a friendship, with Jared and not have to deal with Shannon sooner or later?”

“I don't know.” This was the one point where even I had to admit all my plans fell apart. “After that stunning performance of his at the party, I don't see how we can even be in the same room together. I guess if Jared and I make friends again, or whatever, I guess we'll have to do it while Shannon isn't around.”

“So you're going to run around behind your ex-boyfriend's back with his brother? Really classy there.”

I sighed. “Roger, why do you always make everything sound so much worse than it actually is? Jared and I didn't do anything wrong and I don't see why we should have to be punished for Shannon's crappy behavior.”

Roger gave a sigh of his own. “I'm not making anything sound like any more than it actually is. You're just not being honest with yourself. You know Janet...”

“Fuck Janet. I am tired of hearing you tell me what Janet would say or think. If I want to talk to Janet I'll talk to Janet. You're not her. And if Jared and I want to try to have some kind of a relationship then that is up to us, not you and not Shannon.” I snapped.

“Okay, fine. Let's say you and Jared ride off into the sunset together. Don't you think that's going to make family holidays a little awkward? Hell, don't you think that's gonna make band practice a little awkward?”

I gritted my teeth. “I'm cool with it. I don't care if Shannon is uncomfortable. Fuck him.”

Roger gave me a wry laugh. “All right, slow your roll there, Yoko. You do care. You care a hell of a lot. Remember who you're talking to here. I know you better than you know you.”

“Could you not do that? That is so fucking annoying.”

“Be right? Sorry. Unavoidable habit of mine,” Roger smirked. I swatted him on the arm. “Ow!”

"You don't know everything you think you do," I grumbled.

“Oh, Janey,” he said as he put his arms around me. “You really don't get it do you?”

“What, Roger?”

Roger was quiet for a moment. “I tell you what. I'll make a deal with you. I will ask Gretchen out and we'll do this dinner thing with you and Jared on Friday under one condition.”

I sat back up and rubbed my nose to keep the tears at bay. I wasn't sure what I was so spun up about right now but something felt like it was about to burst the dam. “What condition?”

“You ask Jared about Shannon. And you get enough information to come back to me and give me a full report. Then if you still want to go to that dinner we will.”

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Jared's POV:

 

After leaving Jane's I was too restless to go home, and still too angry to deal with Shannon, so I drove around for a bit and tried to get my head around what was happening to me. The day had stirred up a lot of old memories, and sitting down with Jane hadn't given me the clarity I had hoped for. If anything it was all that much nearer, and more complicated than it ever was. I may have told myself I didn't know why I was going over to see Jane, but then there she was, so much like I remembered her that night in the diner, and everything I had tried to ignore and forget just started spilling loose.

The night we met Jane, Shannon couldn't stop talking about her all the way home. I had thought she was certainly pretty enough, and she had a quick wit and a certain realness that drew me in. I enjoyed talking to her and wanted to see her again. But Shannon … he was completely gaga over her.

“ _I can't believe she didn't run off or call for help or something when I sat down with her. She just gave me her fries. She's so chill.”_

“ _Did you see her eyes, Jay? Have you ever seen anyone with eyes that color?”_

“ _She's so smart too. Didn't you pick up on that?”_

“ _Did you notice when she smiles her nose crinkles and her freckles all scrunch together?”_

“ _She laughed so hard when I wouldn't give her hat back. She didn't get mad at all. I love her laugh.”_

“ _She looked so shy when you asked about her writing. It was so cute. I bet she's really good though. She just seems like she would be really good.”_

“ _She's like one of those smart girls that never talked to me in school but nicer. I hope she didn't think I was stupid. I should have talked more”_

“ _I think she liked me. Do you think she liked me? Do you think she'll go if I call and ask her out?”_

That last observation is where it all started to go sideways, of course. I pointed out that it was me she had been talking to all night. While Shannon had sat there playing with her pencils and clowning around. I was the one that got her number. I was the one she was paying attention to. I was sure I was the one she wanted, and I liked her too, and I was going to call and ask her out.

Shannon had been so incredibly pissed. He called me a few choice names, pointed out that I didn't have to collect every decent looking woman we ran into, that he was more into her than I was, that I only liked her because she didn't recognize me, and then had invoked the “I saw her first” clause as a last-ditch attempt at getting me to back off. After a little consideration, I grudgingly conceded he might be right. I had certainly liked her but it was possible it was the novelty that drew me in. She wasn't really like the woman that usually chased me, and it was nice not to be “Jordan Catalano” for a night. Shannon was obviously more into her but that didn't mean anything if she wasn't into him, and I had a feeling that she wasn't. I was certain that her attention had been on me, although I didn't want to be the one to tell him that. So I had come up with one of the stupidest ideas I would ever come up with, a compromise of sorts. We would both give her space, invite her out only to things we were both going to be present for, and then let her decide if she was interested in either one of us. I didn't honestly think I had much to lose. I was almost positive Jane would pick me. And when that happened, well it wouldn't be because of anything I had done to Shannon, and he couldn't be pissed at me. Of course, we know how that all played out.

That first party we all went to – when Shannon disappeared after spotting Jane, I figured it was already over. They had slipped off together somewhere and I had been forgotten. I was angry with him for sneaking off with her like that before I even got a chance to say hello again, and then I was so pissed at Shannon when I found out what had actually happened I had forgotten to be mad at him for swiping Jane. Then he sneaked off again to hang with her at her place and I had to call and put a stop to that. When they slept together at that last party, the one where she brought Roger, I wasn't really even that surprised at that point. Shannon had led a full-on campaign to push me out of the picture. The surprising thing was how disappointed I was. And angry.

I told myself I was angry with Jane for using Shannon and leading him on like that. He was crazy about her and he was in a very vulnerable place and I didn't want to see him get his heart stomped on. But I was angry with Shannon too... for rigging the game, for not playing by the rules, for swiping Jane right out from under my nose. And I was angrier with myself for letting him. We fought furiously until we got the message that she wanted to speak to us and would be waiting in the diner. Shannon wanted to go her right away, of course. For once though, I wanted the upper hand. I wanted the advantage. So I went to meet her alone.

I don't know what I expected. An apology, certainly, but beyond that... well, I just didn't know. I assumed if she was willing to go to such great lengths to get my attention that maybe there was still something salvageable there. Because the truly insane thing was – Jane's crazy ass plan had worked. Seeing her with Shannon removed any doubt in my mind that she was just a novel infatuation. We'd all been behaving pretty badly, to be honest – mine and Shannon's manipulative plan to get her to pick one of us, Shannon's sneaking around, Jane's almost Machiavellian machinations to turn the tide in her favor – but I had hoped once the dust settled and Shannon was able to get over things, there might still be some chance for Jane and me. I was angry with her for what she had done, for all the trouble she had caused between Shannon and me, but I knew it would blow over eventually. Shannon and I would make up like we always had. She just had to know that she couldn't get between us again, she couldn't try to play us off each other again. I didn't know she had changed her mind. I never saw it coming.

I sat there in that booth while Jane sobbed and poured out her soul, and I had to pretend like it didn't hurt. I had shown up hoping that once I made her understand that dividing Shannon and me was a line she could never cross again, we could maybe figure out a way forward. I was still expecting to win her. Right up until that last moment, I was still playing the game, still thinking that somehow I was going to win. After all, all that drama she caused she caused because she wanted me. Or so she had said. And she had apologized right off the bat. She knew she had been wrong. For just one shining moment it was all full of promise. Then it all fell apart. She wanted Shannon. She asked about Shannon. So I did what I always did – I pretended like it didn't matter. I played the protective brother card. I swallowed up my loss and let Shannon have his fun, knowing she was leaving soon anyway. It was only for a few days. It should have been an easy pill to swallow. It turned out to be anything but.

As the years passed after they separated I began to think he was never going to get over her. It took a year or so after she left before he quit talking about her all the time, wondering when they would meet again as if it were a foregone conclusion. Even once he stopped talking about her all the time I knew she was far from forgotten. He always kept her picture with him, and I would catch him writing her letters, notes on the back of photos, humming that stupid Lou Reed song while he stared into space. Inevitably every woman he dated got compared to Jane. I was sure his obsession with her was the reason he could never keep a relationship together, and it hurt me to watch it play out over and over again. What was worse was as long as he couldn't forget her, it only made it that much harder for me to move on too.

I eventually succeeded where he failed, landing myself in what I thought was a long-term, stable relationship. I wanted that for Shannon too, and so I had gone looking for Jane, intending to push along this destiny that he seemed to believe in. She hadn't proven to be too difficult to find. I couldn't imagine Shannon was that hard to track down either. I didn't understand why one or the other of them hadn't done it already, but then again, I'm not the believer in fate. That was more their thing.

When I found the engagement announcement I stopped there, not sure how I should proceed. I didn't want to break Shannon's heart all over again but it seemed obvious that this predestined reunion he was counting on wasn't going to happen. At least not the way he thought. Jane appeared to have moved on, leaving Shannon a long forgotten speck in her rearview mirror. When things started falling apart in my own life though I apparently wasn't content to keep the shit show to myself and I started digging into Jane again.

I don't know if that drag site wasn't up the first time I looked her up or if I had just missed it, but it was an eye-opener. I thought back over everything that had happened between us, and began to suspect, for the first time, that maybe we'd both had Jane wrong all along. I had done a little perfunctory follow up – Jesus, how I wish now I had done a better job of that – and then, seeing that she was currently out on a publicity tour, engineered that meeting. I told myself it was for Shannon's benefit, that he needed to see who she was, in all her ugliness, so he could move on once and for all. I told myself a lot of things. Hardly any of them were true.

Watching them get back together again was painful and infuriating. To see the way Jane just dropped everything else in her life the minute Shannon showed up again only confirmed my suspicions that she was out to get whatever she could, willing to play any angle no matter who got hurt. When the truth all came out, it was actually worse. It was like sitting in that diner booth all over again, pretending not to give a shit about my own feelings while the two of them professed their undying love for each other. I tried to tell her that she had broken my heart too, but she had more or less laughed me off, unwilling or unable to see the torch I had carried for her.

I might have been able to stomach it all if they had been good together; if they had been happy. That wasn't meant to be either. Instead, I got to watch while Shannon sulked and whined, picking apart every little thing she did. He didn't appreciate her, or how lucky he was to have her back. He certainly wasn't committed to it, cheating on her the first time she left him alone for more than an hour. At least I'd had Roger show up to distract me. That turned out to be its own shit show.

I am not going to pretend like I didn't notice how incredibly fucking hot he was that first night I met him back in LA. But I was still wrapped up in Jane then, just waiting for her to get up enough courage to make a move, or so I thought. I had quickly forgotten him but when we started talking on the phone while we tried to sort the mess that was Jane's life, I realized how much we had in common. I was feeling like shit after my engagement fell apart, he had just had an ugly breakup himself. As far as everyone else was concerned, we were just some emotionless whores who only cared about working or partying. He was adrift in the same way I was, needy in the same way I was, grabbing onto anything, the same way I was. I thought we had a connection. I thought we had an understanding. But I guess I broke that unwritten treaty before he did.

Maybe it was because everything else in my life was so upside down, but Roger... well that didn't really go the way I planned it either. It turned into something I didn't see coming. There was a certain peace when we were together, something that I hadn't felt in ages. Those few days were amazing. I could barely admit to myself at the time how much I enjoyed being with him. I certainly couldn't admit it to him. I tried. But he was right. I could never be for him what he needed, not like that. But he acted like it had meant nothing, I guess he thought the same thing everyone else did. I wasn't just "not relationship material" I was barely "breakfast after the one night stand" material. He left so fast I was surprised there weren't skid marks.

I missed him so much when he was gone. I knew he was struggling, so once again I slipped into the role of supportive friend and shoved my true feelings aside. It was better to be in his life as his friend than not at all. But it wasn't over. There was still one more big dump to stomach.

I still, four years later, cannot decide if sleeping with Jane was the only good decision I made that summer or the worst one. I didn't mean for it to happen the way it did. She was so heartbroken. I knew she was going to be if she found out, and with Shannon carrying on the way he was, it was only a matter of time. I just hadn't been prepared for how it would affect me to see her like that. I wanted to do anything to take away that pain.

I knew how vulnerable she was when she propositioned me, but I understood where she was coming from too. And after all that standing in the background and trying to look unaffected it didn't take much to tip the scales. I knew it could very well be the only chance I would ever have to be with her. I couldn't say no.

I tried to make it more than it was. I tried to keep things going, to be there for her while she healed so that she wouldn't forget me when she was ready to move on. When I got that e-mail – I kind of fell apart. Shannon had known exactly what to say to hurt me the most. To think that Jane saw me just the way Roger seemed to – some emotionless, manipulative, sex addict who clearly wasn't worth either of their time, some bad decision they couldn't distance themselves from fast enough – it cut pretty deep. I barely even remember that last phone call we had. It was all I could do to keep it together, to not show her how hurt I was over being rejected yet again. Maybe if I hadn't be so committed to seeming disinterested, if we'd had a good knock down drag out fight, things would have come to light. Things might have been different. Instead, I swallowed my feelings like I always did and then proceeded to party and fuck my way across North Africa until that summer and it's cast of characters became a faint memory.

Now here we were, eleven years after Shannon and I decided to stop for coffee on the way home from a club -- coffee, just a goddamn simple cup of coffee --

and yes, no one was over any of it. Not even a little bit. I couldn't tell you exactly why the four of us seemed so bound to each other. It probably would seem ridiculous that any of us cared this much about people that we had, in all honesty, not spent very much of our lives with. But every time we collided it was intense, everything seemed ramped up, more vivid, more present... as if that were the only real part of my life, and then it would be gone again, as quickly as it flashed up.

I didn't know what to do with any of the things I was feeling, and I had nearly rear-ended two cars driving around in that distracted state, so I thought maybe I would go hiking or something physical. I swung back by the house for a change of clothes and supplies. Shayla was there when I got in, although she appeared to be leaving.

“Hey, I thought I gave you the day off,” I told her as I tried to work up a smile.

“I just needed some paperwork,” She showed me the folders in her arms then looked me up and down with a grimace. Blinking at me, she stood there, unmoving, waiting for me to say something else, then looked behind her shoulder, surveying the house. “He's still asleep.”

“I didn't ask,” I grumbled.

“I know. I'm telling you anyway.” She stood there for another minute, probably wondering if I was going to make any attempt to explain what was going on. I wasn't. She left with a sigh and a half-hearted wave.

The quiet of the house wasn't helping my state of mind and I hurried to vacate it, changing quickly and starting to load a backpack. I was so lost in my thoughts, replaying my earlier chat with Jane over and over, that I didn't hear Shannon come into the room.

“Did you go see her? Is that where you were?” he accused.

I sighed and turned around. He was ruffled and his face was puffy, although I couldn't say if was from crying or just waking up. I wondered where he had been on this particular bender. I knew better than to think I was going to get any explanation, however. Well, two could play at that game.

“Where I've been is none of your damn business.”

Shannon snorted. “Yeah, that's where you were. Fucking asshole.”

“You know what? This isn't even about Jane. It's about you and me and the fact that you fucked me over for .. what exactly? Spite? Jealousy? I never thought you would turn on me like that.”

“You fucked my girlfriend!” Shannon shouted as he grabbed a bottle of water that was on my nightstand and hurled it at the wall. I should have shouted back, the way I always did. It was hardly the first time we'd had this argument. But I was just suddenly done. I heard someone laughing and it took me a second to realize it was me.

“Yeah, we're all doing a really great job of moving on, aren't we?”

My laughter only served to confuse Shannon and further infuriate him. I watched his face turn red before he spun around and stomped out of the room. I went back to filling my pack and few minutes later he appeared in my room again, dressed, with his keys in his hand.

“I'm sorry, okay?” he said so softly I had to strain to hear him. “It was both of those things. Spite. Jealousy. And anger and hurt and a million other things. I was a mess and the thought of you two together...” Shannon swallowed and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, never looking up from the carpet. “It was a shitty thing to do though and I'm sorry. Out of all the things I've fucked up in my life, that summer...”

Shannon shook his head and I caught a glimpse of his eyes as he did. They were damp and bloodshot, and his jawline was hard as he tried to maintain control. It was the first time he had ever said he was sorry for the way things had happened then. I could see how much it was costing him. “Shannon...”

“Did she ask about me? When you went to see her. I know you went to see her. Did she ask about me at all?”

“Uhm...” I began. But just like his mood shifted and the moment was gone.

“You know what, forget that. You don't deserve my apology. Fuck you for running to her the minute she fucking shows up,” he spat back at me before storming off again. I heard the front door slam seconds later. I wondered how many days he'd be gone this time.

I looked over at where the bottle had smashed and realized it needing cleaning up now rather than later. I was going to collect a broom when my phone rang. Jane. Perfect timing.

I should have let it go to voicemail. I'd had enough angst for one day just from trolling through my own memories. But stupidly I answered, completely unable to ignore her like always. She let me know that Roger had agreed to ask Gretchen to join us for dinner and offered to cook something there at the house. I told her I wanted to take them out, we really hadn't done anything like that before and I thought it would be nice. I suggested a few places, she countered with a few others, everything was light and pleasant. But like always with Jane, things were never simple and the twist was once again one I never saw coming.

“How's Shannon? Is he there?”

A lump formed in my throat and my mouth went dry. “Uhm... no, Jane. He's not here.”

“Can I ask how he's been doing? Does he still enjoy touring? Is he seeing anyone?" There as an awkward pause. "Is he happy?”

I was grateful she had waited until we were apart to ask. I don't think I could have handled the wistful look in her eyes if it matched the wistful tone of her voice right now. Jesus Christ, when was I going to fucking learn? “He's fine, Jane. Yeah, he still loves touring. Not seeing anyone, too busy partying and hooking up with random chicks for that.” I added, hoping that would drive home to her how much he hadn't matured in the intervening years. It wasn't like it was in any way untrue.

“Oh. I'm sorry. It's not really any of my business. It's just, Roger...” her voice trailed off and there was a moments silence. “I just needed to know I could ask about him. I don't mean to put you in the middle again. Forget I said anything.”

“It's okay, Jane. I should have expected it.” I should have.

“Look, I just...” I heard her sigh, take in another deep breath, and sigh again. Yeah, none of this was over. No one was moving on. We were still stuck in Jane's loop. “I'm sorry. I'm really looking forward to Friday. I'm sure it's going to be great. I'll talk to you later, okay?”

She disconnected the call before I could say another word. I stood in my kitchen, staring at the phone, eleven years worth a rage and confusion and buried emotions swirling in my chest. I threw my head back and screamed.

It was only ever supposed to have been a cup of coffee on the way home. Just a fucking cup of coffee.

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

I was nervous as hell as I sat at the table and waited for Jane and Roger to show up. I had offered to swing by and drive them to the restaurant but Jane had insisted on meeting me here. They were running late and I'd already been through two drinks trying to calm my nerves. I palmed my phone again, thinking about calling to find out if I'd been stood up when they finally arrived.

Roger looked amazing as always, cool and confident, and that swagger that he'd had when I'd first met him had returned. He was dressed simply, in a white button-down silk shirt and slacks, but there was still that suave air about him that made even that simple ensemble seem just a little glamorous. He had his hand at the waist of a short brunette, and I realized that must be Gretchen. She wasn't what I was expecting – from what little I had seen Roger went for the tall and leggy types and this woman was short and verging on plump, but she had a brilliant smile and Roger seemed very happy to have her on his arm. I grinned and waved at them, happy myself not to have been dumped, and then Jane stepped out from behind them.

As I looked at Jane, dressed head to toe in pale pink, her sleeveless sheath dress showing off her toned, tanned and freckled armed and legs, my breath left my chest in a rush. I was no longer unclear or conflicted about why I had invited them out. I stood up as they approached, greeting Roger with a hug and pulling out Jane's seat. When I complimented her on her appearance, I didn't fail to notice the way Jane blushed a bit and dropped her eyes. I wondered if she remembered she had been mine once, if only for a night. I wondered if she had thought about me at all since then.

“I'm so sorry we're late. It was my fault. I couldn't get my hair to behave,” Jane apologized with a laugh before ordering a tonic and lemon, no vodka, please.

“It looks perfect,” I said as I took in the elegant coif she had created, twists of curls that caught at the nape of her neck in a pale pink ribbon, sophisticated yet playful, much like Jane. “You're perfect,” I couldn't resist adding. I think Jane actually blushed that time.

“I'm sorry, I promise not to fangirl all evening, but I was so excited when Roger told me who we were having dinner with. I just want to say I'm a big fan. You were my first teenage crush. I had no idea you guys were friends,” Gretchen gushed. I caught Roger's eye, silently asking if she knew exactly what kind of friends we'd been. Roger gave a little chuckle and shook his head. I was pretty sure the answer to that was no.

“Thanks, Gretchen," I told her. She was even prettier up close, high cheekbones and hazel eyes framed in long lashes. "Jane and Roger tell me you own a bakery?”

Gretchen relaxed and brightened, and began telling me all about the bakery/cafe that she had opened two years ago. It was obviously her passion, and she absolutely lit up when talking about it. I noticed the way the gold flecks in her eyes sparkled and her smile widened and her hands became more animated the more she went on. I could see why Roger was taken with her. She was absolutely charming.

Dinner chatter was light but lively. Jane was leaving Tuesday for another promotional book tour. Her career had really gained momentum, and she had developed a loyal and passionate following. “I still don't like the tours,” she explained, “but it's mostly just the loneliness of it that gets to me. I like meeting my fans. They've all been really sweet.”

“How about you?” I asked Roger. “Are you getting used to the celebrity life?”

Roger laughed. “No, I don't get recognized at all out here yet. I'm hardly a celebrity.”

“Well buckle up. That series has a lot of buzz behind it already. I have a feeling it's going to be a wild ride for you. Don't let it fuck with your head too much. You know I'm always here if you want to talk.”

“Thanks. I really appreciate it. We start shooting next Monday. Assuming they follow the books and all if we get picked up for a second season that's where it will really start getting interesting for me.”

“Are you shooting here in town?”

Roger took a sip of his drink as he nodded. “For starters. Then we've got location shoots in several places in the UK. How about you? Aren't you shooting something in Europe this summer?”

I confirmed that I was, and we both chatted about our projects – well as much as we could, while Jane and Gretchen started a side conversation about a TV series they were both obsessed with. “All right, what are you two going on about?” I finally asked when their conversation began to include aliens that fed on orgasms.

“Torchwood,” Jane laughed. “We're not insane, I promise. It's a sci-fi series from the BBC. It's part of the Doctor Who universe.”

“So I don't know what that is, but I'm going to go with, yes, alien sex vampires do actually sound insane.”

Jane laughed and went right back to chatting about it with Gretchen. Roger shrugged as he watched them go on, as if this were just another normal evening for them. I felt strangely distant from it all, very much aware that I was an outsider in their group now, trying to find my way in again. Roger sensed my discomfort and managed to swing the conversation around to Los Angeles nightlife, and smiled reassuringly at me once I was able to join in again. He had always had a way with people. He hadn't lost his touch at all. I was grateful that he was along.

We lingered over the sushi and stayed for tea and dessert. The awkwardness fell away bit by bit as we discovered each other again. Jane was much more like she had been when we had first met, I thought. The wild party girl that had shown up to tour with us seemed to have faded into the background. The problem was, I didn't think she was nearly as happy as she pretended to be. She smiled and laughed and joked with everyone at the table, but there was something off, something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I tuned into her as best I could, but it was like chasing mist. Every time I thought I got close to something deeper it was gone, and when dessert finally finished and the check was paid that awkwardness from the beginning of the evening returned.

“It's still early,” I pointed out. “Would you guys like to go somewhere else?”

Roger looked at Gretchen expectantly. “What do you think? Do you want to go for drinks somewhere?”

Gretchen shook her head. “No, not drinks. I'm the only one even drinking tonight.” I hadn't really noticed until she pointed it out but other than Gretchen's sake, not a single alcoholic beverage had been ordered during the meal. “I wouldn't mind going somewhere to hang out though.”

“A movie?” Jane suggested. Roger nixed that one. “I don't want to go to a club or anything noisy," she added

“We could maybe talk a walk on the beach,” I suggested. Both women looked at their heels and then back at me. “Okay. We could go back to my place, maybe lounge around the pool?” That brought the biggest frown from Jane so far, and I realized immediately what the problem was. “He's not there,” I added softly.

“I'd rather not risk it,” Jane said matter-of-factly. “But we have a pool too. We could go back to our place.”

That was deemed acceptable by the rest of the group and so we headed to our cars. I saw that Roger had driven them there and so I asked Jane to come and ride with me. She hesitated momentarily, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Then Roger gave her a little nudge and a look, and she pasted a not entirely convincing smile on her face and joined me.

“So, uhm. Gretchen seems really nice,” I said once I had pulled the car out onto the road.

“Uh-huh,” Jane said non-commitally. She pulled at the hem of her dress. “I think I saw some paparazzi as we were leaving.”

I sighed. “Yeah, it happens. At least they mostly left us alone.”

“I guess. I know there's going to be more of that, with Roger and all, and I've dealt with it before, but it always seems so creepy to me. I don't know how you live like that.”

“You get kind of used to it I guess. After a while, you don't notice so much.”

“Maybe.” Jane fidgeted with her rings and continued looking at her dress and not me.

“Did I do something?” I asked. “You were so relaxed at dinner and now...”

Jane sighed and shook her head. “No. I'm sorry. I just...” She turned to me, the edge of her lower lip caught behind her teeth the way she always used to when she was thoughtful and a powerful wave of nostalgia washed over me. “Jared, was this supposed to be a date?”

I felt a lump forming in my throat. “That depends.”

“On what?”

“On whether you want it to be.”

Jane giggled nervously. “That's not really an answer.”

“I don't know, Jane. I want it to be, I honestly do. But I don't want to push, and if you're not ready for that, or you don't want that, it's okay. Just don't string me along.”

Jane nodded. “It's just not that simple, is it?”

“No. As much as I try to tell myself otherwise, there's a lot of weird history between us.”

“I'm sorry. Most of that is my fault," she mused.

“I don't know about that. I think we all got kind of caught up in events. It wasn't just you.”

Jane nodded again. “I guess. But it's just... I really don't do that. Date, I mean. I told you the other day. I don't really have time.”

“I get that you're busy,” I told her. “But I think I'm kind of the perfect solution to that. I'm busy too, and I'll understand why you're gone all the time. I have my own life. We could maybe see each other around that.”

“Don't you think that just makes it more difficult? We'd barely see each other at all.”

“I think it would depend on us and our expectations.”

Jane swallowed and gazed at the floorboards. “I just don't think it's that simple.”

The lump in my throat got bigger and my chest felt tight. I should have known. “Look, I get it, okay. Don't feel bad. I know I've always been your second choice.”

Jane's shoulders fell and she finally turned to look at me. “That's not it. Well, I suppose maybe in a way it is but not like you think." She paused, searching for her words. "It is about my choices, it's just that I tend to make really bad ones when it comes to relationships. I think I've only ever really made one good one, and that...” She shook her head wistfully. I wondered what memory she was living in that moment. It certainly wasn't me. “The point is my heart is a liar and a traitor and it can't be trusted. So I don't.”

I only understood about half of what she was trying to say. “What does that even mean?”

“It means I don't date. It means I enjoy my friends and my work and my traveling and concentrate on being enough for myself. Being in a relationship isn't necessary for happiness. There are lots of perfectly happy single people in this world.”

“So it's one-night stand city, huh?” I laughed before my brain could tell me that probably wasn't the best response. I expected Jane to laugh back like she usually did but she shifted uncomfortably and avoided my eyes. “I didn't mean me,” I added hastily, realizing it had made me sound like I was angling for a hook-up.

“I don't do that either,” Jane said with a roll of her eyes.

“Oh come on. It's me you're talking to. It's not like I'm going to judge you for bed hopping. It would be pretty fucking hypocritical of me.” Jane said nothing else, just went back to staring at the floorboards and tugging at her dress. “Jesus, you're serious aren't you? You've completely closed up shop, huh?”

Jane turned back around. “I don't think I want to have this conversation with you right now, Jared.”

I should have taken her at her word but I couldn't seem to let it go. “Jane, I'm sorry but that just seems so unlike you. You can't be happy like that. You were always so open and passionate.”

Jane just shrugged. “It's what works best for me.”

“Does it?” I asked. “I know I don't really know what all happened to you after the last time I saw you, but you seemed like you were getting so much stronger. Who took that from you?”

“No one took anything from me, Jared.”

“Well, something happened. Someone must have...”

“No, nothing happened," she avowed. "No one did anything to me because there hasn't been anyone. That's the beauty of it. If there's no one around to break me I don't get broken.”

“You're not broken," I admonished her.

“I know I'm not. And I intend to stay that way.”

I fixed my eyes on the road ahead and my voice was soft. “I don't want to break you.”

“Oh, Jared....” she sighed with a shake of her head.

Jane went quiet after that, leaning her head against the window to watch the buildings as we passed. I put on the radio and eventually she smiled again, relaxing a bit and humming along while I tried to get my head around the idea of Jane and her determination to leap headlong into spinsterhood. We were about a block from their house when what she had said hit me, and I turned off the radio.

“Hey,” she protested. “I was listening to that.”

“What did you mean when you said there hasn't been anyone, Jane?”

The smile on her face faded when she realized she had revealed more than she intended. “Can we just drop this?”

“There hasn't been anyone since me, you mean. At all. In any way.” She didn't respond but her silence told me what I needed to know. “Jane, that was four years ago,” I marveled.

“Please, Jared....”

“Am I what happened?” I felt terrible thinking that ambivalent phone call had pushed her over some cliff. Then again, maybe it meant she had cared more than she had let on.

Jane took a deep breath, twirling her rings as cloud after cloud passed over her face. “Can't we just leave the past alone?” she pleaded. “I don't think I can do this if we're going to dredge up old memories every ten minutes.”

“Okay. I'm sorry.” The last thing I wanted was to drive her away.

Jane reached over and placed her hand on top of mine. “Thank you. I am glad to see you again. I meant that.”

I pulled into her drive and parked next to Roger. Before Jane could get out of the car I leaned over and pulled her against me, hugging her tightly. “I didn't mean to spoil the evening. This can be whatever you want it to be. Just be honest about it, okay?”

Jane nodded as she pulled away.

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

    It was already getting a little chilly so we decided to forgo the pool and instead, Jane and Gretchen gathered drinks while Roger and I went to start their fire pit. Roger stopped first to change out of the white silk shirt he had been wearing, and he pulled me into his bedroom with him.   
    “That's new,” I said, noting a small tattoo on his left hip. Roger just shrugged and pulled his t-shirt on.   
    “So what are we doing here, Jared?” he asked bluntly once he had finished dressing.   
    I was a little thrown off by the question. “Uhm... you mean with Jane?”  
    “I mean in general.”  
    I looked at him through narrowed eyes. His hand was on the back of his neck, his shoulders slightly stooped in that way that tall, lanky men seemed to gravitate to. There was no other clue in his body language as to what he was getting at it. “I just wanted to see you guys again. I've missed you and I hate the way we left things.”  
His head fell to the side and he and took a deep breath. “You miss me? Or Jane?”

    I tried to remain casual but my heart sped up, suspecting I was walking into a trap. “Both? I didn't know I had to choose.”  
    “I'm not in the mood to play your verbal Olympics, Jared. You know what I'm getting at.”   
    “Do I? Because it sounds like you're asking if I'm here to try to rekindle something and I thought you made it pretty clear that you weren't interested in me.”  
    “I thought Jane made it clear that she wasn't either yet here you are,” Roger countered.   
     I threw up my hands. “Do you want me to go?”  
    Roger shook his head and stepped a little closer. “What did Jane say? On the way over?”  
    I started to wonder how he could know what we had been discussing but then I remember who I was dealing with. Of course, he knew. He probably told her to bring up the date thing to begin with. “She asked if this was a date. I told her it was what she wanted it to be.”  
    “Of course you did.” Roger's voice was rife with exasperation, and I had a feeling it wasn't only directed at me. “And what did she say that was?”  
    “You know you could just ask Jane...”

    “I'm asking you.” Roger stepped a little closer, his eyes traveling from my face to the closed door and then back again. “What's going on here?”  
    That tightness in my chest was back again. “Roger...”  
    We stood staring at each other, the air growing heavy and thick. I felt every breath I took as his grey-blue eyes searched my face. “Do you know what you want, Jared?   
    I knew exactly what I wanted, but I was pretty sure I couldn't have it. I was just trying to find some sort of compromise, something I could be happy with. I had tried to be open about it with Jane, but once again I don't think she was really hearing me. I hadn't given Roger as much thought; he at least had been quite clear that he wanted nothing more than friendship from me. I hadn't allowed myself to think of him otherwise in a long time. The idea that he might be asking now, now that I had managed my feelings for him so long ago and now that Jane was at least modestly available was just short of cruel. How could I tell Roger any of that though? “I think it doesn't really matter what I want. You and Jane have already made up your minds about what's going on here and where it's going and I don't think I have any say in it.”

    Roger threw his head back. “Goddammit, would you for once just give me a straight fucking answer to a question? What do you want from Jane?”  
    Well, at least that question was a little easier. “I still want her. Not as a friend, although I'll take that over nothing. I want whatever she is willing to give me.”  
    I wasn't sure what he was looking for in that moment but apparently, I said the right thing because some of the tension left Roger. He dropped his arms and stepped back. “She's lonely. She won't admit it but she is. She's come so far from where she was before but she refuses to try dating again. I want to see her get out there but you are not exactly the safest choice for easing her back into things.”  
    I was getting a little tired of Roger and his assumptions. “You know, you seem to have this really specific idea of who I am but I am not that person,” I told him indignantly. “I care about Jane. I always have. The last thing I'd want is to see her get hurt. She's been through enough already. I get that.”  
“Look, I'll get out of your way but you let her call the shots, you got that? No pushing. No manipulating. No wet puppy dog eyes.”  
    So that's what this was about. “Look, I'm telling you, I'm not that guy. Not anymore.”

    “Yeah, whatever. All that matters to me right now is that you're not that guy with Jane. I need you to be one hundred percent clear on that.” Roger stepped between me and the door, arms crossed over his chest.   
    “I promise,” I told him. I sincerely meant it. I hoped he could tell that.  
    “She's vulnerable, Jared. I mean, Jane's always vulnerable, she's a big damn sugar cookie, no matter how tough she thinks she's gotten. But she gets lonely on these publicity jaunts, and other people are calling all the shots and shuttling her around and it just messes with her head somehow. You caught her in the middle of her first one, you remember how she was. It hasn't really gotten much easier for her. I do not need you fucking with her head right now.”  
    “I am not going to fuck with her head, Roger. You can ask Jane. I've been completely upfront with her about all of this. I mean, nothing else has worked with her so far, so I figured brutal honesty was worth a try,” I chuckled.   
    Roger didn't laugh along with me but he stood and studied me for a minute before relaxing his arms again. He stayed firmly put in front of the door, however. “Okay. And what about me?”  
    “For fuck's sake, Roger. What about you?”  
    “Was this ever about me? Jane's not where you landed when you found out I wasn't available or something? And I wasn't your backup plan if it fell through with her? Because I'm not going to let you play us off each other. There's been enough of those kinds of games between the four of us to last us several lifetimes.”  
    I sighed. This was the complicated part, us tangled up in each other in dozens of little ways. “I would like to be your friend again. I am happy with that. I promise I have no further ulterior motives.”  
    “I'm serious, Jared.”  
    “So am I, Roger. We've all grown up a lot since then. There's still some air that needs clearing, and I get that it's going to be a little bumpy starting out but we were all more good to each other than we were bad, even then. It's worth a shot.”  
    Finally satisfied he stepped aside and opened the door. I could hear Jane and Gretchen laughing in the kitchen, and I hoped that the serious part of this evening was now over. I was ready to start enjoying the company I had been missing.  
  
    We assembled on the back deck, Jane putting on some music while Roger and I got the fire started and Gretchen arranged the little seating area. Everyone grabbed beers except for Jane, who had a bottle of sparkling water. As she sat down on the bench next to me I nudged the bottle in her hand. “What's up with that?” I asked her as quietly as possible.  
    Jane shrugged and tucked the bottle away next to her, out of sight. “Nothing.”  
    “Okay.”  
    “So when is your next appearance?” she asked, changing the subject.   
    “Tour picks back up on Friday, in Scotland.”  
    “Jane's doing a UK jaunt this fall,” Roger volunteered.  
    “Oh, I have always wanted to go!” Gretchen gushed. “I've just never seemed to find the time.”  
    “Roger will be there too, actually, though I doubt we'll see each other,” Jane pointed out.  
    “We've got a concert in London in September. Wouldn't it be wild if we were all there together?” I pointed out.  
    “Seeing as how we'll all be elbow deep in work I don't think it's that fabulous,” Roger chuckled. He had a point. It's not like there was a big reunion in our future.  
    “It's hard to believe this is where we are now,” Jane mused, and her eyes misted up a bit. Sentimental to the end, that was Jane. “I mean, Roger and I have known each other since we were...”

    “Ten, yes, we know,” I finished with a laugh. “Although if someone told me you two were actually twins I wouldn't have doubted it.”  
    Jane gave me a playful little shove. “I was just going to say that when we met you, you had a good start on your acting career but the music part of the picture hadn't even happened yet. And Roger was doing catalog shoots and I was still a student at USC. Now look at us.”  
    "How did you guys all meet anyway? Like I said until Roger invited me to dinner tonight I had no idea he even knew you,” Gretchen asked.   
    It was a natural question but she had no idea the minefield that answering it could prove to be. Roger and I looked to Jane, allowing her to take the reins. She gave a highly edited version, mentioning running into me and “my brother” in a diner, leaving Shannon carefully in the background. She regaled her moment of revelation at that last party when she discovered who I was with a storytelling flair that only a writer could manage. Gretchen was in stitches and I enjoyed hearing the tale of that night from Jane's point of view. Well, at least the first half of that night.   
    Gretchen asked a question about Roger's character in his upcoming project, and when I admitted wasn't familiar with the books Jane and Roger enthusiastically launched into an abridged retelling of the entire _Seven Kings_ series. Hearing it unfold, and remembering how Wycoff had referred to Roger by his character's name, I realized suddenly what a huge deal this was. It was a good thing that the first season had Roger's character working mostly in the background. It would give him a chance to get a feel for working in front of the cameras and let him adjust to being in the public eye. He was going to need that experience because by the second season he was going to be carrying that series. I regretted that I had never seen him perform. I guessed I would have to wait to see him on the small screen with everyone else now.   
   We chatted on for a while like that, comfortable again in each other's company. Gretchen fit in with Roger and Jane like she had known them for years. It was hard to believe that was her and Roger's first actual date. The chemistry was clearly there. They made a great couple.   
    The music shifted to something slower and the backyard was bathed in the wistful lyrics of “Chasing Cars”. Roger stood up and offered Gretchen his hand, and they stepped into each other, their bodies molding together as they took up the ballad's rhythm. I was a terrible dancer, I had no illusions about that, and I didn't think it would have been appropriate to ask Jane to join in at this point in our relationship anyway. I tried to think of something else to say, to lose the awkwardness in conversation, but then I looked at Jane. She was smiling up at the dancing couple, her profile framed in ringlet curls and her face radiant in the firelight. The attraction I'd held for her all these years hadn't diminished in her absence, it had grown. I was already in way over my head, and I didn't even mind. We were talking again. I felt like I had all the time in the world.   
    When the song finished Roger volunteered to get some more beers and Gretchen followed him into the house. Jane watched them go with a chuckle.  
    “They're not coming back, are they?” I asked.  
    “No, I don't think so,” she conceded with a laugh.   
    “They seem like a good fit.”  
    “They really do, don't they?” Jane agreed before taking another sip from her water bottle. “She seems to be really good for him too. I mean, I know it's early and all, but I really like them together.”  
    Jane shivered just a little bit and I grabbed one of the blankets that were folded on the table next to us, shaking it out before offering it to her. She turned her back to me and I wrapped it around her shoulders. I learned in a little closer than I should have as pulled the front together and ended up with my nose filled with her perfume, something floral and vaguely familiar that had me reeling my emotions back in as soon as it clouded my senses. When Jane turned back around her smile had faded and I feared that I had been caught. However, Jane's mind was elsewhere.  
    “Jared, I know I said I couldn't do this if we kept bring up the past but I feel like there's still too much left unsaid,” she apologized. “I think maybe if we just laid it all out on the table, we could move past it. Get rid of the poison and start fresh.”  
    “A little judicial bloodletting?” I mused.  
    Jane nodded. “Look, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. You don't owe me anything at this point. But, there are things I've wondered about...”  
    “I know. Me too," I confessed. "Just ask, Jane. But I'd like to ask you some things too.”  
    “Of course. That seems fair. Do you want to go first?”  
    I thought about it for a minute. The ability to ease us in, to control the descent before things got too ugly was tempting, but I'd had enough of all of this. I wanted to rip the band-aid off. I was ready to move forward. “Yes. I'd like to start it off it that's okay." When Jane nodded her agreement I dove right in. “Do you ever wish you'd picked me the first time?”

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

 “Do you ever wish  you’d picked me the first time?”  
   Jane drew in a sharp breath and her eyes fluttered. She clearly hadn’t been expecting me to be so blunt. “That’s kind of a loaded question, Jared. I mean, if I take it literally… if I EVER wished… well then, yes, I have. But really, it’s not that straightforward.”  
 “Seems like a simple question to me.”  
   “But it’s not. I was happy with Shannon right up until I wasn’t. I didn’t regret anything until then. I thought I’d chosen correctly. And I’m not convinced choosing you all those years ago would have saved me any heartache. Tell me I was more than just another pretty face to you before all that.”  
   “Jane…”

  
   “You said it yourself, Jared. We can’t know what difference our choices have made, not really. There were lessons I needed to learn. Maybe I would have learned them with you, who knows. It happened the way it happened. There’s no undoing it.”  
   There was a lot of truth in what she was saying. I wondered if she knew how much. It had taken seeing her fall for Shannon for me to realize how much I wanted her for myself. If she had fallen easily into my arms in the beginning, would I have appreciated her? Would I have pissed away my chance with her the way Shannon had? “Do you think, if Shannon hadn’t come over that day, or if you hadn’t misinterpreted why Roger and I left the room, that you would have chosen me?”  
   Jane sighed. “I don’t know why it matters to you, after what I just said. But yes, I think I would have. I don’t know if that would have been any better of a decision though.”  
   I nodded. She was right again, but for whatever reason, I needed to know that the race had been close. That it had turned on little more than circumstance.”Your turn,” I pointed out.  
   Jane took another drink from her bottle, finishing off its contents and got up and tossed it into the recycle bin before continuing. She remained standing, keeping her distance from me before asking her question. “Were you just playing me at the hotel that night? Did you see your chance to get into my pants and jump on it? Were you just using the ‘sad girl’ like Shannon said? Do you even do that?”  
   “No. To all of it. I don’t even know why he said that I swear, Jane. He was just pissed. I only agreed because you were clear you wanted it too. I thought I might never get another chance. I didn’t mean for it to turn out the way it did.”  

  I watched her face as she took in the information, and relaxed considerably when she sat down next to me again. “You know, I was completely sure that’s the way it was at first. That it had been me initiating things, and if anything it was maybe me taking a little advantage of you. But then I thought you blew me off when I got real again…”  
   “I’m sorry about that. I have to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t you that said those things. I really internalized them. It was kind of ugly for a while.”  
   “I’m sorry. I know I didn’t do it but I feel bad that we didn’t communicate enough to unravel something that wouldn’t have held up at all if we’d just been talking.”  
   “Which is why I’m trying to talk to you now,” I pointed out. Jane reached over and clutched my hand and I squeezed her tightly in return. “My turn again. Do you regret sleeping with me that night?”  
   Jane relaxed and smiled. “That one’s easy. No. Even after how I thought it turned out, I stand by that decision. At least at that moment, it was the right thing.”  
   “Your turn again.”  
   Jane’s face immediately went dark again and I knew the next question was going to be ugly. She seemed to struggle with herself for a moment and I squeezed her hand again, hoping to convey to her that it was okay to ask whatever she wanted. This was difficult but I was  increasingly convinced it was necessary. Finally, she turned her eyes straight ahead. “How many of them were there?”  
   “What?” I asked, momentarily confused, before I realized she was asking about Shannon and his.. indiscretions. “Jane, why do you want to know that.”  
  “I need to. I Just do. When did it start?”  
   I guess we all had things we needed the answers to, and there was going to be no sparing her feelings. “Probably about a dozen of them. I’m not sure exactly. But it started  at the loadout before St. Louis.” Jane took that in, nodding her head.  “I tried to stop him, Jane. I tried to talk some sense into him…”  
   “So it was before I hit my head and left the tour. I always that maybe if Angus hadn’t shown up and all that had happened that maybe things would have been different. But I guess they were already broken.”  
   “I’m sorry.”  
   She shrugged. “It wasn’t your fault. And l get you not telling me. And now that I know it wasn’t because I left I know it’s not my fault either.”  
   “Jane, it still wouldn’t have been your fault. No one is to blame for Shannon’s behavior but Shannon, even if he doesn’t see that.” I waited for her to process everything before I continued. “My turn again, if you’re ready.”  
  Jane got up and excused herself, and I was left sitting on the bench, the rough trade blanket she had been wrapped up in on my lap now, wondering if she was coming back either. Maybe this truthfulness was too much. Maybe all of this was too much. Maybe I was kidding myself that there could ever be anything between us now. But then she reappeared, a fresh drink in her hand, and my heart swung back to hopefulness as she took the seat next to me again.   
   “Okay. Shoot,” she said as she took the blanket back.   
   I searched her face for any signs she was ready to bolt but she seemed determined to stick this out so I forged on, the final big question that I had for her. “Why did you stop dating?”  
   “It’s not your fault,” she said quickly.  
   “That’s not what I asked.”  
  Again Jane was quiet, seeming to write her answer out in her head. “I’ve already explained most of this to Shannon, but I don’t know if we’ve ever had this conversation or if Shannon ever shared things with you. It’s complicated, but I was this really awkward kid, all knees and elbows, and freckles, and braces and bushy hair. I developed late, and it was a small town where everyone had known me since I was that awkward kid and the guys just weren’t interested even after I lost some of that dorkiness. I never had a single date, I’d only ever had one kiss until I got to college. I didn’t learn lessons about dating and relationships when I should have learned them. I had a skewed self-image. I chose boyfriends poorly. Shannon was my first experience with truly being loved and wanted in that way.”  
   I found it hard to believe that no one had tried to capture the magic that was Jane before Shannon and I had shown up on the scene but I had no reason to think she wasn’t being honest. It did make her reactions at that party make a little more sense. “No wonder you got upset when we called you sweet and innocent.”  
  “I was trying so hard not to be, you know?” she asked with a wry smile. “And after we moved to New York, when Roger started doing the high fashion and runway stuff, and we started running with a different crowd… I made friends with some of those girls. Those models, some of them are conventionally beautiful and have been all their lives, but a lot of them have unique appearances. They’re tall and gangly and have the kind of looks you have to grow into. So they got me. They kind of took me under their wing and taught me how to do my makeup and hair and dress better. They didn’t just give me a makeover though. They taught me how to be beautiful and how to leverage that to get what I wanted. It was powerful.”  
   Her gaze fell to her hands, and she shook her head softly. “You probably don’t understand, you’ve always been good-looking, you and Roger are alike there, but it’s different when you come into later. I did a lot of stupid things. I loved being wanted, being chased. But then my father got sick, and I was vulnerable and fell for someone who was just as vulnerable as I was. Then he was gone and I was hurting and reaching for anything and when someone wanted me again, as damaged as I thought I was, I lept on it. Then there was Shannon, and he wanted me back, and I couldn’t distinguish between what I wanted and what the men that were interested in me wanted because I never properly learned to, and I went back to Shannon. And then I was hurt, and you wanted me, and …” she took a shaking breath before looking at me plaintively. “I was a mess.”  
   “That doesn’t tell me why you won’t date now. So you made mistakes. We all do.”  
  “I know it seems that way. I took some time to straighten myself out first. I needed to focus on me. But I got used to being alone, at least in that sense. It gave me so much freedom. No more pinging from boyfriend to boyfriend like some mad game of pinball. I’m true to myself when I’m alone. I don’t know how to be with someone and not lose myself. I never learned. I don’t trust myself to try.”  
  I squeezed her hand again as I saw her eyes grow damp. “You have to trust yourself, Jane. You can’t be afraid of your mistakes. You can’t be afraid to put yourself out there.”  
   Jane laughed. “That’s rich, coming from you. You’re more avoidant with your emotions than I am. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how guarded you are.”  
   “I don’t think I can put myself out there much more than I have tonight, Jane. I’m trying,” I said, the words out of my mouth before I could stop them or realize how much they revealed.   
   “I want to try too,” she whispered. “But my last mistake cost me so much.”  
  The blanket had slipped as she talked, and my eyes fixated on a strip of skin, a bare bit of shoulder revealed between her dress and the blanket’s edge, and before I could pull myself back my fingers were on it, tracing over the smooth ivory flesh as Jane’s breath caught. The firelight and the soft background music made everything feel like a movie scene, staged and surreal, slightly out of sync with the rest of the world. I didn’t dare to hope that she meant what I wanted her to, and I remembered my promise to Roger, to let her call the shots, so took in one shaking breath and pulled my hand back. My eyes met hers searching for some insight into what she was thinking but she only looked scared and vulnerable, and I regretted pushing her into this at all. It had been selfish of me. I should have left it all alone. I was ready to leave. And then she kissed me.  
   Her hand slid up the side of my face first, catching on the stubble on my chin as she cupped my cheek and turned my face to hers. Her soft lips barely brushed mine, retreating quickly before pressing in again, and then her hand and eyes fell away.   
   “I’m sorry,” she sighed. “It’s not right of me to lead you on when I’m so unsure…”

  
   It was my turn to reach for her, pushing her hair aside to grasp the side of her head, tilting her face to mine. “I’ll take my chances,” I told her before returning our lips to their embrace. She gasped when our mouths met again and I took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, exploring her with my tongue, hearing her whimper and feeling her relax into my touch. She slid closer as we continued to kiss, and my hand fell back to that shoulder, my thumb tracing its graceful curve. She was art, and I drew the lines of her in my head as I held her. I knew this couldn’t go far though, not now. She was too conflicted and I wasn’t thinking clearly. Reluctantly I pulled away.   
   “I’m sorry…” she began again.  
   I shook my head. “No. Don’t be. You’ve made it clear where I stand and what’s going on in your head. It’s my decision to take a chance. But I think that maybe it would best if we stopped here for the evening and made sure this is what we both want.”  
 Jane’s hand went to my cheek again and I had to fight to maintain my resolve. “I really don’t mean to lead you on, Jared. Like I said, I don’t have a lot of experience in deciding what I want. I’m trying to be honest here.”  
    My hand brushed her shoulder again and this time I couldn’t resist pressing my lips against it, feeling both the incredible softness of her skin and the firmness that told she was real and again I had to fight temptation. “I know, Jane. That’s all I can ask from you. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re unsure at all. I think you’re just afraid of what you want. But I should go before this gets out of hand.”  
  Jane walked me to my car and I pressed her against the side of it for one last taste of her. This was probably a bad idea but I didn’t care. I had wanted her for so long it didn’t matter to me what it was probably going to cost me. I was high all the way home.


	9. Chapter 9

  
Normally I would have let things sit for a few days but I since was acutely aware of how little time remained before Jane left again I called her the next evening to see if we could spend some time together on Sunday. We made arrangements for me to pick her up and take her to brunch, but she called early that morning to let me know she was behind with her preparations for her trip and wouldn't be able to make it. We rescheduled for later that day but I was convinced she had gotten cold feet and so I moped around all afternoon, expecting her to call back and cancel again. When my phone rang twenty minutes before I was due to leave to pick her up I thought my suspicions had been confirmed, and I wasn't able to completely hide the irritation in my voice when I answered.

  
“I'm sorry, did I catch you in the middle of something?” Jane asked uncertainly.

  
“Well I was just getting ready to come get you but I'm guessing that's off the table again?”

  
Jane made a sort of growling noise on her end of the line. “I was just calling to suggest that you come over here instead of us going out. We need to talk and I'd rather not do it in public.”

  
“I'm sorry. I guess I just assumed...”

  
“You know, I warned you about this right up front. I'm very busy, Jared, and if my unpredictable schedule is too much for you right now...”

  
“It's fine,” I cut her off quickly before she could try to find a way to back out of this altogether. “I was just disappointed that I might not get to see you again before you left for your tour. Cutting this off before it gets started is the last thing I want to do.”

  
“Would you like me to make dinner? We can order out if you'd rather but with you resuming your tour again next week I figured it was one of our last chances for a meal that didn't come from a take-out container for a while.”

“You don't have to go to any trouble, Jane. I'm happy to just spend an evening with you.”

“it's no trouble, really. I love to cook, and I don't get to do it nearly as much I want.”

  
“Well, it sounds like you're already set on cooking for us. It sounds great. I'll see you in about a half an hour?”

  
“Sounds perfect.”

  
I hung the phone up with a frown. How many times had I been frustrated with the woman I was dating who had complained about my own hectic, unpredictable schedule? How many brunch and dinner dates had I missed over the years? Jane and I had been on one date, why was I acting like she was already mine?

  
I was reproaching myself enough for my irrationally clingy behavior so I tried not to focus on the generally panic-inducing “We need to talk.” statement from earlier in the conversation. After all, she wanted to make me dinner, that was a good sign, right? _Jesus, Jared, get out of your head. You're as bad as Shannon._ I finished getting ready and headed over to Jane's.

  
  
Jane answered her door with a warm smile for me. She wore another simple dress, pastel greens and pinks in clean lines, and her now strawberry hair hung loosely down her back. She had a kitchen towel over one shoulder and she was barefoot. She looked incredibly comfortable and happy to see me and I relaxed immediately. “Hey, come on in. I just need to get things put in the oven and then we can have that chat. Would you like me to get you something to drink?”

  
“Maybe just some water?” I asked as I followed her into the house. She ushered me into what I assume was the living room and excused herself. While I waited for her to return I looked through the contents of her shelves. They were filled with small art pieces from her travels, mostly African nations as far as I could tell, although most of the globe seemed to be represented. I carefully picked up a few of the pieces, resolving to ask her about them and their stories when there was more time for conversation.

  
“Hey,” Jane said, tapping me on the shoulder and startling me. As she handed me the bottle of water she had retrieved she noted the piece in my hand, a steel cutout sculpture of two figures in cultural dress, and smiled. “I picked that up in Nigeria two years ago,” she said. “It's one of my favorites.”

  
“You'll have to tell me more about it,” I said as I carefully placed it back on the shelf.

  
“Once I finish in the kitchen. I'll be right back.”

  
She disappeared again and I returned my attention to the room's contents. In addition to the varied small pieces, there were two large tapestries on the walls and collection of pictures of Jane with various scenes behind her. A lot of them were her in cold weather gear with mountains in the background. I was amazed as I looked them over. She had come so far from that wistful girl in the diner, the one who hid her notebooks from me and talked of a world she'd never seen. I realized I didn't know her very well at all anymore. Then again, how well do you ever know someone you've just started seeing? There was still plenty of time for us to get to know each other and write our own adventure.

“All right, what are you smiling about?”

  
Jane had returned to the room, sipping something from a rocks glass, towel no longer slung over her shoulder. At some point, she had put on a pair of flats with skulls and little pink roses on them. I felt my smile grow larger. “Great shoes,” I said. “Still Jane the horror fan at the end of the day I see.”

  
Jane smiled and pivoted her feet, showing them off. “They're some of my favorite shoes. But you didn't answer my question.”

  
“I was just enjoying looking at all the spoils of your travels,” I lied. “I should set something up like this but I'm not really that organized.”

  
Jane gestured toward a little settee near the window and we both took a seat. “I'm sorry about this morning. My assistant quit with no notice on Friday and I was meeting someone the publisher recommended in hopes of finding a new assistant before the tour started.”

  
Jane had an assistant? Well, that was a perfectly good reason to cancel at the last minute. “Shit, that sucks. So did you find someone?”

  
“I think so, yeah. She seemed very competent, she had great references, she's worked for an author before and even better, she's completely free and can join me on the tour on Thursday so I'll only be alone for two days.”

  
“That's amazing. I'm glad you'll have someone.” I remember Roger's concerns about Jane being alone on tour. Hopefully having an assistant there would help. “How long had you had the last one?”

  
“Two years.”

  
“And she just quit on you?”

  
“She found out she was pregnant and didn't want to spend her first trimester throwing up in strange bathrooms I guess. It's fine. Sometimes things happen.”

  
“I guess.”

  
“So...” Jane pulled out a coaster and sat her drink on the end table next to her, an ornately carved affair that was probably another trophy from her travels. “I guess there are some things that we should probably get straight right up front. That way if this isn't what you want or if this isn't going to work we can stop now and stay friends.”

“What did you have in mind.”

  
Jane narrowed her eyes and looked me up and down and I got the distinct impression she was trying to gauge what she thought my reaction would be. “So, we can see each other, we can be dating, but that's as far as I'm willing to go at this point.”

  
“I'm not sure what you mean by that, Jane.”

  
“I'm not your girlfriend. You're not my boyfriend. I want to keep this casual.”

  
I was confused. “Wait. You haven't been seeing anyone at all for four years, I show up, and suddenly you want to date around?”

  
“No,” Jane said with a shake of her head. “I want you to.”

  
“Shouldn't that be up to me.”

  
“It is, of course, it is. But...” She reached over and took my hand, her soft fingers pressed tightly against my palm. “it isn't about me wanting to see other people. I'm trying to take some baby steps here. You need.. a lot of … attention,” she stuttered, choosing her words carefully. “I can't be solely responsible for that or for your happiness. I'm not ready for that. We're going to be apart too much for that. If you don't want to see anyone you don't have to but I want you to feel free to if you're lonely or need... companionship.”

  
“You think I'm incapable of being faithful,” I inferred.

  
“That's not it...”

  
“I'm not Shannon,” I said bitterly.

  
“I know that.” Jane's voice was tight and clipped and I immediately regretted what I had said. “It's exactly like I'm telling you. I need some time to learn to do this again, without any pressure. If you don't want to see anyone else then don't. But please don't tell me about it. I don't know if I'll feel jealous if you're with someone else but I'm pretty sure I'll feel guilty if you're lonely because of me. And if you change your mind,...” Yeah, I could see how that scenario went, me proclaiming my fidelity and then suddenly not. “I just want us to agree to keep things casual for now. That's all. We can always change our minds later.”

  
I wanted to agree. It seemed so easy. I got to have Jane and a free pass to have all the extracurricular fun I wanted too. But I realized I wouldn't really have Jane. Just because I was confident she wouldn't be dating anyone now didn't mean that situation couldn't change too. I hated to think I was simply easing her back into the dating arena just so she could stroll off into the sunset with someone else, but what else could I do at this point? She was being honest. She was setting boundaries. The least I could do was respect them.

  
“I don't really see as how I have much choice. We'll keep it casual if you want. But you'll let me know if that want changes, okay?”

  
Jane brightened and placed her palm against one of my cheeks before kissing the other one. “I promise.”

  
I didn't let her pull back, quickly closing my arms behind her and drawing her in for a real kiss. She didn't resist, snuggling into my arms with a contented sigh, her own arms winding across my shoulders and crossing behind my head. We stayed like that until the kitchen timer went off and Jane slipped out of arms reach before returning to the kitchen.

  
I took a minute to calm down and adjust myself before following her, the rich scents of spices reaching my nose long before I caught up with her. “Something smells amazing,” I noted as I watched her plating food.

  
“I hope you like it. I know you're vegetarian too but I realized I have no idea how you feel about spices so I tried not to make it too overwhelming.” I peered over her shoulder and saw her mounding brightly colored lentils and peas on a plate. “It's ...”

  
My brain suddenly made sense of the garlic, ginger and North African spices tickling my nose. “... misir wot!” I exclaimed.

  
Jane grinned broadly. “You know it?”

“I love it!”

  
She pointed to the other two mounds on the plate. “That's gomen wat and ater kik,” she explained as she finished plating up the Ethiopian dishes she had prepared. “I've got bread in the oven. Could you take the plates to the table, please? The dining room is right through there.”

  
The table was already set with flowers and lit candles and I placed the plates at the waiting settings and waited for Jane to join me. The food was perfect, and as we at we traded stories about both of our adventures in North Africa, the awkwardness of the previous conversation fell away. Jane was as bright and curious as always, and her natural storytelling gifts shone as she related tales of her travels to me.

  
I helped her clean up once the meal had ended and we returned to the room where we'd had our previous conversation. Jane pushed a button on the wall and the larger of the two tapestries slid back, revealing a large television screen. “I thought a movie would be a nice way to wrap things up,” she suggested.

  
I let Jane choose something, not really caring what was playing as long as I got to hold her. We snuggled together on that settee again, Jane's back to my chest, her hair falling across my arm as I wrapped it around her. I couldn't resist running my fingers through that hair as the movie played in the background, twisting strands of it and smoothing it away from her face, tucking some behind her ear or stretching one errant curl that escaped her straightening iron. Jane seemed to enjoy the attention, sighing contentedly and snuggling deeper into my lap.

  
Once the movie ended Jane stood up and stretched her arms over her head. “Would you like to take a walk?”

  
“Nuh-uh,” I said, reaching for her waist and pulling her back into my lap. I smoothed the hair from her face one more time as I tilted it towards me. She felt the same way in my arms now as she had that night at the hotel, an odd bit of good fortune I couldn't quite accept as real. I wondered if she would ever truly feel like she was mine. Maybe she wasn't supposed to. Maybe that was the magical thing that kept relationships going for sixty years – that complete and utter awe that the other person is still there every morning, that out of all the people in the world, they choose to share their stories and their breakfasts with you, they choose to learn with you, explore with you, grow with you. That they choose you at all. Or maybe that's not it. Maybe this something else. Either way, it was nothing that I had felt before and the newness of it was thrilling.

  
I turned Jane around, lying her against the small sofa and pinning her underneath me. There wasn't much room, and we shifted positions until we fell on the floor in a tangled mess. Jane roared with laughter, immediately sliding her arms around my neck and pulling me against her again. I was lost there in her arms, kisses sizzling between us like loose electrical wire, when I heard a commotion and a door slam.

  
Jane groaned against my neck. “Roger must be home from his date. Don't make too much noise Maybe he'll just go straight to his room.”

  
Dutifully I held Jane in silence, listening to the noise coming from the kitchen. I heard Roger's voice and waited for what I assumed would be Gretchen's but the next sound was another male voice. Confused, I looked to Jane but her forehead was creased as she was frowning in confusion herself.

  
“Wait here,” she said as she slipped out from underneath me.

  
I listened to Roger and his companion giggling in the kitchen as glasses clinked and a refrigerator was opened and closed. The laughter stopped abruptly and I knew Jane had joined them.

  
“Hi, Jane. Where's your new emo boy-toy?” Roger slurred. “I know that's his truck in the drive.”

  
“Don't worry about where Jared is. What the hell is this?”

  
There were some murmurs and then footsteps and then a door closed. I could only assume that Roger's friend had been shuttled off to go somewhere else so that Jane and Roger could talk. “What the hell does it look like, Jane?”

  
“It looks like you're back to slutting it up, that's what it looks like.”

  
“Well, look who's gotten all self-righteous all of a sudden. All that celibacy is going to your head, Sister Jane.” Roger sounded extremely drunk, drunker than I think I had ever encountered him being.

  
“What about Gretchen?” Jane hissed back at him.

  
“What about her?” Roger asked. Unlike Jane's stage whisper Roger's voice rung out loudly with a lack of discretion that only belongs to the thoroughly intoxicated. “We had one date. What's the big deal?”

  
“You know exactly what the big deal is. And how fucking drunk are you?”

“Oh my god you need to get laid! Have you always been this much of a drag or am I just now noticing?”

  
There was a long pause and I gritted my teeth and tried to resist the urge to go in there and defend Jane. I knew it was none of my business and I had no idea what was really going on, but I hated hearing Roger talk that way to Jane.

  
“Roger, I don't know what the fuck has gotten into you lately but you're being a complete asshole here. You're the one that told me it's only cool if everyone is on the same page. Are they, Roger? Does Gretchen know you're out picking up random guys? Does this guy know you're supposed to be seeing someone?”

  
“I don't have to explain anything to you. We both know Jared is somewhere in this house. That's super classy, by the way. Running around with your ex's whore of a younger brother.”

  
I felt the steam pouring out of my ears as I stood up and headed back into the kitchen. Before I could get there, however, I heard another door slam and when I found Jane she was alone, standing at the kitchen island, gripping it so tightly her knuckles were white. Her eyes grew wide when she saw me.

  
“I'm sorry, Jared. You didn't deserve that.”

“You're damn right I didn't. What the hell is up with that?”

  
Jane shook head and picked up the glasses Roger had presumably gotten out before their little tiff. “It's a long story...”

  
“I have time.”

  
She looked at the glasses in her hands, then back at me. “I'm sorry, Jared. It's late. Could we maybe call it a night?”

  
I took the glasses from her and reached for her waist, pulling her gently against me. “If that's what you want.”

  
Jane nodded and gave me a perfunctory kiss. “I'm sorry. I know it's not fair. I have a little free time tomorrow evening. Could we maybe try this again?”

  
Whatever genial mood Jane had been in had dissolved, and pressing the issue at this point wouldn't have changed that. She was probably right. Better to try again tomorrow. “I'll call you in the morning?”

  
She nodded and walked me back out to my truck.

  
  
The house was completely dark when I got home, and I was lost in thought as I turned the evening's events over and over in my head. I was a little discouraged by Jane's reluctance to dive headlong into a relationship but I had to admit it was sensible. I was encouraged by the rest of the evening, however, even if had come to an awkward and abrupt end, but the night still had one more gift to give me. I was completely caught by surprise when I turned on my bedroom light to find Shannon sitting in the middle of my bed, and I jumped involuntarily.

“Fucking hell, Shannon. You scared the shit out of me.”

  
Shannon sat the drink he had been holding down on the nightstand and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. “You've been with Jane,” he said flatly. “Don't bother denying it, I can smell her all over you.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

  
  
Shannon sat the drink he had been holding down on the nightstand and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. "You've been with Jane," he said flatly. "Don't bother denying it, I can smell her all over you."

  
“I wasn't going to deny it,” I told him as I turned the light on.

  
Shannon gave a few hard blinks as his eyes adjusted. His face was puffy and his clothes were wrinkled and I got the distinct impression he had come straight from wherever he had been the last few days and sat down in here to wait for me. “So are you two together now?”

I remembered the speech Jane had given me about not being my girlfriend. “We've had a few dates.”

Shannon took in this information with a few rhythmic taps of his thumb against his thigh. He was being oddly calm, especially given our previous interactions, and I wasn't really sure what to make of it. I decided it was best to remain there by the doorway and let him continue to lead this conversation. 

“How is she?” he finally asked.

“She's good. Busy. Writing books and climbing mountains and teaching schoolchildren in Tanzania. But good.”

“Wow. Seriously?”

“Mm-hmm” I nodded. 

Shannon was quiet again, his gaze on the carpet, and I got the impression he was wrestling with another question. “Does she hate me?” he finally asked.

“Well, you're not exactly in the top five of people she'd want to have dinner with,” I told him. “But I don't think she actually hates you. I don't really know though. She doesn't really talk about it.”

Shannon nodded. His lips were pressed tightly together and he kept nervously drumming that thumb. “How about you?”

“Me? Do I hate you? You know I could never hate you." I affirmed. "I don't know how you could even think that. No matter what dumbass things you do I love you, Shannon. You're my big brother. I'll always love you.”

Shannon nodded again and let out a shaky breath. “It was a really shitty thing I did.”

Satisfied that the chances of another bottle shattering tantrum were low, I went and sat down next to him on the bed. “That was four years ago. Kind of hard to stay pissed about it now.”

Without warning, Shannon turned and threw his arms around me. I wasn't sure which of us he was trying to reassure but I turned to him and hugged him back tightly. When he released me his eyes were damp and he swiped at them with his palm. 

“I fucked everything up so bad.”

It was an obvious statement that really didn't warrant commentary. Instead, I looked him over more carefully. He seemed very tired and somewhat drunk but I'd certainly seen worse from him over the years. I'd never seen him like this after a breakup, but nothing about his involvement with Jane was usual for him. “Are you all right?”

“No.. maybe... no,” he said with a shrug. 

“We have rehearsal Tuesday and a flight to the UK on Thursday. Are we going to have a problem?”

“I'll be there.”

Heavy silence passed between us. I waited for him to say something else, he certainly seemed to be turning something over in his head, but there was no follow-up question. I'd learned long ago he was better at long silence than I was and as usual, it was me who broke this one. “Why did you do it, Shannon?”

He laughed ruefully. “Which thing?” 

“Any of it. All of it. It's not the first thing you've ever done I couldn't get my head around, it's not the stupidest, but I just don't get it." After everything had fallen apart, after the initial shouting an anger, we had simply let things fall away without ever talking about what had happened. We'd be on tour, we had an album to write, there wasn't time to fight over a girl. That's probably why everything blew up like embers on gunpowder the first time we all got together again. There had been no closure at all, we'd all just walked away and pretended like it didn't happen. It was no wonder we were asking questions now. "You fought so hard for Jane, why did you throw it all away that fast? And then why did you turn on me?”

“The beginning... that's between me and Jane. Not that she is ever going to let me near enough to speak to her again.”

“After that stunt, you pulled at the party, probably not,” I conceded. “What the fuck was that?”

Shannon reached for his glass, taking a big swig before setting it down again. “I guess I'm just having trouble accepting that it's you she wanted all along.”

“That's not even remotely fucking true. Tell me you're not that thick.”

“You're the one who's being thick. I remember the way she used to look at you. She barely even noticed me the night we met. If she hadn't screwed things up she would have been with you back then, and the first chance she had to change that she jumped on it as fast as she fucking could. I was just a good time, a little walk on the wild side. Now she's all grown up and respectable and she sure as shit doesn't have time for the likes of me. It is what it is. I always knew it would come to this anyway. It's not your fault.”

“Yeah, you're fucking thick all right.” I thought about maybe letting the subject drop. The tide had finally turned in my favor. Shannon seemed resigned to his fate. But his version of things was a lie and there had been enough dishonesty between us. “She wanted you, back at the beginning. She never once asked me to forgive her, or give her a second chance, nothing... it was about you. She flat out said that you weren't a backup plan. That it was you she wanted. That she chose you and she'd do it again and again. Once she really saw you, I might as well have been invisible.”

Shannon took this in. “Why didn't you ever tell me that? All you ever said was that she was sorry, and that you believed her, and that she wanted to see me.”

It didn't hold a candle to what Shannon had done but I realized I had been sitting on my own lie for a long time too. “I'm sorry. It was hard to stomach. You know what a sore loser I can be.”

Shannon chuckled. “Yeah, that's a fucking understatement.”

“I guess I never thought things would snowball the way they did. How the hell could I have known it was all going to turn out like this?”

“She told me that too. When I went to see her. I guess after everything I just assumed it was more talk.”

“It wasn't, Shannon.”

“It's not like it matters now.”

I waited for him to say something else or to get up and go back to his room but stayed put, tapping that thumb against his thigh again. 

“We let her come between us, Jared.”

“Only a little bit. Not for long. I knew we would work it out.”

“Have we?”

I didn't like where this was going. I knew he was sitting on something else he wanted to say, something he was having difficulty bringing up. “Don't...” I whispered.

“Don't what?”

I looked over at Shannon. His lips were tight again and his bloodshot eyes barely blinked. He had been there all my life, right by my side, and although he had spent his first 22 months without me, there was no point in his memory where we hadn't been together. We knew each other in a way that no one else ever would. We had entire conversations in silence. He didn't need to me ask him what I was about to ask because he didn't know what I was going to say. He wanted to see if I had the guts to do it. “Please let me have this.”

“Why the hell does it have to be her, Jared?”

“I let you have your chance. I let her pick you. I followed all the rules...”

“Right up until you fucked her.”

“I warned you if you fucked things up with her as far as I was concerned the original agreement was still on.”

“How does taking her back to your room, getting her drunk and seducing her follow the rules?”

Shannon's voice was rising and that drumbeat he had been hamming out had increased to a frenetic pace. I had tried to spare him the details of the night Jane and I spent together, we hadn't been talking then anyway, but maybe that was the wrong choice. He didn't know what happened then, he didn't see how I was letting her take the lead now. “It didn't happen that way. I offered to take her back to her room. I offered to call Roger. Tomo offered to stay with her. I didn't swoop in like she was some damn injured bird. And ultimately she's the one that made the pass at me.”

“Bullshit.”

“Look, I know you don't want to hear this but Jane has always been interested in me. You may have come along and distracted her but she's the one that initiated the sex that night, and she's the one that kissed me after dinner, and she's the one calling the shots right now. No one is taking advantage of her. No one is tricking her into doing anything. If she's with me its because she wants to be with me. I'm sorry that you don't like that, and I'm sorry this hurts you but you're still hurt, whether or not I'm with her. So please don't ask me to stay away from her. You have the power to take this away from me, you know you do. I'm asking you not to.”

Shannon let his face come to rest in his big palms, his fingertips flexing against his temples. I waited. He picked up his drink, stood up and walked out without another word. It wasn't exactly the reconciliation I wanted but it had gone better than I thought. Certainly better than any conversation we'd had since this started. 

I was exhausted but too spun up to sleep and so I stripped down and climbed into the shower, hot water encouraging some of the knots in my muscles to undo themselves. I tried to think about the week I had coming up, rehearsals and interviews, getting back into the tour. After I toweled off and put on some pajamas I walked back into my bedroom to find Shannon once again sitting in the middle of my bed, showered and changed into pajamas himself, a fresh drink in his hand.

“I'm sorry. I thought we were done,” I said as I ran a comb through my hair. 

“Tell her I'm sorry,” he said as he scooted over to the side. I realized he was waiting for me to join him and so I did, propping myself up against the headboard while we sat right next to each other but stared straight ahead. “I know she doesn't want to hear from me, and she probably doesn't care, but tell her anyway. For real.”

“I will,” I promised. I wasn't sure how I was going to bring the subject up but it didn't seem to be such a big thing to ask.

“Don't bring her around,” he continued. “I'm trying but I don't think I can look at her with you.”

I figured that was probably as close to his blessing as I was going to get. “Okay.”

“So help me god, if you hurt her, Jared....”

“Like you did?” The response was out of my mouth before my brain had a chance to censor it.

Shannon gripped his glass tightly before polishing off its contents. He then reached over and turned off the light and laid down on the bed next to me as if he were going to sleep. He did that sometimes, sleeping next to me. Usually, it was after a bad bender or a nasty heartbreak, and he would often wait until I was already asleep to crawl into bed with me. He had done it since we were little kids, although back then it was for different reasons, and he usually claimed he was there to comfort me. It had been ages since the last time he had done it. I found it as reassuring as I did when I was six. I hoped he did too. I pulled back the blankets and climbed under them next to him. 

“It's still the same rules. The game is still on. Just so you know. Just so you don't think I've given up," he said quietly from the darkness.

I didn't think it mattered. I thought he'd burned every bridge with Jane it was possible to burn. I was willing to let him have whatever little spark of hope that got him through. Eventually, he would see us together. Then he would understand it was over. It wasn't necessary to be cruel now. He was struggling enough. At least that's what I thought. 

“Fine. Game on.”

I am such a dumbass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


 

 


	11. Chapter 11

## Jane’s POV:

 

   When I stumbled into the kitchen Monday morning Roger was already there, sitting at the island, head in his hands. The rich scent that filled the room told me that the coffee was already brewed but I noted that he didn’t have a cup yet so I poured us both some and set out the creamer he liked before taking a seat next to him. He pulled it in front of him with a grunt, and once he had it the way he liked it he downed it probably much more quickly than was advisable for a hot liquid. If it bothered him he made no indication, just pushed his mug forward and set his head down on the counter. With a sigh, I got up and refilled his cup before topping off my own and then reclaimed my seat next to him. It was me that finally broke the silence.

  
   “Well, you certainly made an ass out of yourself last night.”

  
   Roger groaned and nodded as he stared straight into his mug. “Uh-huh.”

  
   “I know you don’t have a hangover. That pounding in your temples is shame, you know,“ I pointed out.

  
   “Uh-huh.”

  
   “Still using casual sex to self-medicate I see. So is your rando hookup still sleeping it off or did he leave?”

  
    Roger made a sound like a grumpy walrus. “Now who sounds like Janet? He’s gone. And he wasn’t a rando hookup. That was Vance. We used to work together when we lived out here before. We went out and had some drinks and fun. I didn’t fuck him.”

  
   “Clearly not, since you actually know his name.”

  
  “You’re a bitch when you’re feeling self-righteous, you know that?”

  
   “Well, it’s no worse than what you said to me last night.”

  
   Roger frowned and looked at me in confusion for a moment, then the memory flooded back on him, changing his expression to understanding and then horror. “Oh Jesus, Jane, I’m so sorry.”

  
  I shrugged. It hadn’t taken any of it to heart. I had known it wasn’t coming from a place of truth, just hurt and anger. Roger had a pretty deep well of that these days. “It’s all right. I’d already forgiven you before you even went to bed. Jared, on the other hand, might still take issues with you calling him a whore.”

  
   “Oh no, I didn’t…” Roger let his head fall back to the countertop with a groan.”I did. Fuck. Tell him I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean it. Not really. My shitty attitude towards Jared seems to be directly tied to my shitty attitude toward myself.”

  
   “You finally noticed that did you?”

   “Can you stop being so smug and right?”

  
   “It’s annoying, isn’t it?” I laughed, enjoying paying back Roger for his same attitude towards me the last week. “So what the hell happened, Roger? You were supposed to be out with Gretchen last night.”

  
   “We had a fight.”

   “You’ve had two dates. What could you two possibly have to fight about?”

  
  “She’s married,” he deadpanned.

  
   “She’s what? That can’t be right.“

  
   “Married. M-a-r-r-i-e-d. Married. She says she and her husband decided to separate a few months ago but she only moved out last week. All this time I’ve been down there flirting and making a fool of myself and she was still…” 

  
   “Well now, wait a minute,” I stopped him. “The marriage sounds like it’s over. It sometimes takes people a bit to transition when everything they have is mingled. Remember when Robin and Max spit up? It took a year before Max moved out and that was after she started dating again. Gretchen has already moved out. It’s not the end of the world.”

  
   “She kept it from me all this time though, Jane. I don’t know how I feel about that. And she’s just now separating from him, just getting out on her own. I’m the test boyfriend, Jane. All I can ever hope for from her is to be her rebound guy.”

  
   “You don’t know that. If it’s right, it’s right. It doesn’t matter how many people she does or doesn’t date between  you and her husband.”

  
   “Fuck, Jane, you are so naive….” Roger growled, getting up and refilling his mug again.

  
  “Oh great, we’re back to insulting me.”

  
   “That’s not what… “ Roger shook his head and rubbed the side of his face. “It’s just that, after everything, you’re still such a romantic at heart. You try to be pragmatic but you still believe in sunsets and happy endings. It doesn’t usually work out like that.”

  
  “Which is why it’s so amazing when it does. You have to fight for it, Roger. Come on.“ I pushed my own coffee mug forward and Roger took the hint, topping me off too before he sat back down.  "If you like Gretchen as much as I think you do, you can’t just walk away. Not unless she asked you to.”

  
   “No. She’s amazing. She gorgeous and funny and so great to talk to. I’m crazy about her. But she hasn’t been honest with me, and that really makes me uncomfortable.”

  
   “Did you listen to her side of the story? Or did you just hear her say “married” and then freak the fuck out?” Roger was silent. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

  
   I heard my phone ringing in the other room. “Shit, that’s probably Jared. I told him to call this morning since our date got spoiled last night.” I listened to it continue to ring. “I’ll just let it go to voicemail for now and call him back. I’m not done with you.”

  
   “I’m sorry about ruining your night. Fuck, I can’t even keep my fuck ups confined to my own love life, now I’m screwing yours up too. Tell Jared I’m sorry,“ Roger apologized.

  
  “You can tell him yourself. I’m going to invite him back over for dinner again tonight.”

  
    Roger’s expression immediately changed from contrition to suspicion. “That’s a lot of dates in a row, isn’t it? You really jumped back on that horse didn’t you?”

  
   I rolled my eyes. “I see we’ve switched back to lecturing me. I’m leaving tomorrow and we’re both super busy. We won’t get much time together after that so I thought we should cram in what we can now. We’re getting to know each other again.”

  
   “I just find it strange that after all this time you’re suddenly so enthusiastic about dating again. You know, now that Jared has come around.” Roger continued to look at me with narrowed eyes.

   
   “I don’t know what you’re implying exactly, but if you think I’ve been hanging around for years waiting for him, you’re wrong. I’ve actually been thinking about getting back out there again for a while now. There’s this guy in my mountaineering group….”

   “Doug!” Roger shouted triumphantly. “I knew it!”

  
   “Yes, Doug,” I confirmed, feeling my cheeks heating. Doug was an Orthodontist, like Mitch, with sparkling blue eyes and a smile that I couldn’t help but return every time I saw him. He was wickedly funny and very well read and we’d have quite a few conversations over stunning high altitude sunrises this last year. “I still might take him up on that dinner offer he’s been making for months. We’ll see how this goes.”

  
  “Jared cool with that? He breaks the ice and then you go out with someone else?”

  
   “I think I was pretty clear with him that I didn’t want to be exclusive, but if it actually comes to that I’ll make sure to reiterate that fact.”  In the next room, my phone started ringing again. “Shit, I really should get that.”

  
   I grabbed my phone off the charger, expecting to see Jared’s name displayed but instead it was Jeannie, my publicist. “It’s just Jeannie!” I called back to the kitchen. “Give me a minute!”

  I had barely managed to squeak out a hello when Jeannie burst in. “Are you dating Jared Leto?”

  
   “What?” I asked in confusion.

  
   “I have pictures in front of me, you and Roger on what looks like a double date. You’re sitting next to Jared and you two look like you’re together.”

  
   Fuck. I knew I had seen paparazzi that night. “It was one dinner. We’re old friends,” I explained.

  
   “Old friends. Suuure.” 

  
    I groaned. “No, seriously we are. I’ve known him since I was at USC like a decade ago. Not too long after he did that television show. Before the band thing even.“ I left out the part about dating his brother.

  
  “You’re not holding out on me, are you? Because I could translate that into some new market interest. Hell, I could use the old friends reunited angle too… two L.A. dreamers, look how far they’ve come…”

  
   “No, Jeannie. Please don’t,“ I cut her off. My agent had set me up with her two years ago when the final book for my first series had exploded and I had gone from being a barely known mystery writer to someone with a rather enthusiastic following. I had needed someone to help me navigate the shark-infested waters of publicity and promotion that that came with. Jeannie was smart and enthusiastic and very good at her job, but she was usually much more aggressive than I would have liked. 

  
  “Fine, kiddo, you call the shots. But if you’re going to be with him people are going to be taking pictures. You two are gorgeous together. You might as well use it to your advantage. You would probably be good for his image too, you know. All I’m saying is you should at least run it past him.”

  
   Knowing that Jared was about as in love with publicity as I was I somehow doubted that he would be any more interested in selling that particular narrative. “We’re just reconnecting. As friends,“ I lied. The truth was complicated and I had no intention of explaining it to her. "He’s on tour and so am I so I doubt there’s going to be a bunch of photo ops coming your way even if you wanted them to.”

  
   I could hear the disappointment in Jeannie’s voice as she bid me goodbye and good luck with the tour. I was making my way back into the kitchen to explain things to Roger when my phone rang again. This time at least it was the call I had been wanting and expecting. “Hey, Jared.”

  
  “Good morning, beautiful,” he purred and my insides turned to jello. “Did you sleep well?”

  
   “Not enough. I got up early to make sure everything is done so you get my undivided attention tonight and I ended up playing armchair psychiatrist for Roger.”

  
  I didn’t fail to note the grumble of discontent from Jared’s end of the line. “How did that go?”

  
   “Not bad. He said to tell you he’s sorry.” I decided to leave the subject of Jeannie’s call alone for the time being. “I told him he could tell you himself when you came over later.”

  
   “Don’t you want to go out? I’m happy to take you anywhere you’d like for your last night in town.”

  
   “No. I’ll explain why when you come over. Dinner again?”

  
   “Okay, but I’ll pick something up this time.”

   “That’s good because I’m too busy to cook again tonight anyway. How’s 6? Too early?”

   “I’d come over right now if I thought you’d let me.”

  
   I laughed. “Sorry, I still have some things to take care of. But I’ll see you at 6.”

* * *

  
  
   By the time my doorbell rang early that evening I was as ready for this tour as I was ever going to be. My bags were lined up at the front door, ready for the car that would be picking me up at eleven o'clock the next morning. I’d gotten my hair done, cleaned out the refrigerator, put all my bills on auto-pay, checked in with my parents and Mitch, and even squeezed in a final wax and mani-pedi. I was tired but my mind was clear and my stomach rumbled in anticipation of whatever Jared might have decided on for dinner.

  
   Jared, of course, looked amazing as always, practically edible himself in a red and black button up shirt that probably could have used a little more of the “up” in that phrase as it hung loosely open, allowing me a peek at that amazing chest of his. I took the bouquet of flowers that he offered me, a gorgeous pastel arrangement of peonies and sweet peas, and threw my arms around his neck for a kiss. The butterflies that kiss sent fluttering were just as strong as they had been the night before and I smiled as I pulled away, burying my head in the flowers to hide the blush I felt returning to my cheeks. 

  
   “These are so beautiful and thoughtful. Thank you,” I gushed.

  
   “I know you won’t be around long enough to enjoy them properly but I wanted to do something nice for your last night in town.”

  
   “They’re perfect. Thank  you.” I nodded towards the bag of takeout he was carrying. “What’s in there? It smells incredible!”

  
   “Pho. I hope you like it. I realized when I was deciding what to pick up we probably should talk more about our favorite foods.”

  
    I led him back to the kitchen so we could unpack the takeaway. “I love just about anything as long as it’s vegetarian,“ I offered. "I’m a very adventurous eater.”

   “That doesn’t surprise me. You’re an adventurous person.”

  
   Roger met us in the kitchen, reaching under the sink for a vase before I could. “Hey, Jared,” he said, busying himself with filling the vase. 

  
   “Hi,” Jared said stiffly. “Jane said something about you being here so I brought extra if you’d like to join us.”

  
   Roger shook his head and took the flowers from me, arranging them neatly in the vase while he spoke, avoiding looking Jared in the eye. “Thanks. That’s very gracious of you but I’m just going to order some pizza and stay out of you kid’s hair. I just stuck around to apologize to you for my behavior last night.”

  
   “It’s okay,” Jared said, only slightly more warmly.

  
   “No, it’s not okay. As I pointed out to Jane earlier that anger wasn’t really for you, it was for me. It wasn’t fair for me to take my own self-loathing out on you. I’ve been a bit of an ass towards you lately. I just want you to know it doesn’t really have anything to do with  you and I don’t really think you’re an asshole, no matter what I might have said.”

  
    Jared cleared his throat. “I think whore was the most recent word you used.”

  
   “Yeah, well not that either. I’m sorry. I’ll leave you two to your date now.”

  
   Jared seemed to soften. “No, don’t run off. I brought plenty of food. At least sit down and have a bowl with us.”

  
   Roger hesitated, looking from the ingredients Jared was setting out on the counter to the hallway that led back to the bedrooms. “That does smell amazing. Maybe I’ll just make a bowl and take it in my room.”

  
   I rolled my eyes. “Roger…”

  
  “No, if I leave then it will be less awkward when you talk about me,” he said with an uneasy laugh. “You know you’re going to fill him anyway. I’d rather not sit through it, to tell the truth.”

  
 We made some small talk while we prepared our bowls, Jared watching with wide eyes while I alternated dumping in bright red chili after chili and taking test slurps of the broth until I had it as fiery as I wanted it. Roger laughed at his reaction, just pulling the sriracha out of the cupboard and placing it in front of me. I waved him off – I usually preferred the actual peppers to using the prepared sauce, assuming the broth was of good quality, and once everyone had their bowls the way they wanted we went our separate ways – Roger to his room and Jared and me out to our deck. The weather was warmer than it had been the last time we had been out there and we left the fire unlit, simply snuggling close on the rattan couch to enjoy the evening and each other’s company.

  
   "So I need to tell you something,“ I began.

  
   "Oh?” Jared looked uneasy.

  
   "My publicist called me this morning. Apparently, someone took pictures of us at that restaurant the other night. She wanted to know if we were dating.“

  
   "What did you tell her?” he asked carefully.

  
   "I told her we were old friends who were catching up. She wanted to turn it into something… which I get that’s her job and all but I put a stop to it. I just wanted you to be aware.“

  
   Jared nodded. "That’s something we’ll have to deal with down the road if we continue though, you know that right?”

  
   "I do but I wish everyone would just give me a chance to figure this out before they go practically marrying us off.“

  
   He was quiet for a few minutes as we continued to eat. “So are we allowed to talk about Roger now?” he asked once I had finished my noodles.

  
   I frowned. I knew Jared deserved an explanation, but I really just wanted to enjoy my evening with him. “It’s his family again. They’re colossal assholes. Always turning up with some new bullshit whenever Roger’s happy. This time Marsha called to make sure that now that Roger was becoming more well known that he wasn’t going to talk about his family back in Indiana, and oh, by the way, would he consider changing his last name?”

  
   “Fucking assholes,” Jared swore under his breath.

  
   "And to make matters worse, he found out last night that Gretchen is still married, although she’s separated from her husband. He decided to go drink it off with a friend I guess.”

  
   “Jesus, he cannot cut a break can he?” I could see Jared’s attitude toward Roger instantly swing back around.

   
   “No, not really.”

   “Well tell him he has my number if he wants to talk.”

  
   I nodded and snuggled a little deeper into Jared’s arms. “And what about me?” I asked playfully. “Because I have your number too but I don’t want to talk.”

  
   “Really,” Jared said as he pulled me around until we were facing each other. He kissed me lightly on the nose. “What would you like to do?”

  
   “My ride to the airport is picking me up at eleven tomorrow morning. I’m yours until then. What would you like to do?”

  
  Jared moved in for another kiss, this time not on the tip of my nose and not nearly so innocent. I wasn’t sure how far I was ready to take any of this, but it had been so long since I had allowed anyone to touch me that way and I found I was starving for that sensation. 

  
  “Let’s go back inside.”


	12. Chapter 12

 

   Jared followed me into the kitchen where I rinsed out the bowls to put them in the dishwasher. Roger had already put the leftovers away so there wasn't much else to do. Jared pressed himself into my back as I stood at the sink, his arms twining around my waist and his chin resting on my shoulder. I was reveling in the warm heat and soapy smell of him when I felt his breath at my ear.

  
   “So which one of these rooms is yours?” came his husky whisper.

  
   Goosebumps erupted on my skin and my stomach clutched. “Uhm, Jared...”

   He spun me around without releasing me from his clutches and kissed me softly. “We don't have to do anything you don't want to, Jane,” he said as he ran those long fingers through my curls. “I would just like some privacy and I'd rather not end up on the floor again.”

   He had a point, but fear that had festered in four years of solitude was turning my feet to clay. It probably didn't help that in spite of his gentle words, he was eyeing me like a cobra staring down its prey. A voice inside my head kept asking what I was doing here. I was getting ready to leave on a publicity jaunt. Jared was in the middle of a tour. Neither one of us had time for whatever this was turning into. It wasn't sensible, and when it came to relationships I was trying so hard to be just that. On the other hand didn't want to be shy Jane the wallflower again either. As Jared twisted one curl between his fingers and waited expectantly for my response all the reasons I should say no and all the ways to say it fell into those deep blue eyes and dissolved. 

   “Here, let me show you.”

   I took his hand and walked back through the house to my bedroom. It wasn't a decision, really. It was a complete lack of one. I didn't know what I wanted at this point. I had pictured this evening going a thousand different ways, and although I had to admit a great many of them featured Jared in my bed, I wasn't sure If that was really what I was ready for. I had just assumed that as the evening wore on my feelings would get clearer and a decision would present itself. It hadn't yet. I did know at the very least I wanted to feel more of his arms around me and more of his touch.

   Jared pounced on me again as soon as my door was closed, twirling me around and pulling me onto the bed next to him. I laughed as I kicked my shoes loose and he locked his arms around my waist and grinned back merrily. It was good to laugh and to see him smiling like that. The last week had been a parade of angst and anxiety dragged out from the recesses of our shared past. It was good to be finally shaking some of it loose.  
 

  I slid up on the bed and positioned myself against the pillows and Jared moved with me, settling himself over me before diving in for another kiss. I loved his kisses; intense, passionate affairs that I could feel in every extremity, kisses that made my heart race and my skin flush, kisses that made me feel like I was his. It was hard not to fall under their spell. I threw myself into them, exchanging nibbles and twisting our tongues together until my lips were swollen and something almost forgotten began to uncoil deep in my core. 

   “I meant what I said.” Jared's voice was a warm, breathy tingle in my ear. “If you want to stop you just need to say so. But you have to tell me, I'm not a mind reader.” With that proclamation he dove in for a taste of my neck that made my stomach do another cartwheel. It was all delicious but very strange – wild, bossy, possessive Jared deferring to me, treating me like an injured kitten, acting like a love-struck teenager himself. I wasn't sure what had gotten into him, and I wasn't sure if I liked it. Maybe it wasn't him though. Maybe I just wanted him to make the decisions for both of us. After all, if he decided then whatever happened next was his responsibility right? Christ. I was willing to do some crazy mental gymnastics to avoid bearing the burden of my own lousy decisions. I had to grow up. I had to stop running away from what I wanted – because I was finally starting to admit to myself I wanted Jared.   
 

   While I was lost in my head, Jared's hand had slipped underneath my blouse. I was quickly pulled back into the moment when his fingers hooked into the cup of my bra, pulling it aside so he could roughly palm its contents. The way he twisted my nipple between his thumb and forefinger made me bow my back in pleasure. The moan I made when his quick fingers were replaced with his eager mouth and tongue reached my ears at the same time the voice in my head said again “What are you doing here?”.

   It had been nearly four years since I had let any man touch me, and yet here I was, getting increasingly naked in my bed with my legs wrapped around Jared, the first man I had gone out with since then, the last man I had been with before. My romantic solitude was a river, passing between those points, now and before, and I had crossed over it only to find Jared still waiting on the other side. I mean yes, I suppose it was our third date, we had made it to that traditional milestone, but still an odd sort of guilt washed over me at the prospect of abandoning my principles and celibacy so easily. Was I doing it again, so caught up in how much Jared clearly wanted me that I was blind to anything else? And now that I realized I wanted him, was I just rushing headlong into a new disaster? Was I as completely incapable of making good decisions as I feared I was? Roger's voice as he questioned me with those sarcastic undertones echoed in my mind and I could feel panic rising in my chest.

   “Jane?” Jared questioned, his face above my own now, staring down at me with a concerned look. I must have stopped responding to him as I waded through my sea of self-doubt. An entirely new guilt washed over me.  
“

   I'm sorry,” I quickly apologized, my hand coming up to cradle his cheek. God, he was so gorgeous, even more than when I had first met him. I had wanted him then too, on that other side of the river, but fate had other things in store for both of us. This wasn't then, I reminded myself. Maybe I was ready to finally let the past go.

   The longer I looked at him, the more the guilt and uncertainty melted away. I knew who this man was, his hopes his dreams, his history. We had talked about our expectations, we had set boundaries. Being with him wasn't crazy, wasn't rushed, and was based on a lot more than whether or not he wanted me. I knew what I was doing this time. This was as sensible as things could get. This was the good decision I had been waiting for. But it was so much more than that.  
There was chemistry with Jared that I couldn't deny. It wasn't as if no man had propositioned me until now, quite a few of them had actually, but somewhere along the line I had set my standards higher. Maybe it was the incredible rush I had felt in being with Shannon, or the awe I had felt at Jefferson and all he had accomplished after being dealt such a shitty hand in life. Maybe it was Jared himself, creative, smart, wild and so incredibly sexy. I had known all along that Doug the mountain climbing orthodontist, though more intriguing than most of the men I had encountered, was never going to do. I needed someone that was extraordinary. Someone that could keep up with my own wild pace, and that didn't back down. Someone exactly like Jared. 

   I smiled reassuringly at Jared before pushing him over onto his back and straddling him. I pulled off my shirt and bra, which had bunched awkwardly at my middle thanks to Jared's ministrations, and bent in for another kiss. As my hair fell forward and framed our faces I drew his bottom lip into my mouth, nipping at it lightly before releasing it and sitting up again.  
Jared ran his hands up my arms and across my shoulders. He let his hands trace the contours of my face as we gazed at each other, breathing deeply, falling under each other's spell. Now that I had given myself permission to fall for him I wanted him so badly. I could feel the heavy ache growing in my core as I bent in for another kiss.

   Knowing I would have to make the first move any way I let my mouth wander from his, nipping at his stubbled jaw, sucking the soft skin of his neck into my mouth. Jared made a little whimpering noise when my teeth scraped at the hollow at the base of his throat and I mentally filed that away for later use. Other memories were coming back to me, images of my nails running down his sides, my mouth on the swell of his stomach, his whimpers and moans, and suddenly this landscape seemed more familiar. It seemed as if maybe it could be mine. 

   I let my hands trail across his chest, reaching his buttons, which I slowly began to undo as I allowed my mouth to travel lower. When the last button was undone Jared pulled his shirt free. I didn't hesitate, swirling my tongue over his hard little nipples and catching them between my teeth. This caused him to growl and grind his hips against me. I couldn't help but smile. That was the Jared I was missing, the animal in him. I hoped I could encourage it further out of its den.  
By the time my mouth reached the top of his waistband I was panting as well, my palms were hot and my sex was aching for attention, but I didn't want to race through any of this. It had literally been years since I had been intimate with anyone – my sex life had died in that hotel along with the trusting part of my heart – and I was enjoying the feel of a man beneath me again. I let my fingers trace the edges of his hips while I continued to nuzzle the sparse remains of fuzz that peeked above his underwear. 

   “Someone's been manscaping,” I joked as my hands made my way to his growing bulge. Jared surprised me however by reaching down and pulling my hands away, keeping them gripped lightly as he waited for me to make eye contact. “What's wrong?” I questioned.

   “Nothing,” he smiled, releasing me and brushing his hair from in front of his eyes. His cheeks were flushed and his breath seemed to come in hitches. “I just want to make sure this is what you want. You were hesitant to even come back here. Now you're pulling my clothes off.”

   I sat up and pulled a pillow against my chest and Jared moved so that he was sitting in front of me. “I'm sorry,” I told him. “I know I've probably been giving you a lot of mixed signals.”

   “No, I get it. This has all been a little weird. To be honest it took me a few days to sort out my feelings too.”

   “Well I finally sorted mine,” I confessed, taking his hand in mine. “This is what I want. You're not pushing me into anything if that's what you're worried about.”

   Jared's mouth became an almost invisible line and he dropped my gaze. “Partially.”

   He didn't say anything else but it wasn't hard for me to work out what else might be bothering him. “I'm not going to go running back to Shannon the first time you turn your back either.”

   Jared nodded and swallowed but didn't meet my eyes yet. “And I'm not the next best thing-- just something that you're settling for?”

   It was a fair question and one I had wrestled with myself already. “No,” I told him firmly. I gave his hand a squeeze and then softened. “Like you could ever be something someone settles for. You're so amazing. I can't believe you were ever interested in me back then. Still kind of can't believe it now.”

   That pulled him back from wherever he had retreated to. “I've told you, Jane. I wanted you all along. I noticed how incredible you were from the start. Maybe even before you did. I've always been right here for the asking. I still am.”  
My heart felt like someone was squeezing it. “I'm sorry. I know better now.”

   “Me too,” he whispered as leaned forward, catching my head in his hand before he brought his lips back to mine. I lingered there in that kiss for a while before I realized there was more to be said.

   “You have to stop treating me like you're going to break me.”

   “I just wanted to be sure I wasn't pushing you into something. Roger said...”  
A sound came out of me that was like a snarl. “Never mind Roger. He doesn't know as much as he thinks he does.” Jared started to pull back. “No really, I mean it, Jared. I don't know what's gotten into you. Are you okay? Is this something you actually want?”  
Jared laughed dryly. “You have no idea...'

   “Then can we just stop all this ridiculousness? “ I slipped my arms around his neck and kissed him again. “I want to be with you. You want to be with me. We don't owe anyone else any explanations or anything else. We're allowed to want to be together and to be happy about it.” 

   I kissed him again, lingering until I felt him relax into it. He still seemed to be holding back on me however so I attempted to move this forward. I pulled back a little bit, biting my lower lip while I tilted my head down so I could look up demurely. I traced my finger down the center of his chest. “And I do want to be with you. So let's try this again.”

   I gave Jared a gentle shove and he fell backward with a grin. We shifted until he was stretched out on his back and I was once again straddling him, my mouth on his stomach. I toyed at the bulge that tented his slacks, cupping it in my hand as I traced my tongue ever lower, feeling it firm up and become more prominent for me. I unfastened his pants and slid them down over his hips while he propped himself up on his elbows to watch. Once they were low enough his cock sprung free, and I wrapped my hand eagerly around it, giving it a few quick strokes before removing his pants completely and tossing them aside. I felt a little strange being still partially dressed too, so I removed my own pants before settling between his legs.

   I ran my nails along his thighs and he moaned and shifted eagerly. He seemed to love the feeling of my nails on him, running them down his sides, up his thighs, across his back. I'd have to remember to keep them neatly groomed for him – climbing could be hard on them, but then again I wasn't going to be doing any of that for a while. Tucking that thought away I focused on the impressive shaft in front of me, wrapping my hand around it and giving it a few firm strokes before I pressed my tongue into the junction between it and his balls. As I slowly drew it up the underside of his shaft I savored the way he tasted and the way his soft skin felt against my tongue. I continued to take my time there, teasing him with more passes of my tongue, testing his response when I ran my nails across his sack. He was groaning and swearing under his breath by the time I finally took him fully into my mouth.

   I loved the way he felt sliding against my tongue and down my throat. I hollowed my cheeks and kept my hand at his base, working him up quickly as I felt the moisture between my legs growing. Jared reached down and gathered my hair, holding it up behind my head while he watched me work. I smiled up at him as I took my hand away, letting him slip deeply into my throat. 

   “Fuck, Jane,” he growled as he dropped his head back. He panted for a few beats and then dropped my hair and slid up the bed just a bit. “Come here,” he commanded.

   I stopped what I was doing but I was confused as to what he wanted. I started to climb back up over his body but he shook his head. 

   “No. That's not what I mean. Turn around.”  
 

   Realization dawned on me. “Uhm...” 

   “Don't even try arguing with me,” he growled and my heart raced. “I need a taste of you too. Now get over here.”

   Well, there was the demanding Jared I had been missing. The problem was I wasn't very good at what he was requesting. I tended to lose focus the minute I had a mouth between my legs. Then again I suspected he knew that and was willing to let the quality of the blow job he was receiving suffer a bit. With a nod I moved so that I was straddling his head. 

   As I bent forward to grasp Jared's dick again I felt his fingers tracing their way around my damp entrance before plunging in suddenly. I gasped and lurched forward, my nails digging into Jared's thigh. 

   “God I love how fucking wet for me you are, Jane. Do you know how fucking sexy that is?” he growled. I didn't reply, I just focused on getting him back into my mouth while he continued to plunge his fingers in and out of me. As soon as my mouth made contact with his tip again his fingers were replaced by his tongue and I had to fight again to get my focus back.

   We eventually establish a rhythm, him nipping and growling into my sex while his tongue made circles around my clit, and me moaning around that impressive shaft of his while I took ever farther down my throat. I could feel the heat that pooled deep in my core rising, sending little tendrils of pleasure out to all my limbs. I knew what was coming, and I tried to keep my focus on Jared's pleasure, tried to make it last a little longer, but then Jared thrust his fingers into me again, curling them until he found that sensitive ridge inside me, and then my control was gone. My orgasm hit me like a giant wave, so intense I nearly collapsed again him, and all I could do was clutch his thighs and cry out as the euphoria washed over me. When I finished and was left panting and trembling over him as I tried again to get my wits about me I heard Jared chuckling.

   “Jane...

   Thinking I had been too much for him or hurt him I began to apologize but he just laughed again and gave my bottom a pat. 

   “Babe I just need you to move so I can grab a condom,” he said before biting down gently on my ass. I yelped and gasped playfully before moving to the side. I watched his gorgeous form as he moved from the bed and went to ruffle through the pocket of his pants, coming back quickly with a little foil wrapper. He had the condom on in a flash and he settled himself over me again, cupping the back of my head and kissing me deeply.

    Jared ran his thumb over the peak of my cheekbone and pressed his lips tenderly again my nose. “It's you, you know. You're what's gotten into me. I know I'm not a romantic but you are, and you make me feel like maybe I could be one too. Like there's more to me.”

   I felt it again, that tremendous tug in my chest, and I knew what he meant. Jared made me feel that way too, as if there were untapped veins in my soul that were just waiting to be discovered. The real danger here wasn't my doubts that I had thrown aside. The real danger was that I was falling for him too fast. 

    Jared shifted us both, our bodies still molded tightly together, and then his hips shifted forward, filling me carefully while he gazed down at me. Once he began his rhythm his eyes closed in pleasure and I was transfixed by the way his lashes fluttered against his cheeks and his tongue moistened his lower lip before it slipped behind his teeth. He took his time, letting the heat build, letting the everything passing between us intensify. When he finally picked up his pace he pressed his forehead against mine as he began making those rolling growls again and I quickly found myself back on the edge. 

   “Can you wait,” Jared whispered when he no doubt felt the little quivers and shakes that body was making. He cupped my head again, kissing me lightly as he panted. “I want you to come with me. I'm almost there.”  
I nodded, shifting slightly to wrap my legs around him. I wove my fingers into his hair and covered his face with kisses, waiting for him to find his release. 

    “Fuck, oh fuck... now, Jane... now,” he stuttered in my ear, his body already starting to spasm. I slipped my hand between us, finding that sensitive spot above the junction of our bodies, and almost instantly I was there too, gripping him tightly while once again the edges of my vision went dark and my body arched in ecstasy. I heard myself moaning his name over and over as we both rode out our high.

    Jared collapsed next to me with a whimper, letting his breathing even out before getting up to discard the condom and clean up a bit. I tossed my comforter aside and pulled down the blankets before climbing in and making myself comfortable. Jared snuggled in beside me when he returned, pulling me against him as he covered the top of my head in kisses.   
We didn't say much of anything else to each other. Things had shifted from sex and playful back to intense pretty quickly and I think we were both processing it. I just let myself relax, content in the feeling of having Jared's arms wrapped around me while I rested my head against his chest, letting my limbs grow heavy while musing about the next time I would see him. I was almost asleep when I heard him mumbling, so close to sleep that I would second guess myself a million times over the next week whether I had heard what I thought I heard. 

   “I love you, Jane. Sleep tight.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


 

 


	13. Chapter 13

  
**_Jane:_**  
  
   “Marisol, could you get that please?” I called out in response to the pounding on the door of our hotel suite. I heard some shuffling in the next room which I assumed was my new assistant answering the door. I went back to answering my e-mail. A minute later Marisol popped into my room with an enormous bouquet of flowers in her arms. 

   “I think you have a delivery,” she laughed as she held out the card for me.   
 

   I took a sniff of the bouquet and smiled. I knew who it was from, of course, without even opening the card. It was the same collection of peonies, roses, and hydrangeas that Jared had brought over on our last night together. I felt my skin flush and my cheeks tingle at the memories that stirred up and I quickly turned away so that Marisol wouldn't see the look on my face. While she placed the flowers where I could enjoy them while I worked I sat back down at my laptop and waited for a little privacy before opening the card. 

   Once I was alone again I split the seal on the envelope and pulled out a folded sheet of paper.

  
  _Can't stop thinking about you. Need to see you._ 6am _here is s_ 10pm _there. Could we Skype tonight? Xoxoxo – J_

  
   That warm tingly feeling got a little stronger as I read his note. We would be here in Seattle for two more days due to a charity event I was involved with. Normally I would be in bed by 10pm, writers did a lot of morning radio and local market morning news, but of course I would stay up for the possibility of getting to see Jared again. Even it was just a digital version of him.   
I quickly sent him a text message to confirm our Skype date and then busied myself with my correspondence. I wanted to make sure all my obligations were tended to so that nothing would interfere with my plans. 

   “Marisol, can you please bring me that hard copy of the Minnesota grant proposal,” I called out as I looked over the most recent e-mail from Alexa.

   Jefferson had left me and Roger the bulk of his fortune when he died. There had been quite a bit of it, he was the founder of a tech startup during the dot-com boom. I had used a small amount for myself, I was a struggling writer after all, and invested some so that I would have a guaranteed income no matter how the writing went, but Roger had only touched enough of his to buy the New York apartment we had shared. The rest of everything had been carefully invested and used to set up a charity for Los Angeles area LGBTQ youth. We assisted minors that had been kicked out of their homes and families like Jefferson had. We connected them with LGBTQ friendly foster families and provided other services as well, including physical and mental health services, counseling, housing assistance, and mentoring. We provided social support as well, with activities that helped them build their sense of community and belonging. That was the first center anyway. Seven years on and the foundation had blossomed, growing into more centers in Los Angeles, and then across California, and now in 12 different states. I was tremendously proud of it, as was Roger. We felt we had given Jefferson a fitting tribute. I knew he would have been proud of it.

   Roger didn't really deal directly with the foundation, he didn't have the time, but I was very hands on. My involvement had grown and become more direct over the years, and currently, I was co-chairing it with the aforementioned Alexa. She was a formidable woman, a former social worker who had decided she could better advocate for her community by pursuing a legal degree. She had been practicing law and making heads roll for 15 years when I found her. The foundation wouldn't be where it was today without her, and although I felt guilty for the way I popped in and out of my role there she was more than capable of handling things on her own. If I were honest with myself, I was probably more of a distraction for her than help, at least with the day to day things. I was very good at fundraising, however, so I threw myself into that whenever I had the chance.

   I finished up my work just in time to get changed for my dinner meeting with a local reporter. By the time I had gotten back to the hotel from that obligation Marisol had finished all the correspondence that that was within her purview, confirmed all of my upcoming appointments, ordered some chamomile tea from room service and even laid out my pajamas. I thanked her for going so above and beyond but she just shrugged me off with a smile.

   I got changed into my yummy sushi pajamas, a holdover from my Buffy the Vampire Slayer addiction days, and snuggled up on the sofa with my laptop and the tea Marisol had ordered. I was exhausted from a sea of early mornings and full days, and soon I felt my eyelids drooping. Since I still had several hours before Jared was due to call, I set the laptop aside and stretched out, intending to take a short nap. I lasted about ten minutes before I was passed out cold.

   I awoke to my new assistant gently shaking me and calling out my name. I was confused at first, trying to figure out who she even was (she had only been with me a week at that point) and then where I was at. When I heard the familiar Skype chimes coming from my laptop I immediately shot up, adrenaline quickly dispersing the cloud of sleep.   
I thanked Marisol for alerting me, quickly smoothed out my hair and straightened my pajama top, and then answered the call as I watched her own pajama-clad form retreat to her room. If today was any indication there was going to be a raise in that woman's future.

   “You were asleep,” came Jared's voice from the monitor. I was worried he might be mad but he was grinning and his observation had been tinged with amusement.

   “Hello to you too,” I joked. “What makes you say I was sleeping?”

   “Because I've been calling for half an hour and your face is all puffy.”

   “Well aren't you the gentleman. 'Hello Jane, you look like hell.'”

   Jared laughed. “You look beautiful. But sleepy. And don't think I don't know my eyes are puffy too. And bloodshot.”

   “So how was London?” I asked, changing the subject.

   “Good. Great crowd. Playing the Astoria is amazing. Wish you could have been here. How's Seattle?”

   “Rainy, exactly as advertised,” I confessed. “But I like it. It's a change from Los Angeles. Never did care for all that relentless sun.”

   “And how's the new assistant working out?”

   “Amazing. She is the pinnacle of competence. So much better than the last one. By the way, you have her to thank for waking me up when you called.”

   “Maybe I should send her the flowers next time.”

   I laughed. “Maybe you should. She's a real gem.”

   We continued to make small talk, catching up on the little details of life on the road for the last few days. It was good just to see him and hear his voice. We could have talked about double pitch sprockets for all I cared. I just wanted more of his company. I wanted to feel more of the rush I got whenever I thought of him. Hell, I wanted to feel him again too, but that at least would have to wait.

   “What are you smiling so devilishly about?” Jared asked.

   I knew I blushed, I could feel it in my cheeks. I just hoped the picture wasn't clear enough for him to notice. “Just thinking about how much I miss you. I know I shouldn't, we've only had three dates....”

   Jared cut me off. “I keep thinking about you too. The way that your nose crinkles when you laugh.”

   I smiled. “The way your lower lip sticks out when you don't get your way.”

   “The way you stomp your foot when you don't get yours!” he protested.

   “The way you wave your hands all over the place no matter what you're talking about.”

   Jared's voice softened. “The way you sigh every time I kiss you.”

   “Mmmm,” I purred. “How about the way you whimper when I run my nails down your sides.”

   “Or the sounds you make when I nibble your skin.” 

   “The way you moan when I scrape my teeth across your throat.”

   Jared's voice shifted to an even lower timbre. “The way you moan my name when I'm inside you.”  
 

   Someone behind Jared cleared their throat and I wanted to dive under the sofa. Surely he had made sure we'd have some privacy before he started this call? I waited until he seemed to have stopped talking. “Jared?” 

   He again turned around to speak to someone who was out of sight, telling them he'd be right there. “I'm sorry, babe. They're waiting on me. I've gotta go. Flight to catch.”

   I felt like we'd hardly had any time at all, but I tried to hide my disappointment. “That's okay. I understand. I'm just glad we got to talk for a bit.'

   “We've got a little break coming up before we head to Australia. We can figure out a time to do this again soon.”

   “Okay but next time you can just e-mail or text me. You don't have to send flowers.”

   “It's a date. Sort of. At least as close to one as we're going to get for a while. I'm trying to be romantic. Let me send flowers.”

   “Fine,” I demurred. “Good night, Jared.”

   “Good night, Jane.” 

   My stomach clutched, terrified he was going to add in those three words I had thought I heard from him the last time we were together, but he simply ended the call. Part of me wanted him to say them. Part of me knew that we weren't ready for that. 

   I closed my laptop and went to bed. 

* * *

  
_**Jared:**_  
  
   “How long have you been standing there?” I asked, closing the laptop and turning to Shannon.

   “Too fucking long,” he grumbled.”Get your shit. We're headed out in ten.”

   I looked at the laptop for a minute before beginning to wrap up the cords and return everything to its pack. I hated that he had been there for any of that. I didn't want to make this any more difficult than it already was. “You know I'm not trying to rub your face in it or anything. We were supposed to be alone...”

   “It's fine. It's not your fault.”

   Shannon pulled his hoodie up over his freshly shaved head. “I'll have to start knocking.”

   I sighed and grabbed my bags. Jane and I had mostly let go of the twisted history between us but Shannon and I still had some things to work through.

   He was silent as we locked up the room and headed down the hall. Once we were in the elevator he asked, “You really aren't going to go see her on Friday?”

   I frowned. “Why would I go see her on Friday? We've got the awards show in Sydney on Sunday, and then after the Australia leg it's off to Tokyo and then ...”

   “It's her birthday, dumbass.”

   My face heated. I felt like that was something I should have known about her by now. Clearly, Shannon still remembered. I wondered if he thought of her every April 27th. “Shit. I don't know if I can make that work.”

   Shannon stared at me, silent and stone-faced.

   “I'll make it work,” I conceded.

   “Take her a cake. One of those overly sugary ones from a grocery store bakery. Round, with pink roses. It has to have pink roses.”

   “Uhm, okay. I mean I guess I can do that but why not get her something nice?”

   “Because that's what her dad got her every year when she was growing up. You know she's a huge daddy's girl, right? She worships that man, and to hear Jane and Roger tell it, he deserves it.'

   That at least I did know. Jane was very close to her parents, especially her father. Roger had several times spoken of him as well. It made me a bit envious, to be honest, that they had someone that great to grow up with. “Okay. Cheap bakery cake with pink roses. Got it.”

   “And strawberry ice cream. And the tall skinny candles,” he added. “She gets sad on her birthday when she's not at home. You need to make it really special.”

   Shannon's voice was even but the conversation was unnerving me. “Why are you telling me all this? You said the game was still on. Why are you helping me?”

   “Because she's on the road and it always makes her lonely and unhappy. I don't want her to be lonely and unhappy. I'd like her to have a good birthday.” Shannon sighed and shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “And because I'm trying to be a fucking grown up, remember?”

    I nodded. “Well, thanks. I appreciate it.”

   Shannon growled. “I'm not doing it for you.”

   The elevator stopped and two older businessmen got on. We shifted awkwardly towards the back and Shannon adjusted his sunglasses and pulled his hoodie up a little tighter. He generally did that when he was wanting to be sure he wouldn't be recognized, but I didn't think the two guys in their grey suits and modest ties were exactly huge fans. I shot him a smirk and then took in the look on his face. He wasn't hiding from the new elevator occupants. He was trying to hide his expression from me. 

   “Shan...” I started softly, unsure what to say to try to soothe him.

   “I've never been with her on her birthday, you know. You're already getting more than I ever did.”

   I tried to say something else but he turned around and faced the wall opposite me. Maybe I had been arrogant to think that I could make this all work somehow. Maybe this was a bad idea. 

   We didn't say anything else as we loaded our bags into the waiting car but I couldn't let our elevator conversation go. I turned it and the morning's events over and over in my head all the way to the airport. I loved them both. I didn't want to have to choose. This was hurting Shannon, but I had known it would. Was I selfish to ask him to stand down this time? I didn't think that Jane would give him another chance. She generally avoided speaking his name at all or asking anything that might entail me having to include Shannon in the answer. But even if there were no hope of them getting back together, maybe it would have been easier for Shannon if he didn't have to see her with me. But that really wasn't fair to me or to Jane either. There really was no solution to this situation that didn't end up in someone getting hurt. I'd made the best decision I could. It was time to stop beating myself up about it.

 


	14. Chapter 14

 

**Jared:**  
  
After texting that I had arrived I waited patiently in the hotel hallway, arms full of packages, careful not to alert Jane to my presence by any knocking. After a minute a door opened and a tall woman with bleached blonde hair spotted me and waved me over. 

“Shh. She's on the phone in the other room. If we're quick she won't notice.”

She quickly pulled some of the packages from my arms and headed back inside, motioning with her head for me to follow. I made my way in as quietly as I could, carefully placing the things I was still carrying on the table near the window. 

“Okay, I think I know what to do with all of this,” she whispered as she surveyed everything. “I'm Marisol, by the way.”

“Yeah, I kind of worked that out,” I whispered back. "Thanks so much for doing this for us."

Marisol ushered me back into the hallway and gestured to the adjoining door. Once again I found myself standing about, now just holding a garment bag and a tote, while I waited for someone to let me in.

Marisol soon appeared at the neighboring door as well, welcoming me with a flourish. Jane was just inside, still talking on the phone, her back to me. I set my things down and waited. 

“I know, I know. But Roger and I will be back for a week in June. You know we wouldn't miss Daddy's birthday. We miss you guys too,” Jane spoke into her receiver as she paced. “Are Mitch and Audrey driving up with the girls?” There was another long pause. “Well give them all hugs and kisses from their Aunt Jane. I'll see you guys soon. I love you, Mommy.”

Jane hung up the phone and sighed. She stood in place, tapping the cell against her open palm. I couldn't see her face but from the way she held herself – breathing deeply, sighing – I was pretty sure she was fighting some intense homesickness. I was glad I had carved out the time to fly to Texas to see her. 

Finally, she turned around, the light in the room catching on a little extra dampness in her green eyes. “Marisol, was that someone at the door...”

She stopped when she caught sight of me, her jaw dropping open before her mouth turned up into the biggest grin I had ever seen on her. She squealed and threw her arms around my neck. “Oh my god, Jared! What are you doing here?”  
I waited for her to release me, giving her a quick kiss as I set her firmly back down on her feet. “Well I couldn't very well let you spend your birthday without me, could I?”

“How did you know it was my birthday? I don't think I ever told you...” she trailed off then finished her own thought. “Roger. Of course. I suppose he thinks this makes up for ditching me to do that magazine shoot in Poland.”

I didn't know if I should correct her or not. On one hand, it didn't seem to be fair to take the credit away from Shannon for at least trying to be somewhat selfless. On the other hand, I didn't like the way Jane stiffened any time Shannon was mentioned. This was her birthday. We didn't need any of that. I decided to let it go for now. 

“I was hoping to take you out for your birthday. I made some reservations and brought a change of clothes....” I told her as I gestured toward my garment bag, now slung across the back of a chair.

“Oh no!” Jane looked stricken and I had to try to keep a straight face. I knew what was coming. “I love that you surprised me and all but I'm afraid I have a dinner meeting. There this new donor...”

Marisol broke first, chuckling from her position near the door. “Yeah, about that..” I said.

Jane shook her head. “It's you. The meeting is with you.”

“I wanted to be sure you kept your schedule free,” Marisol explained.

“You were in on this?” 

“Who do you think helped me pull all this off?” I asked. “But there's bad news too. We have rehearsals for the Australian VMAs and I have to fly back out. I'm afraid I have to head back to the airport by 4:30 am.”

I expected Jane to be disappointed, but if anything, she seemed touched. “Your schedule is that packed and you flew out here just to take me to dinner?” She settled her arms around my neck, running her fingers through my hair while she gazed sweetly into my eyes. “Are you trying to win best boyfriend of the year?”

I chuckled. “I thought we weren't using that word.”

“Pssh,' Jane said, releasing me with a peck on the cheek. “I'm a writer. I'll do what I want with the words.”

Marisol excused herself with a wink in my direction. Once we were alone I tackled Jane, pulling her over to the suite's small living area.

“We've got a while before dinner. What would you like to do? Have you been to San Antonio before?”

“Yes, but just for business. I haven't really gone out and done any sightseeing or anything.”

“It's a great town. I wish we had more time here. I'm sure we could find plenty to do. There's an amusement park, I know you love those, but we don't really have time for that.”

“No. When are our dinner reservations?”

“Seven thirty.”

“Well, what do you like to do when you're here?”

“Well, there's a couple of great parks, kayaking, hiking that sort of thing.”

“That's definitely out. I don't want to spend what little time we have driving out to things, getting sweaty and then driving back to change.”

“Agreed. There are some great museums if you like that.”

“Like painting museums or dinosaurs and mummy museums?”

“Art. Contemporary. There's this amazing artist in residence program here, and we could take a stroll along the Riverwalk after while we wait for dinner," I suggested.

“Hmm," Jane hummed, mulling it over. "I'm not much into art myself, I usually don't understand it, but I think it would be nice to go to an art museum with an actual artist. Plus I love watching you when you talk about things you're passionate about. Your eyes get so big and you're always licking your lips and fidgeting with your arms like you're trying not to overwhelm the rest of us. I love your passion.” 

I couldn't resist pulling her in for a kiss at that moment. Her lips were soft and sweet, tasting of some sort of fruity lip balm, and it struck me as a very Jane way for them to be. “And I love your softness,” I affirmed as I pulled her against me. “The world could have made you hard but you're still such a sugar cookie.”

Jane laughed and rolled her eyes. “I am not.”

“You are. And it's wonderful.”

* * *

 

  
We got changed into our dinner clothing after that. I had brought something simple, black slacks and a black button-up shirt, but I wished I had chosen something a little brighter when Jane emerged from the bathroom. She was in a breezy floral sundress, white with pink and yellow roses on it, her hair in big loose curls that cascaded across her shoulders and down her back, and I stopped what I was doing and just watched her as the sun filtering through the drapes illuminated her features. She saw me gaping at her and smiled, the same way she always did when I complimented her, laughing and blushing, dropping her eyes, and that tremendous something that hung in my chest whenever I was near her shifted and surged.

“Well, don't you look like Captain Emo,” she teased. “Do you need to borrow my eyeliner or did you bring your own?”

“What do you think is in the bag?” I quipped back. “I have basic black, ultra black, limo black, glam black, charcoal black, nighttime black, daytime black, formal black...”

“Smart ass.” She slipped into my arms without any further comment. 

“You look and smell amazing,” I told her as a rush of her perfume hit me. I recognized it as the same one she had been wearing on our first date, and I was sure I had smelled it on her before, probably that summer she spent part of the tour with us. 

“Same to you,” she said. 

“Even without the eyeliner?” I joked.

“Don't get me wrong, I like the eyeliner. I do. But I think we can skip it for tonight.” She gave me a light kiss and stepped back. “Okay. Go show me some art.”  


* * *

 

Everything fell perfectly into place once we headed out. Jane was enraptured at the museum, although I wasn't sure if it was from the art or watching me explain it to her. She definitely seemed to be having a good time. Marisol texted me while I was taking Jane on our pre-dinner walk to let me know that everything was ready back at the hotel. I was so excited to have Jane see my surprise I was almost ready to skip our meal. I hadn't been out for dinner in San Antonio in ages, so I took her to this Italian place that one of Emma's friends recommended. I wasn't too impressed with it, I thought the food was just okay, but Jane really enjoyed her piccata dish. 

We got to talking about our upcoming schedules and I mentioned that we would be shooting a video in Antarctica. Jane became very animated.

“Oh, I have been wanting to go there for ages!”

“Antarctica? Really?” I marveled.

Jane nodded and set down her fork. “I want to climb Mount Vinson. It's one of the seven summits, you know. I mean, not that I'm ever going to do all seven, but Vinson would be such an adventure....”

“How did you even get involved in climbing?”

“Mountaineering,” Jane corrected me. 

“Okay, mountaineering. You don't really strike me as the outdoorsy type, to be honest, Jane. You never mentioned so much as going camping before.”

“I really hadn't done much outdoorsy stuff before a few years ago. Some camping trips with Roger, a little hiking, that sort of thing. But remember when I went to Machu Picchu? Those Canadian tourists that invited me to go on that Rainbow Mountain trek with them? I'm pretty sure I wrote to you about that. Anyway, I think it all started there. And then after I climbed Kilimanjaro, it became this whole thing...”

“Wait, you climbed Kilimanjaro? When did this happen?”

“When I was on my walkabout. I was always fascinated with that mountain, ever since we read about it in school. I never seriously thought I'd climb it, but I was looking at these adventure travel trips, and they insisted Kili was doable if you were in good shape, and I had done well with the South American trek, and I really wanted to try. I'm so glad I did too. It was the most amazing experience.”  
I took a sip of my water. Catching up on all the changes with Jane had been its own amazing experience as far as I was concerned.

“Well I don't think we're going to be near Mt Vinson but you're welcome to join us in Antarctica if you'd like,” I told her.  
Jane's smile faded a bit. “I don't think that would be the best idea.”

“Jane, I'm sure it would be fine...”

“You know, my mountaineering group is going to trek Kathmandu Valley in June,” Jane said, quickly changing the subject. “It's a social thing, really. There's a climb that's more of a hike, takes about three days, ends up at this fifth-century temple. Nothing you couldn't handle, I'm sure. You could come to that if your schedule has space for it. I think you'd have fun.”

“Okay, I think my ego is a little bruised,” I laughed. “I'll have to see what my schedule looks like. Have Marisol send the info to Emma maybe?”

Jane nodded and changed the subject again, chattering brightly about her plans to go home to her parents in a little over a month. I countered with tales of my most recent visit with my own mother. Everything continued pleasantly after that, and before long I was paying the check and helping Jane out of her seat. I sent a quick text to Marisol to alert her to our impending return.

Jane wanted to take another stroll down the riverwalk, but the air had grown a bit chilly and of course, I was anxious to get back to the hotel to show her the rest of her birthday surprise. She seemed irritated that I didn't want to stay out and see the lights but I knew she'd forgive me once she was what Marisol and I had planned.

I slipped through the door as soon as she unlocked it, wanting to see her reaction. Her expression rapidly changed from puzzlement at my odd behavior to awe, her eyes huge as she took in the room.

As soon as I had left, Marisol had begun setting the room up. I had arranged for dozens of helium balloons, in pearly white and pink tones and long curly ribbons, to be delivered. They filled the room now, clinging to the ceiling in little clusters, reflecting the light from the candles that had been set up. Those were Emma's find, from a shop in Portland, giant versions of birthday cake candles in bright colors that echoed the ones on the cake set up on the table near the window. It wasn't actually a grocery store birthday cake – I think Tomo would have killed me if he had caught me buying her one of those – but I had explained the situation to the bakery where I had ordered it and they had done a fantastic job of making it look like a slightly nicer version of one. I hoped it would be enough.

The table draped in crepe and covered with flowers, showcasing the presents I had brought with me, including one from Roger, one from Tomo and one from Shannon. I had been a little unsure about that last one, but I figured it would be more awkward to leave him out of it.

“Oh my god, Jared. This is amazing,” Jane said as her face erupted into an enormous grin. “You didn't have to go to all this trouble!” She noticed Marisol then, standing in the corner where she had been keeping a watch over all the open flames. “And you too! Thank you so much!”

“You're welcome. Enjoy your birthday. I'm off to bed,” Marisol told her, giving her a quick hug and then retreating to her half of the suite. 

Jane walked over to the table. “Oh Roger, spilling all my secrets I see...” she mused. “The cake is perfect, as I'm sure you know. You're so sneaky.”

Once again I didn't correct her, just slipped up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist. “Well, birthday girl, make a wish. We have a cake to eat and presents to open.”

Jane smiled at me and then screwed her eyes tightly closed. After a minute she took a big breath and blew out all the candles, clapping her hands and cheering when she made it on the first attempt. 

“You're going to get your wish now. I hope you made it a good one.”

“I did.” She turned around and placed her arms around my neck. “Thank you,” she continued softly. “This is so incredible. You have no idea what it means to me.”

“Anything for you, Jane,” I told her before drawing her mouth to mine. She sighed and shifted in my arms, lingering there with her weight fully against me. I took the opportunity to trace my thumb over her cheekbones and run my fingers under her jawline, memorizing the lines of her face as she gazed dreamily back at me. 

“Oh yeah, presents,” she giggled finally, turning back to the table. 

“They're not all from me,” I pointed out as she picked each one up and shook it. I pointed out Roger's, and the one Tomo had insisted on sending when he found out where I was going, and then figured we'd get the most awkward one out of the way first. “This one is from Shannon. You don't have to open it if you don't want to." I figured I'd just pull the whole band-aid completely off so I added,

"He's the one that told me about your birthday, by the way."

Jane looked at the little box wrapped in red foil for a moment, running her fingertips across the folds in the paper. After a minute's contemplation, she nodded in agreement with some question in her head and then tore the wrapping away. Once opened, the box revealed a silver, Singapore chain bracelet with a single charm – a Ferris wheel. Jane twisted it in her fingers, her lips pursed tightly together. I thought I saw a hint of a smile returning to them before she abruptly closed the box back up and set it aside.

“Okay, what's next?” she asked a little too brightly. 

I handed her another box. “This is the one from Tomo.”

This time there was no hesitation as she unwrapped it, but she laughed when she saw the contents, and so did I when I pulled them out – a giant pair of fluffy slippers, made to look like chickens. “Tell him I said thank you,” she managed once she had stopped giggling.

I handed her Roger's package next, a long box with a large card attached to it. Jane opened the card first and then frowned. 

“What?” I asked.

“To Jane and Jared. Sorry for ditching you, Jane and apologies to Jared for my lousy behavior. P.S.: Janey, your real present is at Mom and Dad's.” she read aloud. 

“Okay, now you have to open it.”

She continued frowning as she peeled the paper away, revealing a plain black garment box. She took the lid off, looked inside for a second and then gasped and slammed the lid back down.

“I. Am going. To kill him,” she growled through gritted teeth.

“What on earth is in there?” I asked as I tried to pry the box away from her. She wouldn't let go. “Come on, it has my name on it too.”

Jane sighed and released her grip on the box. I pulled the lid back open and pulled the tissue paper aside, catching a glimpse of red satin, an o-ring, and a tag that read Bordelle.

“Is that what I think it is?” Jane asked.

“Well, if you think it's ridiculously expensive bondage-inspired boutique lingerie, then yes, it's exactly what you think it is.”

“Yup. I'm gonna kill him.”

“Oh come on. I'm sure he meant well. You haven't even taken it out of the box and looked at it properly. How do you know you won't like it?”

“Are you going to wear it?” she asked sarcastically.

“I don't know. Does it do anything for you if I do?”

She gave me a playful shove and I erupted into laughter. “God, you're as bad as Roger is,” she said before taking the box back and shoving to the side of the table. She picked up another present. “Who is this from?”

“That's from me, but so is the other one. You should open that one last.” I grabbed the larger of the two presents and exchanged it for the one she had been holding, letting the matter of the lingerie drop for now. “Here, open this one.”

I hadn't had a lot of time to shop for a present for Jane, and the one I had chosen for her risked not being ready in time, so I had enlisted Emma's help. This box had been her find. It was a silk pashmina-style scarf in shades of gold and rose that looked like a sunset. Jane snatched it out of the box as soon as she spotted it, running the smooth fabric against her cheek. “Oh my god, it's gorgeous. Thank you.”

Jane wrapped the new shawl around her shoulders before retrieving the box I had taken back from her earlier. It was wrapped in white paper with pink roses, to match the birthday cake, and she gave it a little shake while grinning mischievously at me. I didn't give her any hints, just waited patiently while she turned it over in her hands, shaking it again near her ear, before finally removing the paper. She smiled when she saw the necklace inside.

“It's so pretty, thank you,” she said, not understanding what I had gotten her. 

I took the necklace from its cradle, unwinding the chain and locating the clasp so that I could put it on her. It was a simple white gold chain with a pendant, a piece of clear resin surrounded with a gold ring. It was what was in the resin that made it special.

“I almost didn't get this in time,” I told her as she lifted her hair so I could fasten the piece for her. “The artist that does these is a friend of my mother though, and she did a rush job for me. I literally got it from her this morning, already wrapped. I hadn't even seen the finished product myself until now.”

Jane grasped the pendant and lifted it for a better look. “She did a lovely job. Is that a flower petal inside?”

“Yes,” I said proudly as stepped in front of her again. 

The phone call I had walked in on earlier was hardly my first introduction to how close Jane was with her parents. I knew that she loved them very much and although she loved her life as it was she got homesick often too. This one had taken a little help from Roger, and some from her mother, but I thought we had pulled off something very special.

“It's a peony petal. From your mother's garden,” explained. “It will stay preserved forever like that, and now you'll always have a piece of home with you.”

Jane drew in her breath sharply and her eyes grew misty. “Oh, Jared. It's the most perfect thing.” She threw her arms around my neck, murmuring thank yous as she sniffled against my chest. I pulled her tight and waited for her to settle down again. I knew how sentimental she was. The piece had gone over as well as I had hoped. 

When she finally let go she grasped the necklace again, keeping it tight in her grasp as she turned back to the table. “Uhm... Jared?”

“Yes?”

“The cake looks delicious. You didn't happen to bring anything with which we could cut it or serve it or eat it did you?”

“Shit. I should have known I'd forget something.”

Jane smiled, against nestling herself in my arms. “Nevermind. This has been the most perfect birthday I've had in years anyway. And I know what I'd rather have than cake right now.”

“Oh, what's that?”

She bit her lower lip, giving me a sly smile. “You.”

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


 

 


	15. Chapter 15

Jane wrapped her arms around my neck and stood up on her tiptoes, drawing me into a heated kiss. She sighed as I deepened it, her palm coming to rest on my cheek, her fingertips brushing the ridge of my cheekbone. With a sigh of my own, I pulled her closer, feeling the firmness of her underneath the thin fabric of her sundress as I flattened my palms against her back. There was strength in that tiny frame, I could feel it as her muscles shifted with her movements. I was lost in the dichotomy of it when Jane pulled back.

“Jared?” she whispered, her voice slightly dreamy.

“Mmm hmmm,” I mumbled as I attempted to reconnect my lips to hers. Jane, however, was determined to ask her question.

“Why did you do all this?”

“What do you mean? I just wanted to give you a good birthday,” I mumbled as I trailed kisses against her shoulder…

Jane took another step back, forcing me to stop. “I'm serious.”

“Jane, I'm not sure what you're asking me. I really just thought it would be a great surprise for your birthday. I wanted to do something really nice. Make this a birthday you'd remember.”

“But why?” Jane frowned and I could hear the distrust in her voice.

“I don't understand. Two minutes ago you were thrilled. What's the problem?”

“Are we okay?” She stepped back into reach again, placing her hands over mine. “You don't have to prove anything, you know. I knew what I was getting into with you. I don't expect you to fly to the other side of the world for dinner with me every time you think I might be lonely.”

“Jane...” I took her hands in mine and pulled them against my chest. “It's your birthday. The first one I've been around for. It's special to me too. It's not just because I thought you might be lonely.”

“I'm sorry. I don't mean to spoil things. I just don't want you thinking that you have to prove anything to me, or that this is some sort of competition. There isn't anyone else in my life right now. I meant it when I said I hadn't had time. That hasn't changed. I just thought you were worth trying a little harder for.”

I smiled and wrapped my arms around her waist, giving her a quick cuddle. “I know. I could have just sent a card or some more flowers, but as I said, I wanted this to be special too. And I missed you.”

Jane seemed to relax at that, her arms finding their way back up to my shoulders. “I missed you too. This really was a wonderful surprise. Thank you.”

“You know, I was doing some thinking on the flight here. I realized you had just turned twenty-one right before we met you in that diner.”

“About a month before, yeah,” she confirmed.

“You were still a baby, practically.”

“We were all so young then,” she pointed out. “Not that we're old now but... God. It seems like it was so long ago sometimes, you know?”

“You've only gotten better with age, Jane. I hope you know that.”

She gave me a misty-eyed smile. “You too.”

“Happy Birthday, Janey,” I told her. “I'm glad I got to spend it with you.”

“I am too.”

We fell back into each other's arms after that, that familiar warm desire filling me as our lips fused and my fingers tangled in her curls. Jane seemed to sway with every breath, a gentle rhythm that increased the more rousing our makeout session became. Her fingers again feathered across my face, mapping it, until she slipped one between our lips, holding mine closed while her head fell back.

“Let me put some music on...” she said in that same dreamy voice, her eyes opening slowly before she turned to engage her music player. I started moving a little with the music, and when she turned back to me her lips curled up in a smile and she seemed to be stifling a giggle.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she said quickly, trying to settle down but I could tell the giggle was still there. “You just... you look so...”

“Damn sexy?” I supplied, finding myself grinning back at her. “Hey, how about a stripper for your birthday?” I started unbuttoning my shirt and rolling my hips with the rhythm of the music.

“You are so ridiculous...” she laughed.

“Hey, I am a professional. I used to be a stripper you know...”

“Liar. You were not a stripper.”

“Sure I was. But it was a long time ago...”

“You move like you're standing against the wall at the seventh-grade dance with the rest of the chess club. There's no way anyone paid you to do that.”

“Ouch!” I clutched my chest and pulled a face. “These hips...”

“Should be put to far better use,” Jane supplied, pressing back in against me, her eyes crinkled with mischief.

“Oh, but I have something in mind, birthday girl,” I said, taking her hand and leading her across the room.

“I bet you do.”

I shrugged mysteriously before sitting Jane down on the end of the bed. Once again moving with the music I resumed unbuttoning my shirt, tossing it playfully over her head once I had removed it. She laughed as she pulled it aside, but her eyes grew wide when I dropped to my knees in front of her.

“Oh, I think I like where this is going...” Jane purred, flattening her hands on the mattress and leaning back as I moved into position.

“I thought you might.”

I placed one hand on the outer side of each ankle, rolling them across her skin as I traced my fingertips up the back of her calves, our eyes locked on one another. When I reached her knees I placed a kiss on each one before parting them, my fingers then sliding up the downy soft skin of her thighs while I moved in closer to her. Jane watched with heavy-lidded eyes, her delicate lips slightly parted. When I reached the curve of her hips and my hands found the silky material of her panties I paused, rising up and leaning in to taste that luscious mouth. Jane reached for my head, sliding her fingers into my hair as if to anchor me to her. I had other plans, however, and as I began pulling her underwear down her shapely legs I pulled back myself, leaning away as I maneuvered pink lace over her pointed toes and out of my way.

I pulled Jane a little closer to the edge of the bed with a tug on her thighs, carefully tucking the skirt of her dress up over hips, and then set in to tease her. Her skin was even softer under my mouth, and I enjoyed the way she whimpered when I caught it between my teeth. The longer I lingered there between her parted legs, her scent filling my nostrils, writing promises on her skin with my tongue, the more she opened up to me. There were fewer freckles here than on other parts of her body, her skin almost milky in its smoothness, private territory that was perpetually hidden from the sun, there just for me. It wasn't easy to not give in and simply take her right then – I could almost feel how good that silken pink orifice I was so carefully avoiding would feel wrapped around my already aching erection, but where would have been the fun in that? Any guy could give her a quick fuck. The last thing I wanted to be to her was just any guy.

I blew gently across Jane's core, casting my eyes up just in time to see her head fall back in pleasure. I grazed my fingers over her slick mound and I watched her, her tongue moistening her lips, her chest rising and falling in deep rhythm as I let the tension build. With a whimper she slid forward, wiggling her hips enticingly, but I had no intention of being hurried. Sticking to my leisurely pace I began to delve slightly deeper into her folds, peppering the swell of her stomach with kisses, knowing how badly she wanted me to move those kisses lower.

'Please....” Jane whined, giving those hips another shimmy.

“Well, since you asked so nicely...”

I drew my tongue lazily through her folds, giving a little attention to the ripe bud their apex. As I continued to torment her I was awarded with appreciative moans and pleas for more. By the time I breached her with a single probing digit she was a needy mess, her hair wild from being tossed, her fingers in her mouth as she struggled to maintain control.

“Oh god, Jared...” she whined again as I filled her with another finger before sucking her clit between my lips. I had to take my free hand to anchor her hips down, she was squirming so much. She mewled and purred as I continued, ramping up the intensity of her vocalizations, filling the candlelit room with their sounds until her pleasure finally spilled over. The muscles in her legs were twitching as I removed them from shoulders and stood up in front of her.

After the way she had just come I expected her to look a little dazed and loopy but, even though she was breathing hard, Jane just grinned back at me, mischief in her eyes, and pulled her dress off over her head. I went to finish disrobing too, racing to get a condom out of my pocket before pulling my pants off, but Jane was too far ahead of me. She only had to unfasten her bra, and she flung that at me like I had thrown my shirt at her earlier, then hopped on the bed on her knees. I realized there was nothing shy about Jane in the bedroom, she didn't mind showing her eagerness. It was a huge turn on for me.

Once I was ready I joined Jane on the bed, kneeling in front of her, placing my hand behind her head and scooping her lips to mine. I tried to press her back against the mattress but she didn't bend, instead placing her hands on my shoulders and giving me a little shove.

“I wouldn't be naughty if I were you,” I playfully admonished her. “We still haven't had the birthday spanking portion of the evening.”

“I'm not...” Jane trailed off and then shook her head and rolled her eyes. “I just want to be on top this time. Lie down.”

“What if I don't want to?”

“Now who's being naughty?”

I turned around so that my back was against the headboard and sat down instead, pulling Jane into my lap. It must have been acceptable because she didn't argue, letting me run my thumb over her swollen lips before stealing another kiss. As she reached between us to guide me inside her I placed my hand behind her neck, pressing our foreheads together. I couldn't resist watching her face as I filled her, her body intimately molding itself around mine, and she closed her eyes again as pleasure overtook her.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of her as she moved with me, her hips circling and retreating, little sighs escaping her lips. I smoothed her hair away from her face, watching some of her wildness dissolve, feeling something far more intimate charge the air between us. Once again I couldn't get over the wonder of having her in my arms, this strange, gentle, and fierce creature. I didn't know if I was just drunk on lust or if it was really something more, the lines all blurred when I was with her.

“Jane....” I whispered, feeling dizzy, not knowing what I needed to say but knowing I needed to say her name.

Jane kissed me again, nibbling at my bottom lip. I knew then that I needed to get control again, my skin was singing and everything was throbbing along with my rapid heartbeat, not just the part of me that was currently sliding in and out of Jane's sweet quivering depths. I grabbed her hair and pulled back on it, causing her to expose her throat which I then devoured with a savageness that surprised me. It wasn't enough. Whatever wild thing that been quelled in Jane was rising up in me, and I grabbed her waist, throwing her back against the bed before moving over her.

I entered her again with a growl, driving my hips forward with a primitive hunger. Jane gasped and drew her legs around me, absorbing this assault with the same enthusiasm she had shown all evening. Her cries became frantic as I went on, and she slipped her hand between us, searching for the tense junction of our bodies. It seemed to me that she was always impatient like that, ready for the finish, and this time I wasn't having it.

I pulled out and spun her around, intending to come in again from behind, but I had tossed her so carelessly onto her back previously that we were already near the edge of the bed. The new change in position pushed Jane over, her hands ending up on the floor to break her fall, the rest of her still on the bed, laid out in front of me. I realized that this effectively took her hands out of the equation, unless she wanted to end up face down on the carpet, and so I seized the opportunity. I brought my open palm against one of the firm globes of her bottom, a resounding smack echoing off the walls.

“I guess now we're up to the birthday spankings,” I joked before repeating the process on the other side. Jane squealed and laughed, but much to my relief did not try to wriggle away. I repeated the process again, one on each side. “Well, that's four. Only twenty-eight more to go.”

“You wouldn't,” Jane said, attempting to balance on one hand as she tried to put the other between us.

I moved her hand out of the way. “Try me.”

I brought my hand down again, a little harder this time, and Jane made a noise I couldn't quite decipher. I rubbed the reddened skin the blow had left behind, waiting for a reaction. She eventually turned and looked back at me, biting her lip uncertainly before placing the hand that she had been trying to shield herself with back on the floor.

“Twenty-seven,” she said shakily.

I couldn't really tell what she was getting out of this, if she liked it or not or was simply curious, but I could hear the uncertainty in her voice. Still, something in my veins surged in excitement. I decided to proceed carefully. I connected three more times, more softly than the last one. I noticed Jane's breathing had sped up and her head was all the way down now, her hair brushing against the floor. I tried again, twice, and a bit firmer, and apparently I had hit some magic medium because the next sound out of her was definitely a groan of pleasure.

I massaged her skin again, noting how red it already was, owing I'm sure to her fair complexion. “Twenty-two,” I pointed out before proceeding, this time going for five before stopping. This brought a long whimper out of her but she still hadn't tried to move away or stop me.

“Seventeen,” she finally panted out, and I thought I caught a note of defiance in her voice. I figured we'd test the waters all the way and went through the next ten in rapid succession, making sure to hit the last two on the same place.

“Oh god...” Jane wailed, breathing so fast now her shoulders seemed to shake. From the reaction I was getting I was a little surprised that she hadn't happened on this particular activity before, but she seemed to be as surprised by her own reaction as I was. I suppose having a guy smack your ass while he's pounding away isn't exactly the same thing as actually being spanked. We'd talk about it later but I was certain she was in novel territory here. “Seven,” she asserted once she had calmed down again.

I took my time through the next five, making her count back to me after each one. When we were down to two I brought her back up on her knees. I trailed kisses down her spine as I kneaded her abused backside, listening to the pleasured little sounds she was making. I pulled up again without warning, my hand connecting for the final two blows before plunging my cock back into her. She shouted and grabbed the carpeting underneath her, instantly coming apart as I drilled her as fast and hard as I dared. In minutes I was surrendering too, spilling with a groan felt like it should have made the lampshades rattle. Jane collapsed as soon as I finished, causing both of us to tumble to the floor where we lay spent for a few minutes before I eventually got up and tossed the condom I had been using into the trash. I grabbed my briefs and pulled them on before sitting back down next to Jane.

“You okay? “ I asked as I helped her sit up.

“Uh huh,” she slurred, a smile already creeping in at the corners of her mouth. She gave herself another minute to catch her breath and then crawled across the room, grabbing something from a bottom drawer before getting up and walking toward the bathroom. “Wait there,” she instructed.

Jane emerged again a few minutes later in fresh underwear and a Pink Floyd t-shirt, her face and hair freshened up. She grabbed and a few cold bottles of water from the fridge and the cake off the table, and walked back to where I was sitting on the floor in front of the bed before sitting it down between us. She handed me a water and then happily stuck her fingers into the cake and tore off a piece, turning it so that the newly mangled side was facing her and the fresh one was facing me. She made a few happy purring noises as she took a bite. “Wow, this is really good.”

I grabbed a piece myself, and after I had sampled it I had to agree. “Sorry about the lack of utensils,” I apologized.

Jane shrugged. “It's kind of fun this way.”

“Are you sure you're okay?”I asked again. “I kind of got the impression that the spanking thing was new for you.”

Jane shrugged again, and this time I'd swear I could see her blushing, the first hint of shyness I had ever seen out of her in the bedroom. “Yeah. I am and it was but...” She grinned and dropped her eyes. “I'm good. And so were you.”

I reached over and drew up her chin, sliding back in for a frosting flavored kiss. “You know, I can go grab that box that Roger sent....”

Jane gave me a playful shove. “Don't push your luck.” She took a long swig of her water. “God, I hope I don't wake Marisol. She probably thinks I'm some crazed sex fiend over here.”

“Maybe I'll send  _ her _ some flowers.”

“It probably wouldn't hurt.” Jane slid the cake forward and scooted in next to me, tucking herself under my arm. “I had a really great day today. Thank you.”

I pulled her against my chest. “I did too. I wish it wasn't going to be so long until we got to see each other again. But I've got the VMAs, and then Japan....”

“Hey, we knew what we were getting into with this. Let's not get too caught up in what we can't have and just enjoy the time we do get to spend together. Maybe I can fly out and see you next time.”

“Maybe. Emma should have sent Marisol my schedule. I know she has yours.”

“I'm sure she did. And maybe we can make the Kathmandu thing work too. I know you'd have a blast and I've never brought a friend along before.”

I felt that in my stomach. “Friend?”

Jane's shoulders tensedl. “Jared, you know what I mean.”

“I didn't think we were just friends.”

“I didn't say  _ just _ friends. I said friend. You're still my friend.”

“I thought I was more than that.”

“You are, Jared. How am I not making myself clear here? Being a friend is a valuable thing. We can be so much more to each than that, sure, but we have to be friends first. If not, what kind of a relationship do we have? If we aren't friends, at the end of the day, aren't we just fucking?”

“We are not just fucking.”

“I know that.”

“Then I don't understand why you can't at least call me your boyfriend.”

“Because that comes with some responsibilities I'm not sure I can fulfill.”

I set my water bottle down with a grunt. “And we're back to thinking I'm a whore.”

“Wow. Are you always this cranky after sex?”

“Jane, I don't see why you can't see how crazy I am about you. If we can still be friends and date, then why does being my girlfriend come with so many stipulations in your mind? I want a word to tell people you're more than someone I order pizza with on the weekends sometimes. The details of that relationship are our business.”

“It's not the stipulations that I think it comes with that are the problem.”

I sighed. She was probably right. I was pushing not just because I wanted to be able to talk about her, but also because I wanted Jane to be mine, completely mine, not available for someone else to come along and scoop up. “I promise I won't expect anything from you that you aren't willing or ready to give me, Jane. Can we just at least make it semi-official that we are indeed dating? You can be my girlfriend who is keeping her options open and we'll just shorten that to girlfriend when I introduce you to someone.”

Jane laughed. “You are so damn stubborn. I have a stubborn boyfriend."

"Almost as stubborn as my girlfriend."

 


	16. Chapter 16

  
     May passed in a blur of hotel rooms, radio studios, fundraisers, and airport shuttles, punctuated with wistful Skype calls with Jared that ultimately left me more frustrated than anything else. Mars had only had a few tour dates in May, but that was mostly due to Jared being booked solid on other commitments, and between the two of us, we were as overscheduled as two people could possibly be. By the time June rolled around, whenever I called I could see the tired puffiness in Jared's eyes, puffiness that matched my own. I missed him terribly but there was nothing to be done about the situation. We both had our commitments.

  
     My book tour finally rolled down in June, and the first thing I did was fly home and sleep for most of three days. Jared's tour had picked back up again with nearly back to back European shows, and Roger was finishing up part of a shoot in the Czech Republic. The house felt empty without him and his big presence. We'd only lived there for a few months before we both had to leave, and I couldn't seem to find the vibe of my normal life there no matter how hard I tried. I hadn't made many friends in LA yet, I was still miserly with my personal attachments, and I found myself with nothing to distract me from a sort of creeping loneliness. Since Roger and Gretchen had worked things out the bakery was no longer off limits, so I popped down there for a late lunch in hopes that she might find some time to sit down with me and chat. 

  
     The bakery had a small cafe attached; a small room with a coffee house vibe that was what had initially drawn me and Roger in. It was scattered with granite topped bistro tables, tall upholstered dining chairs, and lots of plants. There was a fireplace along one wall, and a low leather sofa and some matching chairs that sat in front of it. This late in the afternoon the lunch crowd had already gone, and Gretchen was busy wiping down tables. She looked up as I came in and a smile of recognition spread across her face.

  
     “Jane! You're back in town!” she called out as she tucked the towel she had been using into the front pocket of her apron. “It's so good to see you again. How are things?”

 

  
     “Odd,” I confessed as I walked past the counter. “This doesn't quite feel like home yet. Not when I'm alone in that big house.”  
Gretchen nodded knowingly before making her way behind the display case. “I can see how you would feel that way. You just need to give it some time.” She pulled out a tray. “The usual?”

  
     “Yes, please.”

  
      I watched as Gretchen pulled a tub of my favorite salad filling out of the cooler and made me a sandwich on one of her bakery's big flaky croissants. She added a half salad and two lattes before taking the tray over to one of the small cafe tables.

  
     “Justin, I'm taking my break,” she called out to the teenager at the register as she directed me to one of the tables. Whether it was Gretchen's sunny disposition or the way the faux fireplace flickered comfortingly a few feet away I could quickly feel myself settling down. She set the salad and one of the lattes in front of her and watched me with patient brown eyes until I had settled in with my lunch. “Come on and fill me in.”

  
     “Not much to tell,” I said as I blew on my coffee. “I've just been sleeping and puttering around the house. I'm thinking about getting new furniture for the sun porch. The wicker feels so dated...”  
Gretchen rolled her eyes. “That's not what I mean. Tell me about that gorgeous boyfriend of yours. Have you seen him again? Are things getting steamy?”

  
     I was surprised Roger hadn't filled her in. “Yes. To both questions,” I replied with a little blush, thinking of the night Jared and I had spent together on my birthday, the last time I had seen him. “At least they were getting steamy. It's been six weeks since we were together. I mean, we talk and all, but I miss him, you know?”

  
     “Yeah, I know, believe me,” Gretchen replied with a sigh and I remembered that it had been a while since she had been able to be with Roger.

  
     “I'm sorry. Of course you know.”

  
     “Well, Roger will be back in a little over two weeks. How much longer until you get to see Jared?”

  
     “I don't know, actually. I'm supposed to be working on this teaser for my agent, but I'm thinking of putting that off until later. I can't seem to settle down and write anything, my head is too full. I'm leaving for Nepal next Wednesday, then I've got a fundraiser in New York, an awards dinner there, and then vacation at my parents' house. Jared's schedule is even worse than mine, full all the way until September, to be honest. He's wrapping up some tour dates, and then he starts shooting a movie, and they're doing this video in Antarctica... it's crazy. And of course you know that Roger starts shooting in Wales in September, and I have that mini UK tour, and I was going to meet up with him some then, and didn't Jared say he had more concerts in September? Why am I just now remembering that?”

  
     Gretchen laughed. “Breathe, hon. Wow, that's a lot of dates to juggle. I can't decide if the two of you are really great at time management or really bad at it. Don't you plan time off?”

  
     “The Nepal trip and the trip to my parents are supposed to be time off.”

     “Well, it doesn't sound like you're very relaxed about it.”

     “No, it's not that, I'm not stressed about those dates. I'm actually really looking forward to the Kathmandu Valley trek I'm doing, and of course I miss my parents. But dating Jared has seriously complicated things. It's one thing to be this busy. It's another thing to have to fit a relationship in on top of it. Then to try to fit in a relationship with someone who's even busier than me... I wasn't kidding all this time when I said I was too busy to date. I don't know if I can do this, Gretchen. And that terrifies me because I want so much for this to work. I love being with Jared.”

     Gretchen smoothed her curls and regarded me for a moment. “Well, maybe you just need to get creative.”

     “Please tell me you're not about to suggest some version of phone sex because seriously, I'm already over the Skype dates...”  
     

     “No. I just meant maybe you need to think differently about your plans and time off. There has to be somewhere in there to shoehorn in a day or two together. What does Jared have to say about all this?”

     “He misses me too. But he can't exactly drop his tour to hang out with me.”

     “Who says he has to? You said you were probably going to drop that thing for your agent so you have a few extra days off. Where is he now?”

     “Uhm... Germany. I think.”

     “Then why are you here?”

     “Well... I was exhausted..." I hedged.

     “Okay, are you still exhausted?”

     “No, but it's complicated. I can't just fly out there and hang out with him.” I frowned and pushed my sandwich away from me. “How much has Roger told you about...”

    “Jared's brother who broke your heart and made you swear off dating for four years?” Gretchen cut me off.

    “Okay, so I guess the subject has come up,” I chuckled, trying to shake loose the gloom I could already feel settling around the table. 

     “Yes, Roger's not the best secret keeper. To be fair though, I grilled him pretty hard about how on earth you ended up dating Jared Leto. So he told me everything.” I must have gotten a look on my face at that point because she hastily added, “Yes, that too. Please don't be mad at him though.”

     "I'm not mad, but I am surprised. Roger is actually one of the best secret keepers I know. He never tells someone else's secrets without a reason. It can be hard to even get him to reveal much about himself. He must really like and trust you."

     Gretchen blinked in surprise. “Wow. He is so open with me about everything I just assumed I guess. I hope you're right about that, about how much he likes me. I'd hate to think it's just me that's so smitten. But we aren't talking about me and Roger. You were about to tell me why you can't possibly go see Jared even though you're missing him so much you can't even be alone in your own house.”

     “It's not... it's just... I mean the last time that we were all in the same room together Roger and Jared nearly came to blows and I slapped Shannon. If Roger hadn't grabbed me I'd have done it again. The worst part wasn't even all that though, it was the things he said...and the ones that I said back.”

     Gretchen seemed to consider the situation carefully. “Does Jared think that Shannon will react like that again?”

     “Well, we haven't specifically talked about that,” I mumbled as I stared at the table. Although that was technically true, Jared had urged me several times to fly out and see him. I was the one who was too afraid of how Shannon might react, and it wasn't just Shannon's reaction I feared. My own emotions were a toxic soup. I was afraid of more anger from Shannon, more hurtful remarks, or some underhanded trick like the e-mail stunt he had pulled. Even more, I was afraid I would see hurt in his eyes, that I would feel guilty about my relationship with Jared and things would be spoiled. “What if he isn't angry? What if he's just hurt to see me and Jared together.”

     “Then he'll have to grow up and get over it,” Gretchen supplied matter-of-factly. "He's an adult, not a teenage boy."

     “No, that's not what ...” I swallowed as I tried to find the words. “If he's hurt, and I feel bad... what does that mean? Does it mean I still care? And if I feel guilty for being with Jared, does that mean that deep down I know that it's wrong?”

     “It means that you're human and kind and that you don't like to see people hurting no matter what they might have done to you. That isn't something you should feel bad about.”

  
     “Maybe,” I said, unconvinced. “I think I'd rather he yell at me again. If I had to choose between the two options.”

  
     “I think there's a third option that you're even more afraid of.”

  
     “What?”

     “That he won't care. That you'll show up on Jared's arm and Shannon will just say hello and keep on walking. Like it's nothing.”

  
     “No, that would be ideal,” I said, but it felt like a lie. I hadn't even considered that as one of the possibilities, but now that Gretchen had mentioned it, it made me far sicker to think about it than anything else. Perhaps my subconscious had kept that particular scenario buried for a reason.

  
     Gretchen reached across the table and took my hand. “All right. But it's okay to want him to care. And it's okay to still have some feelings about him. From what Roger tells me, things were very intense between you two. Just don't let it derail what you have now with Jared.”

  
     “I am letting it get in the way, aren't I? Maybe I'm doing that on purpose though. Subconsciously I mean. Keeping things from getting too intense with Jared so that I don't get hurt again. So maybe I do, on some level, think I shouldn't be with Jared? But he makes me so happy..."

  
     Gretchen dropped my hand. "Oh my god, you have got to get out of that head of yours before you make yourself crazy. I get you don't quite trust yourself yet, but if you're waiting for some guarantee that no one is going to get hurt, well that's not how relationships work."

  
     "I suppose you're right..."

  
     “Of course I am. So when's your flight?”

 

######  
  
     I went home and pulled up the schedule Jared's assistant had sent over. As I compared the dates I blinked several times, thinking maybe I was seeing them wrong. How could I have missed this? I flipped over to Roger's schedule, confirming what I saw. If I was able to catch a sleeper flight tonight, I could join Jared in Italy, follow along with the band for five days, and then we could meet up with Roger in Prague. From there I could just head straight to Kathmandu. Everything fitted together perfectly. It was just a matter of booking and changing some flights. I knew it would be okay with Jared if I came. He had been asking for weeks. I had just let my fear of seeing Shannon again keep me from agreeing.

  
     Marisol got all the information and made the arrangements for me, booking me into a hotel down the road from where the band would be staying so I could both surprise Jared and avoid Shannon if necessary. Once I had finally landed and stood at the marble-topped reception desk at the Relais dell'Orolgio my heart started to race, and not for the right reasons. I had a sudden and unmercifully vivid vision of exactly what had happened the last time I tried to surprise my touring boyfriend at his hotel.

  
_Everything will be okay, Jane. You two aren't exclusive, you've made that crystal clear, so if he's with someone it's not a betrayal of you. You're going to call him and not just pop up at his door. There won't be any ugly surprises. He wants you here. He's going to be happy to see you._

  
     In spite of my little pep talk, I still had to take a shower to wash away the nervous sweat I had broken out in and calm my nerves. Once I had finished and redressed, I stretched out on the bed with my phone in my hand while I surveyed my surroundings. The hotel was a converted 14th century home and since such rooms tended to run small, Marisol had booked me a suite. It was a beautiful space, with exposed wooden beams in the ceiling in one area of the room and exposed brickwork in the other. A shuttered window opened onto the narrow street below. It had a very Italian feel to it, and I hoped I could persuade Jared to spend the night here rather in whatever modern accommodations they had probably ended up in

.   
     I tapped the screen of my phone a few more times, wondering what Jared would be up to right now. They should have arrived from their previous stop well over an hour ago, but I knew that schedules on the road were sometimes just a suggestion. I didn't want to catch him before he even got into town. I told myself it would spoil the surprise, so I texted Shayla instead, the whole time wondering if I was really just putting off the meeting out of fear. Maybe inviting myself along for almost an entire week was a bad idea.  

  
     Shayla responded within minutes.   
__**  
He should be in his room already. Call him. He'll be thrilled.**  
  
     I sighed at the screen. I hadn't said I was anxious but obviously she had picked up on my hesitation. I took a deep breath and selected Jared from my contact information before taking a seat in front of that darling little window. He picked up after only the second ring. I smiled, knowing that phone of his was in his hand as usual.

  
     “Hey, Jane. This is a surprise. What time is it there? Did you stay up really late or just get up really early?'

   
     I opened the window and let the sounds of the street filter into the room. “Oh, I was out all night. I didn't sleep at home.” I told him, thinking of my transatlantic journey.

  
     “Oh.” His voice instantly became oddly flat. “Yeah, I mean it's none of my business I guess, you've been clear. I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have asked.”

  
     “What? No, you dolt, but I bet you get a lot of exercise jumping to conclusions like that. I was on a plane. I slept on the flight.”

     “Oh! God, I'm sorry," Jared quickly backpedaled. "I'm just tired and turned around I guess. We just got to Italy and It's been a little crazy this leg. This week especially. Too much time off I think, and everyone is having trouble getting back into the swing of the tour. I miss you so much.” I heard the noise fade and a click as a door shut in the background. I wondered if he was expecting one of our steamy phone sessions or if he just wanted a little privacy. Of course, he was supposed to be in his own room, so who could he possibly want privacy from? My stomach tightened.

     "I'm sorry. I guess I'm interrupting something.”

     “No, I was just unpacking. Nothing for you to interrupt. But I thought you were supposed to be done with the tour and getting some proposal written? Where did you have to fly to?”  
 

    I chastised myself for doing the same conclusion jumping I had just accused Jared of. It was none of my business who he was with in that hotel room, and the reason it was none of my business was my own stupid need to keep him at arm's length. If I wanted to change the terms of our relationship I needed to talk to him about it, not get into a snit over a closed door. “Well, I didn't have to fly anywhere, but I wasn't feeling at home in the new place by myself so I thought I'd get out of there for a while.”

     “Did you fly back to New York? You did say you kept the old place there right? God, I'd love to be there right now. Maybe when we have a free weekend we could go stay, hit the museums and maybe go out with some people? You know, like a real couple?”

     “No, not New York,” I said mysteriously, ready to lead him to my surprise. “So where are you right now? Italy? Where in Italy?”

    “Pisa. Have you been? It's beautiful. We should take a vacation together soon. It would be nice to have your undivided attention for a few days.”

     I felt my lips drawing up into a smile. He was so insistent. There was nothing petty in his requests for more of my time, just an honest desire for the company of a girlfriend he already saw too little of. It wasn't like I didn't feel that way too. The situation was frustrating, being separated from him as much as I was when it felt like we had only just started. I realized flying here was the best decision I could have made. My insecurities were ridiculous. “Would you like to show me around Pisa sometime?”  
Jared hesitated for a second “Well, I don't know about Pisa. I've only been here a few times on tour myself, but we could explore the city together. That would be a lot of fun.”

     “Why don't you go exploring now and you can give me a full report?”  
Jared laughed. “I do actually have an afternoon free but I'm probably going to stay in and work some things for the video shoot. I can wait for you.”

    “Hmmm. That's a shame. You're at the NH Pisa right?”

     “Yeah, the .. wait, how do you know that?”

     “I have your itinerary, remember? Anyway, that's a gorgeous area. You know, if you head out of the hotel and hang a right, go down about two blocks, there is the adorable little pensione, an older place with a doorman out front...”

     I could hear realization dawning in Jared's voice. “Jane, where exactly did you fly to last night?”

     I continued on. “... and from what I understand, room 327 has a gorgeous view of the piazza. You should really go see it.”

     There was a sound on the other end of the line like a hungry growl. “God, you are fucking perfect. You have no idea how good your timing is. Give me ten minutes.”

    “You have five.”

    “I'll take fifteen then," Jared said defiantly.

     “Oh goodness, I'm so tired from this long flight," I sighed dramatically. "I might just fall asleep and not hear the door. You know, if someone were to knock on it, in this mysterious hotel room that I have in no way told you the location of.”

     “Ten minutes, Jane. And don't you dare refuse to open that door to me.”

     “What are you going to do about it if I do?”

     There was another one of Jared's growls, and the sound settled right behind my core. "Make sure it's a mistake you never make again." 

     Before I could give him another smart assed answer the line went dead. I smiled at my phone and waited for his visit. 

 


	17. Chapter 17

 

   I stared at the door, chewing my nails, waiting for Jared to knock. I was so consumed with the promise of seeing him again that I was unable to do anything besides wait for him. I leaned against one of the chairs and felt my heart racing and my palms beginning to tingle in excitement. I tried to calm myself down but I was like a kid on Christmas morning, waiting to be allowed to get at the tree, and when the knock I had been waiting for finally happened, I raced joyfully to the door to fling it open.

   My stomach flipped at the site of him. Jared looked as handsome as always, caused my skin to flush just like he had in the beginning. Now that I was actually seeing him, now that he was, on some level, mine, that flutter he had started had only grown more intense. In moments like this, he probably could have asked me anything and I would have agreed. I certainly wasn't going to protest when he burst through the room and swept me into his arms, pressing me back against the door as he closed it.

   “God, I've missed you,” he whispered against my skin between kisses, that voice of his like silk. “Thank you for coming out to see me.”

   “I should have come sooner,” I apologized as I wove my fingers into his hair.

   “It's okay. You're here now.”

   Jared pushed me further against the solid wood door behind me, pressing against me so that I had nowhere to go, forcing a sort of surrender. I didn't mind – again, when he touched me like this I would have given him whatever he wanted – I just settled in and enjoyed the feel of being with him again.

   “I'm sorry,” he apologized as his hands hungrily tugged at my clothing, his words oddly disconnected from his actions. “I know we should talk but it's been 44 days of talking on the phone with you and now that I'm touching you again, I don't want to stop.”

   I was already too far gone at that point to pull back, as drunk on lust as he was, and I managed to mumble and affirmation before pulling his shirt off. He got the hint.

   The rest of our clothes were quickly shed and we satisfied our hunger right there where he had captured me against the door, it's cool surface slowly heating as my back slid against it in time with Jared's thrusts. It was all over as quickly and intensely as it had begun, and only then did we find our way to the bed. We collapsed there in a satiated puddle, taking in the mess we had made as we tossed our clothes about.

   “Hey, this is a nice room,” Jared finally said as he reached his toe over to hook his t-shirt.

    I laughed. “Thanks. Marisol found it, but I think Emma helped.”

   “What would we do without them?”

   “Wander the globe aimless and lost, probably.”

   Jared shook his head. “Nah. I'd be lost but you're good at schedules and things. You'd be fine.”

    “Oh, I don't know. I think I've gotten rather spoiled the last few years. But you're right, you'd definitely be a wreck.”

   “Hey,” Jared laughed, giving me a little shove. “You sure turned on me quickly there.”

   I grabbed the shirt Jared had lifted from the floor and pulled it on over my head. “How long do you have until you have to be back?”

   Jared frowned and fished around until he came up with his phone. “A little over an hour and a half,” he said as he checked it. “I've got a few interviews set up back at the hotel. I can take you out to dinner though.”

   “I don't know...” I hesitated. “Could we maybe just order room service?”

   “Don't you want to go out? I remember you loved to go out, but you always seem to find a reason to stay in with me. What's wrong?”

   “I'd just rather not have people taking photos of me and speculating about my personal life,” I mumbled. I didn't want the prying that came with a public relationship, and I definitely didn't want to get photographed with Jared again. One photograph in Los Angeles was easy enough to explain away. If I were caught here in Pisa it would be much more obvious.

   “Jane, there probably won't be anyone to spot us tonight. The only reason we got photographed back in Los Angeles was that someone else was dining there that night and the paparazzi was there for them. It's not like you haven't been photographed out the town with boyfriends before. I remember seeing a hell of a lot of pictures of you out with Angus....”

   I bristled. “That's exactly why I don't like it.”

   Jared scowled at me for a moment before responding. “I see I'm once again competing with the ghost of boyfriends past. How many people are in this relationship, Jane?”

   “It's not like that, Jared,” I protested, Roger's voice already mocking me in my head. _It's not like that, It's not like that._.. but was I kidding myself? “It's because I don't want everyone else in this relationship. This is just us, just ours right now. We have this bubble that I want to protect...”

   “We can't live in a bubble, Jane. You are going to have to take a real chance on me sooner or later. I'm not them, I'm not the guys that hurt you before...”

    _No, you'll just hurt me in a whole new way_ that nasty voice in my head said before I could get in another thought. My head knew what was up. “I don't want to be like this...” I whispered as I sat back down on the bed next to Jared.

   Jared cupped my cheek in his hand. “I get it, Jane. I really do. And I hate that it feels like I'm constantly pushing you, but you need the push. You've stopped moving, and it's not healthy.” He gave me a little kiss on the tip of my nose. “I tell you what, I'll give you tonight. We'll order room service and stay here. But tomorrow you're coming to sound check and the show.”

   “But...” I started to protest but I stopped. He knew why I wouldn't want to go. I certainly didn't need to explain it. Jared understood exactly what he was asking of me. But he had been incredibly patient and accommodating to me from the moment he had seen me again. He deserved a little more effort from me. I was determined to give it to him, no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel. “Fine.”

   Jared seemed surprised by my acquiescence. “Really? You'll come?”

   “Yes, Jared. I'll come to hang out tomorrow. It would be nice to see you perform again.”

   The grin he gave me in return told me I had made the right decision. “Thank you. You don't know what it means to me.”  
I suspected I did. I remembered the words he had sleepily mumbled to me after our first night back together. I wondered when I would find the courage to say them myself.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

   Jared was nearly an hour late getting back for dinner. He was turning out to be an odd mix of demandingly punctual and inexplicably tardy. It somehow made it more irritating than if he were just habitually late. I decided it was a discussion for another time, however. I just wanted to enjoy his company and not think about what was coming tomorrow.

   We lingered over pasta and salad, mostly talking work. Jared explained why the last week had left him so stressed out. A production group they were using for their upcoming video shoot had pulled out at the last minute -- which was additionally causing issues with some permits in a way I wasn't entirely following – there were a lot of little problems with the shows, things that Jared attributed to laziness and inattention on the part of the people responsible for them so he had taken to trying to oversee everything himself, and Shannon had been giving him grief about wanting some time off. I wondered if that last part had anything to do with our current situation, but Jared changed the subject before I could dig any further into it.  
Jared was exhausted, and after dinner we pretty much went straight to bed, tangling together between the sheets. Once our passion had once again been spent Jared quickly drifted off to sleep. I, on the other hand, was wide awake. I wasn't sure if it was due to jet lag or worry over tomorrow's almost certain meeting with Shannon, but either way, sleep eluded me until I couldn't take lying there and staring out into the dark room anymore. I got up and pulled one of the chairs over so that it was sitting next to the window but facing the bed. I wrapped myself in one of the blankets before settling in, watching Jared sleeping peacefully in front of me and listening to the sounds of the piazza drifting in through the open window.  
Jared stirred after a while, and when he spotted me there he rolled sleepily onto his back, tucking one hand behind his head. “What are you doing up at this hour?”

   “Can't sleep,” I simply offered.

   “Have you slept at all? Are you okay?”

   I sighed and regarded him. His skin took on an almost ethereal glow as moonlight bathed it, highlighting his fine features and nearly taking my breath away with his physical beauty. How on earth I had ever caught this man's attention puzzled me, and I had the oddest sensation as I watched him studying me in return, almost like vertigo. I blinked and gripped the arms of the chair, taking a few deep breaths as I felt a need to steady myself. “Do you ever just stop and look at where you are?: I asked him when it had passed.

   “I'm not sure what you mean.”

   Of course he didn't. It was such a vague question, so random from his point of view. I tried to clarify. “Where you are. I mean, not this room or this city, but where you truly are. Like...I grew up in this little town in Indiana. My family, they're all really nice, normal, happy people. I could have had that life too, there with them all surrounding me. But that wasn't enough for me. I wanted to travel, wanted to write, and that was honestly all I truly hoped for … being able to make enough money to support myself while I very modestly traveled as much as I could. I pictured myself backpacking and taking trains....” I stopped and chuckled, thinking of the way teenage me had pictured my life. “I mean, sure, Roger and I used to joke around about moving to Hollywood and becoming famous, but I never really thought it would work out that way. It seemed so ridiculous, too big of an ask to come true. I guess I just thought I'd live a slightly more glamorous version of the quiet life I was born to. But look at us now. Roger has had this really amazing modeling career, and we jetted all over the world with rich, pretty people, and I almost married one of them. He's now working on his big acting break, paparazzi are already stalking him, and the series isn't even finished shooting yet. Look at me. I've published four novels now, each one more popular than the last. I have my own groups of fans, although they're mostly quiet and well behaved and don't stalk me. Even that's not enough though, because I just blew off my publisher and working on a series to replace the one that's already so successful it has me on an international tour to promote it, to jet off to Italy for a clandestine meeting with my boyfriend, the heartthrob actor and rockstar. Fuck Jared. When I step back and really see it all, it makes me dizzy. It's surreal and sort of terrifying.”

   Jared smiled and started to say something but then his expression changed. “Wait. International tour? You just mean the UK thing right?”

   I shook my head. “No. They added some European stops. This series is taking off like …. shit I don't even know right now. It's all too much, really. I'm not sure I know how to do this.”

   “You're going to be fine, Jane. Better than fine.”

   Jared sat up in bed and opened his arms, beckoning me to him. I left the window open and crawled back into the bed, stretching myself out next to him. I didn't realize how cold my skin had gotten until I touched his sleepy warmth, and I let my cheek come to rest against his chest, enjoying the rise and fall of it. “So when did you find out about these new dates?” he finally asked in measured tones.

   “Just a few days ago. It's not until September, and it's just a couple of weeks. Why do you sound upset?”

   “I'm not upset,” he answered a little too quickly. “I'm really proud of you. But when exactly do they expect you do any new writing when they have you constantly running all over the planet?”

   I sat up and looked at him. He may have been a good actor in front of a camera but right now he was doing a lousy job of it. His jaw was tight and he was looking straight ahead, not at me. “Liar. You mean when am I going to have time to spend with you.”

   “No, I didn't. Okay, maybe a little, but I am really proud of you, you know that right?”

   “More than a little. And I do get that. You're on tour in September anyway, so what's the big deal? You won't have a lot of time for me then either.”

   “I'm sorry. I know I'm being selfish. I'm good at that, believe me. But fuck, trying to carve out time with you is so frustrating. I want you to be successful, I want that for both of us, but this is just getting crazy... “

    I sighed and pulled the blanket around me a little tighter. “This is why I haven't bothered trying to date in years. It's just too hard, and I already hate being without you so much. Let's be real here, you don't make time for relationships either. Neither one of us knows how to do this properly, not with these kinds of packed schedules. And of course only one of us has hordes of women throwing themselves at him every other night.”

   “You want women to throw themselves at you? Because you're pretty hot, in case you haven't noticed. We can probably work something out....”

  “You are such a jackass,” I laughed, shoving his shoulder playfully. “You know what I meant.”

  “I'm sorry. We'll figure this out.” He wrapped his arms around me and I was surprised at how quickly the unease that had started to fill the room melted away. It had felt as if we were on the verge of a fight all day, but I understood now the tension wasn't from some impending argument. We were essentially on the same page. Our frustration was with the situation we found ourselves in. All we wanted was some time to be together.

   “You know, when we started this we both had our schedules already laid out and packed full,” I pointed out. “I'm normally busy, but not this busy.”

   “Yeah, I'm extra busy right now too,” he conceded. “I guess our timing is just really bad.”  
Jared pulled me against him a little tighter, his long arms wrapping so far around my small frame that I think he probably could have doubled them around me, if arms bent that way. I had to fight back a chuckle at the image that evoked. “You know, maybe we could coordinate our schedules a little going forward. We don't necessarily have to give up any projects or anything, just maybe shift the time frames a bit.”

   “It's a possibility. Besides, after this movie, I think I'm taking a break from acting for a while. Going to focus on the music more.”

   “I swear you said something similar to that the first night I met you. You've been about to take a break for a long time now.”

   “Yeah, well this time I think the timing is actually right. Who knows, maybe I won't go back to acting at all. The band is really taking off, and although I love acting, the music is where my passion really is.” I hadn't been around to watch Jared when he was working on a movie, but I had seen him perform, and there was a light that seemed to come on inside him when he did.

   “I don't know how you do them both as it is, to be honest,” I confessed. “But I'm completely in awe of you. You have so much talent, and the drive to make it happen. It's a rare combination.”

   Jared ran his fingers through my hair, shifting so that he could look into my face again. He watched me with a dreamy expression on his face before he spoke. “Don't be afraid. Half the so-called movers and shakers out here came from nowhere too. Acting like they didn't is just part of the game. You are every bit as talented and driven as I am, and you deserve to be here just like me, and just like them. Don't doubt yourself for a second.”

   I brushed my lips against Jared's and then let my head come to rest on his shoulder. I had seen enough of him by now to know how he was, out there, in the world, with other people, with other women. I knew what kind of face he liked to put on things. More than that though, I knew how he had been with me. Not just since we had come into each other's lives again but every time we had met before. He had been kind and supportive when I was floundering, and not afraid to get in my face when he thought I was wrong or push me when he thought I needed it. He made me laugh, he challenged me but could also make me feel warm and safe. He made my heart flutter every time I looked at him. I had been so concerned about dating again, of letting myself make bad choices and become obsessed, but I realized those kinds of concerns were about behavior. I could always change and control my behavior. What I couldn't change or control was how I felt about him, and for the first time I realized that was okay. Falling for him didn't mean I had failed in my mission to be smarter this time around.

   “Jared?” I mumbled against his skin, my anxiety starting to fade into the warmth I felt in his arms.  
Jared wrapped his hands around my hair, bunching it into a ponytail and pulling it lightly until I lifted my face to his. “I can't understand you when you talk to my chest,” he joked, giving me one of those light pecks on my nose I was beginning to associate with his romantic moods.

   My nerve started to waver as I looked into his eyes, the same eyes that stunned me as he sat down in a diner booth across from me. His appearance through the years had changed, but those eyes had not. I flattened my palm against the side of his face and he closed them for a moment, giving me the window that I needed to gather my courage. “I love you.”

   Jared's eyes opened again quickly, and for an instant, I thought I read fear there. I thought I had made a mistake. His face quickly softened though, and when he kissed me this time it wasn't on my nose but my mouth, his fine lips pressing against mine until I felt like I was melting.

    “I love you too, Jane. This will all work out. We'll figure it out. Just have a little faith.”


	18. Chapter 18

  
“Wake the fuck up, Shan.”

Jared gave the end of the bed a hard kick and then went to open the heavy hotel drapes, letting in way more sunlight than I was ready for. A morning like a thousand others unfurled ahead of me. My brain hadn't engaged yet, and even though something tickled at the back of it like a firefly struggling in a Mason jar, I grabbed the nearest pillow and shielded my face. 

“Shannon, why the fuck did you pass out in my room last night?” 

Jared sounded irritated, and the little firefly hurried its wings, furiously bumping against the glass. There was a thick coating on my mouth and tongue and my nose and eyes burned. I took the pillow away from my face and went to sit up but the room lurched and my head pounded, so I laid back down with a groan. I tried to reach through the fog of my memory to figure out why I felt like this but there was nothing. What the fuck had I done last night? Why?

Jared started digging through his things and tossing them around the room, making as much noise as possible and swearing at me under his breath the entire time. That wasn't new either, but that tickle wouldn't go away.

“If I was here last night, where were you?” I mumbled into the pillow on my face.

“What?” Jared yanked the pillow away and I blinked at him before fumbling fruitlessly at the bedside table, hoping for a pair of shades.

“If I was here last night, then where were you?” I repeated. 

Jared growled. “You know where I was. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I turned that over in my head for a moment. Did I know? I thought back to the last thing I could remember clearly, which was Jared telling me he wouldn't be having dinner with the rest of us because... 

The little firefly fell into an exhausted heap on the sterile bottom of the mason jar. _Jane_. Jane was here. Jane was here to be with Jared. 

Things started falling quickly into place after that. I knew I had told him I didn't want to see them together but that was months ago. I had to get over it sooner or later and I'd done a good job of putting her out of my mind before she showed up at that party. I should be able to do it again, right? But that was a lot different than having her show up and date my brother. So I had dealt with it the way I dealt with any other complex emotion, which was to say, like an irresponsible, self-destructive, idiot. I had grumbled and told him it was fine then ran off to get completely bombed. 

Snippets of the previous evening filtered in like photographs from a crime scene. I had decided it was time to get back on the horse, so I'd gone out and find myself two. Women that is. Someone pointed me at a club that a lot of models hung out in, and I hooked a pair pretty much as soon as I walked through the door and started throwing money around. They were gorgeous and eager, and only one of them spoke a word of English. The other one had just whispered and giggled into her friend's ear all evening. I'd have ditched English Speaking Girl if she hadn't been the one doing the translating, she had the personality of wet sponge cake, but the giggling one was sort of adorable and so I had ridden out the evening. Besides, Giggly Girl had a truly spectacular pair of tits that I couldn't wait to see bouncing on top of me, so I had persevered. 

I don't think I actually intended to end up with both of them, I think I had just meant to keep my options open. The actual chain of events was a little blurry, but Annoying Friend met up with This Guy She Knew and the next thing I knew the drinks had been upgraded to a powder I hadn't even bothered to ask the identity of, and then things went from hazy to melt-y. We'd later smoked something together that, to my growing distress, I highly doubted was either nicotine or weed, _oh god what the fuck did I do last night_ and then the only other thing I could clearly remember was a lot of naked girl flesh and the reason I had crawled in here at the crack of dawn. The girls were still passed out in my bed. 

“Fuuuuuck,” I groaned, rolling over and slithering to the side of the bed. “What time is it?” I needed to get back to get rid of the girls and drink all the coffee I could find, followed by a bath in an entire hotel's worth of hot water. 

“It's a little before ten. You've got about an hour and a half before we have to be at the radio station. Take a fucking shower first. You smell like an old gym bag.”

Jesus, this day was shaping up spectacularly. I excused myself with an indistinct grumble and stumbled back to my own room, praying every step of the way. I absolutely had to get myself together. Not only would Jared shit the bed if he found out what I had been up to last night, but I couldn't face Jane this way. I couldn't let her see me like this. 

I figured the girls would still be asleep when I got back to my room but instead, Giggly Girl was sitting in the middle of my bed, playing with her phone. The bed had been stripped of what I presumed were the dirtiest of the sheets, and they lay in a pile at its foot. My visitor had straightened the rest of it and apparently showered and changed at some point. Considering the night we had she was impossibly fresh-faced and composed. I looked around for her companion, thinking perhaps she was in the bathroom but I found no one there when I checked. 

“Uh... where's your friend?” I said slowly, hoping the words were simple enough the girl could pick out the meaning. “Amica?” I added hopefully.

The girl smiled and stood up, and I wondered why on earth I had been so fixated on her tits. I mean yeah, they really were amazing, perfectly shaped and gravity-defying in a way that natural ones rarely are, but the rest of her was spectacular too. She was leggy and athletic, probably an inch taller than me, with dark hair, a dazzling smile, and that beautiful light olive Mediterranean complexion that Italian girls seemed to always be gifted with. I had definitely chosen well last night. Too bad I couldn't remember most of it. 

The girl had been making a phone call while I took her in and when it went through she handed it to me. “Uh, hello?” I said uncertainly into the receiver. 

“Hey, Shannon,” came an accented voice on the other end that I recognized as the friend from last night. “I had to go to work today, but Viola is really into you and she wanted to hang out. I'll be back to meet up with her in time for the show.”

_What?_ My brain screamed _. I cannot have some random girl with me today..._ “No. No, that's not okay. I have things to do before the show,” I protested. 

“Yeah, yeah, your ex. We know.” _Oh fucking Christ, Shannon, what the hell did you tell them?_ “Sorry. I can't get back before then. You'll have to work it out with her. Ciao.”

The line went dead and I looked at Giggly Girl, or rather Viola. Her dark eyes blinked at me expectantly, and she looked so earnest. Inexplicably, I didn't want to let her down. She was having the strangest effect on me, like a puppy that was somehow at the same time crazy hot. I wished I could actually talk to her. 

Hell, maybe having someone on my arm when I saw Jane again wasn't the worst idea. “Fine,” I said. “But you'll have to wait here while I got to an interview.”

Viola nodded, much to my surprise, and then pointed at the floor with a smile. 

“You understood that?” She nodded again. “You understand but don't speak English then?”

“A little. Slow,” Viola said haltingly, her accent thick as she struggled with the two words. I could understand that level of language competency. I was the same way with French. I had been around it enough that if you spoke to me slowly I could get the general gist of what you were saying but I couldn't begin to form a sentence. 

“Okay. Good. You'll stay with me when I come back?” I added in descriptive gestures as I went, walking with my fingers and pointing at the floor, and Viola smiled brightly as she gave me a vigorous nod of her head in return. 

“Sì, certo!”

Well, this was going to be fun. “Okay then. I'm just going to grab a shower, then we'll order some coffee and get you breakfast.”

The bathroom was equipped with a multi-head shower system, and I stood under the hot flow until I thought my skin would start to peel. When I returned to the bedroom with a towel around my hips, I saw to my delight that Viola had apparently misunderstood me. There was a tray from room service waiting and the rich smell of hot Italian coffee tickled my nose. I kissed her on the cheek and she beamed back at me. 

There were some fruits and pastries, sausages and few hard-boiled eggs. Not exactly the best hangover remedy but I was grateful for anything at that point. I quickly slipped on some pants, then I made a plate and sat down at the small hotel table across from Viola. She poured herself some black coffee and took a single strawberry, which she rolled between her fingers while simultaneously tapping away at her phone. After a few minutes, she thrust the phone at me.   
I looked at the screen to see she had been typing away in Google Translate. She thanked me for letting her stay, then asked how long I would be gone and when we would see, “the girl”. I swallowed hard before typing my answer. 

“I don't know,” I said as I handed the phone back to her, needing to say thing out loud even though I knew she didn't really understand. “I have to do a radio show, we're usually on the air for an hour or two with those. We should be back for lunch, then we'll have a little free time before we have to leave for sound check. I don't know when Jane is going to be here. Jared didn't tell me.”

Viola frowned at the screen. She popped the strawberry into her mouth, typed out a few sentences, then handed the phone back to me. As soon as her hands were free she pulled the utterly unscathed strawberry back out of her mouth and resumed rolling it between her fingers. It was odd, but considering she was probably a model, I didn't comment. I had seen enough weird eating habits out of models by now to know better than to say anything. 

“I will stay until you return. Maybe nap. Long night."

Long night was right. I could have slept through until tomorrow if I didn't have any other obligations. I considered it briefly anyway. Might have been worth it to see the fit Jared would have pitched, but then I thought of him running straight to Jane to bitch about it and I sobered up pretty fucking quick. I'd do the damn publicity bit.   
  


 

The show ran a lot longer than I anticipated and it was nearly three in the afternoon before we returned to the hotel. Emma went to arrange tables for us at the in-house restaurant and I went upstairs to retrieve Viola. She was sound asleep on top of my freshly made bed, dark hair fanned across her face and pooling on the pale green bedspread underneath her. I felt another inexplicable wave of affection as I gently prodded her shoulder to wake her. She greeted me with a sleepy smile and I marveled at how she could wake up in such a good mood. Her disposition was sunny, but not in an annoying, perky sort of way, but more like chill and open. She was probably even better company if you spoke her language. 

I was just thanking my lucky stars for the so far relatively Jane-free day when I spotted her, sitting at the table and chatting away with Tomo. That made sense, the two of them had gotten on famously when she had been with us before, and he was probably enjoying seeing her again. I put my hand at Viola's waist and steered her toward the table. 

“Where's Jared?” I asked when I realized that Jane was there without him.

“He forgot something in the room,” Jane said, not even turning to look at me. “And hello, Shannon.”

I started to apologize when Viola said, haltingly, “Jane?”

Jane looked up, startled. “Viola?”

What followed was a rapid stream of Italian, which apparently Jane spoke fluently. I was as bewildered as I was mortified until I began to connect the dots. Roger. The models Jane had said she had made friends with. I wondered how many of my conquests these last few years had been friends of hers? I needed to stop fucking models. 

“So, uh... you two know each other?” It was obvious, but I didn't know what else to say at that point. I was just desperate to stop the stream of Italian passing rapidly back and forth between the two of them. 

“Yes. I used to hang out with Viola's older sister,” Jane explained. 

Viola sat herself down next to Jane and I took a very uncomfortable seat next to Viola. I looked across the table to see Tomo fighting to keep a straight face. I let them chatter on for a moment, but when they began looking at each other then at me, I tried again to derail whatever was happening.

“So, I didn't know you spoke Italian.”

Jane seemed to take a breath before answering me. “Yes. I spent a lot of time in St. Moritz.”

I digested that and then connected some more dots. “Oh yeah. You said Angus's family had a place there.” I didn't want to be the only one suffering in ex-hell right now, but I stopped short of asking how Angus was. I had promised not to be a dick this time, and really, I didn't want to hurt Jane any more than I already had. I figured a little dig would put us both on even footing. After all, that was where Angus had been hiding out, fucking air headed socialites while Jane thought he was hard at work in South Korea. A mention was probably more than enough. 

Jane nodded and Viola asked her something and pointed at me. 

“Shannon, Viola wants to know why we broke up and why you are so anxious to see me again. What should I tell her?”

“Jane, please...” 

Jane shook her head and her expression softened. “It's all right, Shannon. I've got this.”

I don't know what she said to Viola, but it was long, and Viola listened intently before nodding her head, her expression sad. There was a little more back and forth while I squirmed and waited for someone to call me a name or throw something at me but nothing happened. The girls just continued to nod at each other soberly while casting me occasional glances. When Jane pointed at the hostess and they both nodded resolutely I finally snapped. 

“Oh, for fuck's sake, will someone please tell me what is being said?”   
The girls stopped instantly but said nothing. Instead, to my surprise, Viola put her hand over mine and kissed my cheek. 

“Hey, what's going on?”   
Jared's uncanny sense of timing had apparently activated and he slid into his seat, putting his arm around Jane and giving her a quick kiss. “Did anyone order yet? Who's your friend, Jane?”

I gave a sigh of the exhaustion I felt all the way into my soul. “She's...”

“Actually Shannon's date, but her sister and I use to hang out together when I was in Milan with Roger. Viola came along a few times. It's very nice to see her again.” Jane's voice was pleasant but she wasn't looking at me and I couldn't get a read on any of this. My stomach lurched, whether from the situation or after effects of last nights escapades, and I reached for the goblet of water on the table and downed most of it as I tried to think of a way out of this that didn't just get me in deeper shit. I decided it was probably best if I just shut up and ate. 

I ended up tearing through a steak, my body desperate to replenish whatever I had run out of it the night before. Jane and Viola both ordered salads, but Jane got hers with grilled chicken and a bowl and soup and she ate all of it. Viola got hers with no dressing and ordered a bowl of clear broth, which she drank half of while she rearranged lettuce leaves on her plate. 

_We're going to have to have a talk about that if we're going to..._ Going to what, brain? Was I seriously considering seeing her again? Was I actually contemplating a relationship with someone who didn't even speak the same language as me? I told myself I was crazy but then Viola looked at me again and gave me that damn gentle, uncomplicated smile and I stopped. 

It wasn't as if Viola had my undivided attention either. I had caught myself staring at Jane as she spoke, laughing while she caught up with Tomo, telling Jared about some crazy thing Roger had done, her delicate hands painting circles in the air. I was fascinated with those hands until I realized with a dizzy lurch why. I was watching her wrists for my bracelet. It wasn't there, and once I realized what I was doing I tore my eyes away, but not before Jane noticed and covered her wrist with her other hand and quickly moved it to her lap. 

I decided I needed to get out of there before I did something even stupider. It wasn't as if Viola was actually eating, so I excused both of us and started back to my hotel room. Viola stopped at the hostess stand and had a quick conversation with the bleached blonde woman in the tuxedo shirt and slacks that stood there. Sweat broke out on my palms, but Viola waved me over to them.

“She wants to tell you something,” the hostess said. I realized that Jane must have been telling Viola that the woman could translate for her. I didn't have time to wonder why Jane hadn't before the hostess continued. “She says Jane asked her if she was dating you.”

I held my breath as Viola fed more information to the woman before she continued her translation. “She told Jane she only just met you, but that she liked you very much. Jane told her that she hoped you like her too. That Viola should be careful, but that you were capable of great love. She asked Viola not to tell you until you had gone, but that you had a way of wrapping a girl in your love and taking them to great heights. Of making them feel like they were the only person in the world for you. That Jane only wished you had been able to love her like that.”

All the wind went out of me as I looked at Viola's dark eyes, questioning but soft with sympathy. I turned back to the table but Jane was gone, slipped away so as not to have to view the effects of her confession. She had it all wrong. She had everything wrong and I needed to put it right.  
  
  
  
  
  


 


	19. Chapter 19

Annoying Friend (who I found out was actually named Angela) kept her word and returned for the show that evening. With her help, I was able to make plans to meet up with Viola again the next week when we played in Milan. It turned out I really liked this girl. We had been able to chat more with Angela around, and as I suspected, she was cool and funny, a little sarcastic but mostly fairly chill and upbeat. But every time I started to relax and just go with it, I would catch a glimpse of Jane and a wave of guilt I couldn't quite sort out washed over me. I shouldn't have felt guilty, it wasn't as if Jane and I were in any way together now, and she had all but outright given me her blessing with Viola. So why did I feel like shit when I thought of her seeing us together?

  
Viola spent the night again, without Angela, and she stuck around until it was time to leave. I kissed her a long goodbye as we stood in front of the idling tour bus, my emotions a confused muck. More than anything I wanted to ask Jane about what she had said yesterday over lunch, it played over and over in my head, except for the moments where Viola was looking at me with those big brown eyes of hers. She hadn't asked any more questions about Jane, it didn't take a genius to work out that there was a bad breakup there. All in all, it was shaping up to be an awkward mess. 

Jared kept Jane on a tight leash the next few days, never letting her out of his sight for more than a few minutes, and never without someone else there to keep an eye on her. I began to suspect he realized I would want to talk to her and was doing his best to keep us apart. I was a little irritated, but I probably would have done the same thing in his place.

Jane mostly avoided speaking directly to me. We all shared a few meals together but other than that she hide out in Jared's bunk or Jared's room. I had woken from my own bunk several times on the road to catch her playing video games with Tomo, only to have her immediately excuse herself and retreat to the other end of the bus.   
  


It wasn't until four days later, when we were backstage for the Zurich show and Jared was off putting out some fire that could have easily been dealt with by someone else, that Jane and I found ourselves alone. She was perched on top of a giant black equipment case, swinging her feet in time with the music being piped out into the venue. It was bleeding in so softly back there I hadn't even noticed it until I saw the rhythm of her legs. She was dressed in ripped jeans and a Mars t-shirt, and even though her hair was blown out straight and once again looking like something out of a shampoo commercial, it floored me to see her looking like that.

I had learned, in that time before, that with Jane, you could easily read her mood by how she was dressed. For her, the expensive clothes and ladles of makeup were a sort of battle armor, something she put on as protection while she ventured places further from her comfort zone. Jeans and t-shirt Jane was unguarded Jane, but also confident Jane. When she dressed like that she was comfortable in her element. Jared's conquests usually showed dressed to the nines, wielding their physical beauty like a bludgeon, ready to smash anyone that got between them and Jared. When they did dress casually it was usually a studied, trying-too-hard kind of casual, jeans and a 'messy' bun with an hours worth of contouring, a wrinkled t-shirt that they just happened to pick up off the floor, but it was Jared's t-shirt and Jared's floor. They were as pissy and territorial as cats. Jane was none of that. She was just back there, listening to music, texting someone on her phone, just being relaxed and confident in her position and 100% Jane.   
  


She had always dressed to the nines when she went to shows with me.

"Hey, Janey," I greeted her.  
  


Jane looked up from her phone and quickly scanned the room as if searching for a missing bodyguard. It hadn't been Jared that was keeping her so closely watched over and chaperoned. It had been Jane. I hated that she seemed to be afraid to be alone with me, but I really had no one but myself to blame.

"Hi, Shannon," she said hesitantly, placing her phone down beside her.   
  


"Chatting with Roger?" I asked, hoping a little chit chat might put her at ease.

Jane smiled. "No. His girlfriend, actually."  
  


"He has a girlfriend?"

"Mm-hmm," Jane nodded but didn't elaborate. She stared at her toes but didn't pick her phone back up. I tried again.  
  


"You look good. Happy. Jared says you've been teaching?"

Jane nodded again. "Yeah, English to schoolchildren in Tanzania. It was a wonderful experience. I hope I'll get to do it again soon but I've been really busy."  
  


"Wow, that's uhm..." I trailed off as I realized I didn't really know what to talk to her about. She'd always been just a little outside my reach, but a lot of things seemed to have changed with her. Jared had mentioned a thing or two but there were still so many gaps.

"Shannon," Jane began. Her tone was rife with exasperation and I feared she was going to cut the conversation off so I swallowed and went for broke.   
  


"Why did you say what you did to Viola?"

Jane's feet finally stopped swinging and she looked at me. Her expression was flat and when she spoke her voice was too. "I said it because it was true. When you love someone you're wonderful."  
  


"That's not what I meant. The part about wishing I could have loved you. I did, Janey. I loved you so much. I still..."

"No, you didn't, Shannon. Maybe you like to tell yourself that you did, but it's not true."  
  


"Don't say that. How could you even fucking think that? "

"You made a conscious decision over and over again that you had to know would break my heart. That's now how you treat someone you love."  
  


I didn't want to hear that point so I just blundered on with a different one. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I never meant for any of it to go like that. I just..."

Jane made a growling noise. "Do you really want to do this now, Shannon, before you go on stage?"  
  


"Well, I would do it another time but you've made damn sure not to be alone long enough to let me."

Jane hopped down off her perch and stood toe to toe in front of me, her green eyes peering up at mine. _i dare you to kiss me i dare you to kiss me i dare you to kiss me i dare you to kiss me._  I had to swallow hard to shut out the voice of Jane past that echoed in my head. This Jane wasn't smiling.  
  


"Fine," she spat, a little bit of her temper bleeding out and I braced myself. "Look me in the eyes and tell me why."

"What?"  
  


"Why, Shannon? If you loved me so much, then why did you do it?"

It wasn't like I didn't have an answer for her, but the aggressive way she was asking threw me. "I... "  
  


"Don't you fucking dare say you don't know. You've had four years to reflect. You know. By now, you know why you did what you did."

She was right of course. "I didn't know then. And I'm not trying to make an excuse now. I know this was all me, was all my fault."  
  


"But?"

"You loved someone else." My voice was barely a squeak, mortification catching it in my throat.   
  


Jane rolled her eyes. "I told you, I wasn't in love with Angus. It was more convenience than anything."

I dropped my eyes because I knew how my next sentence was likely to be received, although I was curious if time had changed anything. "I didn't mean Angus."  
  


"Oh." Jane's voice was oddly dispassionate and looked back up to see her face had gone slack.

"Yeah. Don't say you didn't, because I still can't even mention him without you looking like I was about to kick you."  
  


"It's a complicated situation, Shannon, for a lot of reasons, all of which I told you. I don't see why that makes a difference though. It's not like he was around to compete with. I don't understand."

"I had girlfriends too after you left, you know." I knew this was going to be hard to make her understand, I was shit at explaining myself, but I had to try. "Some of them just overnight guests, some even less, some of them stuck around for a while. But I thought you were out there, just around the next corner. I thought you would pop back up any minute. I thought you were out there looking for me too. So I never took any of it seriously. I never thought it counted."  
  


"Shannon..." Jane's voice was softer, the anger from a moment ago dissipated. "Everything counts. Every day. All of it."

"I know that now."  
  


Jane wound a finger into her hair, twisting one strawberry curl while she seemed to manage her emotions. "So did you somehow think if you fucked around on me that wouldn't count either?"

Dammit. "No. Of course not. Not that was doing a lot of thinking back then, but I was just mad, even if I couldn't figure out why. At first, I just something was off, something I could put my finger on. Then I told myself you didn't really love me like I loved you, not if you hadn't waited. I told myself a lot of stupid bullshit. But I was really just mad that I had thrown away years when I should have been living them like you did."  
  


Jane nodded and fidgeted with her hair some more. The pauses between her responses were killing me. "So you did do it to get even with me?"

"On some level, I guess. But like I said, I didn't even know I was angry until later. I tend to do that, in case you haven't noticed. React badly and do stupid shit and then figure out why down the road."  
  


"Is that why you sent that letter to Jared?"

"That one, I knew I was pissed. You got between me and him."  
  


"Well fuck, Shannon, you broke my heart and got between me and Roger and I didn't run behind your back exacting petty revenge schemes."

Suddenly I realized I had no idea what had happened in Jane's life after that moment she left me standing in a hotel parking lot in Irvine. The mountain climbing and teaching were the least of it. "I got between you and Roger?"  
  


"I blamed him a little too. He kind of figured out what was going on before I did but he didn't warn me, just left me there alone with you and flew home. You burned my life to the ground that summer, Shannon."

Jane turned to the side and lifted the edge of her t-shirt. There was a tattoo there, one she hadn't had when she was with me. It started just above her waist, a little pile of burnt ashes with sparks that floated upward, converging into a brilliant orange, gold, and red firebird. It was vibrant and brilliantly done, and probably hurt like hell, sitting on her rib cage like that. Mine had hurt and I wasn't half as thin as she was. Reflexively I reached forward to touch it but she quickly dropped her shirt again.   
  


"It's a Phoenix. I broke down and let myself lie in the ashes for far too long, but I eventually got back up, put everything back together and rose above it."

"I didn't mean to break you."  
  


"Well, I sort of had a hand in it too." Before I could ask her more about that she continued. "The party then?"

"That one... I didn't even realize I was still pissed, to be honest. I thought I had kind of gotten over things. It wasn't until we were all in that room together, and Jared was trying to "handle" things the way he always does while you just stood there, frozen, waiting to see what was going to happen, that I just... something just snapped. I think it's Jared I was actually mad at but it all came out at you."  
  


Jane considered that for a moment then took back her seat on top of the equipment case. "I was going to apologize. That night, when I saw you again, I followed you back to that room to apologize."

"Apologize for what?" I was damn sure it wasn't for sleeping with Jared.  
  


"I mean, I've been working a lot on owning my own bullshit," Jane explained. "To be honest, I was out of control long before I crashed back into you at the bookstore."

"Jane, you don't need to apologize for anything."  
  


"I was an emotional train wreck back then. The partying, the bad decisions, running around with you while I was still technically engaged to someone else, dragging you into trouble..."

"I can find trouble on my own just fine. I'm a professional at it."  
  


"I bought you drugs!" she protested.

I had to stifle a laugh at Jane's horror over tainting my last vestiges of non-existent virtue. "Also something I could easily accomplish myself. Lead me not into temptation, I can find my own way..."  
  


"Very funny. It's no wonder you got mixed signals I guess."

"You were in pain."  
  


Jane's eyes instantly dampened. "What? I mean, how could you have known that? I didn't' know that, not then..."

"I of all people should have known better." I hopped up and took a seat next to her, carefully resting my palm on the black plastic behind her. "You were trying so hard, grabbing onto anything you could to steady yourself... I know what that kind of pain looks like, even if you didn't. I should have known better. I should have been there for you instead of being a self-indulgent dickhead."  
  


"Shannon..."

"No. It was me. You may not have been in a good place but I'm the one that destroyed everything. I wish I could take it back."  
  


"For what it's worth, you taught me a lot. The way you treated me that first time, back in Los Angeles, made me realize that I didn't want some safe, lukewarm love. That being loved back passionately was important. That being wanted was important. Being alone was better than not truly being wanted. I also learned that you can love someone and it still might not be enough. We weren't at a place in our lives then to be with each other, not then. It didn't matter that we were in love."

"I don't know, Jane. Maybe we have that one wrong."  
  


"No," she said firmly. "I got the lessons wrong the first time, or I forgot them. Because I had to learn them all over again. I mistook being wanted for being in love. I was looking for the wrong things. Angus wanted me, but I didn't love him. I loved you but you didn't want me."

Not that again. "Jane, that is so far from the fucking truth."  
  


"Is it? You had a choice between me and having a good time playing the rock star, and you chose to play the rock star."

"No. that's not the choice I made."  
  


"But it is. You can blame it on misplaced anger or emotional immaturity but it was a choice and you made yours."

I could feel my breath faltering as I began to realize how badly I miscalculated. "I'd have chosen differently if I'd understood."  
  


"You can't undo it, Shannon. There are no take backs. This is life. Sometimes you get second chances but there are no real do-overs."

"And no second chances here, huh?"  
  


"No." Jane turned away for a second and swiped at her cheek. "You can love someone, heart and soul, and it still might not be enough. Maybe I guess you get to learn that one now. Twice is enough for me."

I didn't say anything to that one. What could I say? I thought she had misunderstood but I was the one without a clue.   
  


Jane's phone chimed and she picked it up and read the screen. "You know, you really should give Viola a chance. She apparently has had a crush on you for years. Saw one of your music videos. I only know her so well, her sister Bernadette and I used to party together when that was my thing, but Viola wasn't really old enough to hang out with us most places. I've been talking to her a bunch the last few days though. She's got a good head on her shoulders, smart, and really kind. She has plans beyond modeling. She's actually kind of amazing. You should give her a chance and get to know her. I mean, yeah, she's a little young but if that doesn't bother either of you it's none of my damn business."

Too young to hang out with them? "Wait, how old is she?"  
  


Jane thought about it and then gave me a sad smile. "She's the same age I was when I met you. Just turned 21."

"Ouch."  
  


"Don't let it put you off. I mean you should find someone that you have something in common with, someone on your level. Age is just..."

"Someone on my level?" I bristled. "Are you trying to say that I'm immature?"  
  


"You're putting words in mouth," Jane huffed. I just meant she seems more likely to want the kind of relationship that you do, and..."

"You do get that Jared is my little brother right? You're dating my baby brother?"  
  


"How is this about Jared?" Jane's voice started to rise and I should have backed off but my mouth had slipped over into sarcasm mode.

"Well, you know, now that you're too mature to be giving me second chances and all."  
  


"I didn't say that. That's not at all..."

"Look, I get it, okay? Nothing says "I'm over you" quite like fixing your ex up with someone else."  
  


"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to dig the knife in deeper. I like Viola. I thought you did too. I was just trying to help." The air was silent and thick, the faint murmur of music gone and a dull droning in its place. The opening act must have been getting ready to take the stage. "For what it's worth, I'm not angry anymore. I'm not even hurt, I don't think. Not anymore. I'm just done."

Well, I guess that settled that. "Did he even give you the birthday present I bought you?"  
  


"The bracelet? Yes. It was a very pretty bracelet, Shannon." Jane said far too diplomatically.

"Do you ever wear it?"  
  


"No." Jared appeared in the doorway and looked ready to rush to Jane's aide but she hopped back onto the floor again and held up a finger for him to wait. "I don't ride Ferris wheels anymore either."

"Why not? Too mature now?"  
  


Jane gave me a withering look that told me all I needed to know about how over me she was. "Because they're haunted. All of them. I'm always yours on Ferris wheels. And I'll never be yours again."

She bounded off into Jared's arms without a glance back and I found that I was the one swiping at my eyes now. I had wanted a second chance, some glimpse of a way back into her heart. What I got was closure. Not what I had come for, but something that I needed all the same. Closure, wrapped up in a wakeup call.   
  


I took out my phone and texted Viola.

 


End file.
